Ok. Long story short. 39 year old married man with a kid. I have always felt a little different. I loved girls clothes and was more sensitive than most boys. Growing up in the south of the US it was imprinted upon me that being girly and god forbid gay was a no no. I have since put on the persona of a macho guy. Sports, guns, fighting etc.. I love to do those things anyway but just put a macho spin on it. I have had people ask me if im gay but of course I play real offended and back them off. I have had tons of sex with women and I like it but I really feel I am missing something. I fantasize about sex with men and snuggling and being treated as a lady so to speak. I love practicing oral sex and anal sex with a dildo. It just feels so natural. I was molested by an older boy when I was in 1st to 2nd grade. We had oral sex and he topped me many times. I think that is why I feel it is natural. That was the first sex I had to begin with. Did he make me gay? How do I tell if it's just a craving or if I am really gay. Help.
Well that is a lot to deal with. Part of your story sounds typical of many gay/bi men: feeling more sensitive, then putting on an ultra masculine act to protect yourself. But the childhood abuse puts a new variable in the mix. That can cause all sorts of sexual issues later in life. Then again, it's possible that you were gay from the beginning, which may be why the older boy targeted you. It's good that you have a therapist. My hunch is that you'll need to work through some of the unresolved issues around the abuse before you can make meaning progress in understanding your sexual identity. One thing to consider is how you feel about men romantically as opposed to just sexually. Can you envision an intimate and loving relationship with a man? With a woman?
Hello nerdbrain. Thanks for the response. I can in fact see myself in a romantic relationship with a man. I wish I had given it a try in college or something. I'd love to have that sort of relationship. I have to say I would probably be the submissive one for sure. I realy like being treated as a lady so to speak. Tell me about you.
Hi and welcome to EC. You've come to a great place, everyone here is really supportive. Your story is to similar to mine but in reverse. (Meaning I'm a woman, so it's the same for me but in terms of women). I too am in my late thirties, married to a man, with a kid. I was also sexually abused for around a year at the age of seven, by a teen boy. I also have very strong feelings for women, but some feelings for men as well. I think a couple of things can really confuse the issues surrounding sexuality- the abuse, and also the fact that we have feelings that exist for the opposite sex, not just feelings for the same sex. These two things can make it really hard to tease out your feelings. I just want to say, regarding abuse, abuse does not *make* you gay. But it certainly can make our sexual identities very challenging to understand. Have you ever been to counselling for the abuse? And what about for questioning your sexuality? I strongly suggest going to an LGBT counsellor to start to sort through all of these things. Therapy can really help you uncover so much about yourself and start to heal. Big big warm hugs to you (*hug*) You're making a great step coming out to yourself, and working through all of these questions. Keep posting and reading other threads. I'm sort of in the late beginning stages of coming out. Many people on here are early in this process like you, and there are others in here who have made it to the other side, who can attest that "it gets better" Even in my late-early stage of my journey, I already feel so much more positive, confident and happy. Keep sharing (&&&)
I just wanted to thank everyone for the wonderful messages and hugs. Love Love Love all over you all.
