1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Still a virgin at 50

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Disney Guy, May 20, 2016.

  1. Disney Guy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    There's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to say it.
    I just turned 50 last week and I'm still a virgin :frowning2: I've never had a date, relationship or anything physical or sexual, nothing, EVER
    I have been on various gay Apps you know the ones. I've been hit on many times and chatted to a few guys but when it comes down to hooking up with a guy I run a mile. I want it so badly but I just can't go through with it, crazy and sad I know. I don't understand whats wrong with me, wish I'd done all this back in my teens or early 20's
    I'm so scared to meet a guy, even get naked with him let alone anything sexual. Am I the only person in this position?? To be honest I don't think a hookup off an App is for me but what options do I have. I've never been to a gay bar, club or anything, really not my thing. I don't have any gay friends to help me with this and the few straight friends I have can't really help me either. feel so alone and helpless. I guess I'm scared, very little self confidence or self esteem. I get so frustrated with everything and then I just get depressed about it. Wish I knew the answer.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Have you thought about trying to make a few gay friends in the first instance? Where in the UK are you based? Consider joining a meet up group, charitable organisation, social group or the likes? Try and slowly immerse yourself into the LGBT community. Then start meeting people and let things come naturally.
     
  3. Disney Guy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I'm live in Solihull, West Midlands. Do you know the best places to try and find groups ect in your local area? I really wanted to try and go to a Pride event somewhere this year, just out of curiosity really but I have no one to go with and I don't feel I can go alone. I've lived this kinda safe life so many years, all of this is so out of my comfort zone. It's going to be really hard for me to break out of this bubble and be Me if that makes any sense.
     
  4. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't want to sound trite, but it's really never too late to start living your life. Try to let yourself let go of the past and look at what you can do today. I don't kniw if you do this, but I feel like it's so easy to get stuck in a loop of feeling like the longer you wait the more you can't possibly do it because you've waited so long. You have to break out of that loop. Onthehighway has some great suggestions.

    You've had your own reasons to make the choices you've made through your life, but now you're looking at yourself honestly, now you can move forward. Take the plunge, make some baby steps, make manageable small goals that you know you can reach and start doing them.
     
  5. whizbang

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2016
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Abilene, Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Baristajedi speaks the truth.....:thumbsup:
     
  6. awesomeyodais

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2012
    Messages:
    721
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Soon-to-be-frozen again White North :-(
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hey - I don't have the answer (or an answer even), but you're not the only person at that age in that situation... hth
     
  7. Domosuke

    Domosuke Guest

    Joined:
    May 16, 2016
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Make a youtube channel, explaining your story. I can help you and I can pull some strings to advertise you.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I would suggest starting by reaching out to the Birmingham LGBT Center (Birmingham LGBT), they have a plethora of ways to help you get involved and meet people. Your close by to Birmingham and that seems like a great place to start. Give them a call and ask how you can get involved. Explain that your new to the LGBT community and looking for a place to start. Your situation is not uncommon and no one would think otherwise but to point you in the right direction.
     
  9. Disney Guy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Your right I am in a loop day after day, nothing really ever changes, It's all my own doing so no one to blame but myself. Baby steps and small goals sounds the way to go, just not quite sure where to start. It's the Birmingham gay Pride next weekend but I'm going to be working down London :frowning2: just my luck, oh well.

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 11:56 AM ----------

    Thanks whizbang

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 11:59 AM ----------

    Thanks for your message, and yes it does help knowing I'm not the only one

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 12:05 PM ----------

    Hi, thanks for your message, I'd like to know more about how to create a youtube channel and I'd be more than grateful for any help.

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 12:07 PM ----------

    Thank you OnTheHighway, I really appreciate your help.
     
  10. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Big big hugs to you. I have nothing but undersrsnding for you and believe me most LGBT folks understand your struggle. I have found nothing but support in the LGBT community, the more I reach out, the more I find encouragement from others.

    Your whole life you were told that being gay is not ok. This was your way of creating a defends for you. We sll make choices that help us build up a wall of defense for us, this was yours. In my case, I married s man rather than look more honestly at who I am. Don't be so hard on yourself.

    I just wanted to say go for it, take the plunge. But the part is the past, it's ok that you've come yo this point in your life making the choices you have. What are some small steps and goals you think you can give yourself to start moving forward in accepting who you are? Or perhaps in reaching out to make friends?

    Again, big hugs to you.

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 03:53 AM ----------

    Sorry about all the typos - on my phone :slight_smile:
     
    #10 baristajedi, May 21, 2016
    Last edited: May 21, 2016
  11. Disney Guy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Aww thank you so much (((Hug)))

    Your so right about building walls and defences. I think a lot stems back to my school days, I was bullied both verbally and physically my entire school life, I hated having to go to school and I'd make up excuses to avoid it or more the bullying, as for sports and changing rooms I hated that too, very self conscious and insecure. Maybe thats why I fear getting naked and intimate with guys.

    I find it so hard to let go and be myself. The thought of just going for a coffee with someone puts the fear of god into me, its ridiculous. The weird thing is I work in retail at exhibitions / events and I'm totally ok interacting with the public, serving and talking although easier with women than guys. It's when it comes to me on a personal level that I can't handle, does that make any sense??

    I am very hard on myself, a few people have told me I need to learn to love myself but all I see when I look into a mirror is failure.

    Your right the past is the past and nothing can change that, trouble is its still affecting my future and I don't know how to change that. Accepting myself is also difficult. I said in my welcome message that as far as I know I'm gay, pretty sure thats the case as I know what turns me on lol but having said that I've never been with anyone so how do I know for sure 100%

    Sorry if I'm rambling on but I'm just trying to explain where I'm at in my life.

    I really need a real friend to help me explore ME and try to become more comfortable in my life as a gay man.
     
  12. peterK60

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2016
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kentucky
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I know you'll get a lot of "cheerleading" that really isn't helpful. "Just Do It" is nonsense.
    LBGT are every bit as mean & superficial as the hetero-dating world. I would suggest ( and it isn't easy) is that you find just one friend that you can talk to honestly. Even if it never goes past that it's progress.
    Best of luck.
     
  13. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,838
    Likes Received:
    828
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    (*hug*)

    So many of us on here can relate. I understand that the past has power, but you're already taking a brave step by trying to face these questions head on.

    I think you're right in thinking making a good gay friend will help you open up. Meeting men you can feel comfortable around is a huge step, and I think that your confidence can unfold over time. Onthehighwsy gave great suggestions for reaching out.

    I also think sn LGBT counsellor would help you learn to embrace yourself.

    One of the things you say that really resonates with me is that you've always felt more comfortable around women. I've always felt this way (the other way around). I gravitate to men and male friendship. I always felt like I couldn't be me around women. The truth is that I was afraid of my feelings around women. The more comfortable I become with myself the more comfortable I feel seeking out lesbian friendship, and even simply female friendship.

    Don't focus on your failures so much (easier said than done), try instead to find ways to boost your confidence. Set a small goal, tackle it, then set another small one. For me, one of my earliest goals in coming out was allow myself to notice a woman, think about her and not push away my attraction and desire, simply allow my mind to focus on it and enjoy it. Another was making eye contact with sn attractive woman. Simple as that, not even flirting. Those goals were hard in the beginning!

    But now I'm actively working on going on a date! (My first girl date!) So these steps build until you actually feel good about you, and you start to make progress.

    You can do this!

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 05:39 AM ----------

    There are crappy people in every walk of life. But it's not necessarily helpful to focus on the negative. I've found a lot of support in the LGBT community. Finding a good friend to confide in is indeed great advice.
     
    #13 baristajedi, May 21, 2016
    Last edited: May 21, 2016
  14. afgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 31, 2016
    Messages:
    287
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Mississippi
    You know, it makes me think of a quote...."If nothing changes, then nothing changes."

    Time for you to take that first step.
     
  15. Disney Guy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 07:30 PM ----------

    Thanks, thats first step is going to be hard but I hear what your saying.

    ---------- Post added 21st May 2016 at 07:47 PM ----------


    I made a couple of friends online via a blog I run, one in particular kinda became my best friend and I could message him about anything. Unfortunately after 2 years our friendship broke down very recently :frowning2: he would only ever message me, no email, photos, number nothing else but I trusted him, still do and I'm hoping we can reconcile and start over. He can never be more than just a friend because he's married in California and he's only 23. In an alternate universe I'd have married him. Not sure why I'm saying all this, rambling again.

    I have seen a counsellor before through my GP but that was more for depression, maybe I could try and find a LGBT one if you think it will help.

    It is weird how I feel more comfortable in female company than male when its males that I'm attracted to, confused.

    What you said about eye contact is very relevant, if I look at a guy and he looks at me I immediately turn away. I don't know why, it feels wrong somehow, what if he's straight and takes offence or gay and takes offence. As crazy as this sounds I wouldn't know if a guy was attracted to me or not.
     
  16. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Ninety percent of the people at Gay Pride events are straight — couples, families, groups of friends, etc. What they all have in common is they are gay friendly and they enjoy a spectacle. So no one's going to single you out and say, "Look at that guy—he must be gay!" In fact, no one will be looking at you at all — they'll all be focusing on the event itself. I get that it takes a lot to overcome a life-long fear of exposure, but trust me, you won't be exposing yourself, and you have much to gain from going. My first Gay Pride was an intensely emotional experience — I was not yet out — that really started the ball rolling for me. I attended the next Gay Pride, one year later, with my boyfriend, and the third as a participant in the parade itself.
     
  17. The Falcon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2015
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Germany
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    You have my support! Anxiety and paranoia are things that can really screw one's life.

    You've let fear cripple you and you suffer now. I am really sorry. I presume that when you reflect on the past you wonder why all of this took place, and the truth is that it is all irrational. You wont' find an answer. Anxiety and fear work like that, paralyzing you completely.

    I would offer to let go of the past, or even better learning from it to just let go and face the reality. You have to try being with a man, that will break the chain, and you will slowly learn to forgive and love yourself.

    There is not point in continuing to live the life you are living now. Just go out and face your fears! It will be bewildering and scary I promise you, but at the end it will be liberating and empowering.
     
  18. Disney Guy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thank you for your insight that really helps, its something I've wanted to do for a while but I guess I've been afraid of what people might think. I have the same feeling going to the gym when you feel people are looking at you and judging you, its stupid I know. Unfortunately I can't attend my local one which is next weekend as I'm going to be working in London. Maybe I can try another one, just wish I had someone to go with. Thanks again for sharing your views and experience.

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2016 at 01:37 PM ----------


    Thank you for your message and support. I also suffer with depression, one minute I can be fine and the next I just feel ugh whats the point. I do feel trapped in the life I've created, and I do have fear and anxiety trying to leave my comfort zone and move forward. As hard as its going to be for me, I do need to try being with a man, it terrifies me to be honest for many different reasons but I also want to do it so much, crazy.

    Facing me fears is a very scary prospect but like you said I can't carry on like this for much longer.

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2016 at 01:39 PM ----------

    I'd like to know more about how to create a youtube channel and I'd be more than grateful for any help you could give me.
     
  19. MAR Felix

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Jersey
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I know that this is going to sound awful, no matter how I try to put it - but it's not nearly as bad as it seems ... Look, I'm autistic. I've spent most of my life in a shell, very much cut off from the World around me. I'm only a little bit older than you; I'm 52.

    Now, you've got to hit me square between the eyes if you want me to notice anything - I don't read body language; I don't get hints, don't pick up on any of those social cues that everyone else reads fluently. Nonetheless, over the years, a few determined fellows have managed to make it clear to me that they were interested. This has never happened to you? No one has ever shown any interest in you whatever?

    Well, then, either you are as ugly as a gargoyle (which I doubt) or you are so uninviting that no one bothers (which I suspect) or else British culture is so very different from American culture that nobody has got the nuggets to make a pass (this I dismiss altogether).

    You simply don't encourage anyone. Just put on some nice clothes and go out. I've been to England many times. It's easy to go to a pub. You don't have to go in to pick up a man. You can go in to have a drink. If you don't drink, go to a coffee-house. "Hello, I'd like mine white with some sugar, please." What's so hard about that? And you sit and you talk to people and get to know them. It's not hard. Personally, I was shameless. I said that I was autistic. Better that than have them wondering why I was rubbing my hands together and staring at my feet. (Icebreaker - What is the difference between an introverted mathematician and an extroverted one? The extroverted one stares at your shoes.)

    One of your countrymen, the late Quentin Crisp, had a piece of advice that you should follow. Each day, when you get up, go and look into the mirror, smile at yourself, and say aloud, "Other people are a mistake!" Then you can begin your day w/a proper attitude toward the World around you!

    Secret: everyone is just as frightened as you are. The ones who seem least frightened are the ones who are best at hiding it.