I bet this is a common question out there....... how do I learn from the past? Can I learn from the past? So way back when, back when I was about 18 (so it was about 10-15 years ago, which I guess wasn't all that long ago), I was deeply in love with another guy. Trouble was, we were both closeted (he's gay, too). While I don't know exactly how he felt about me (I think he also liked me), I do know that I refused to allow myself to think that I could possibly be in love with him because being gay was absolutely unthinkable. We both went our separate ways, and that was that. I'm guessing that his life just went on normally, but I can guarantee that my life has been a tortured mess of trying to deny and reverse the fact that I am, yes, gay. I am now accepting the fact that I'm gay, but I'm also trying to make some sense of my past. So here's my question: how do I learn anything from my experience? Intellectually, I know the right way to deal with this issue: forget about it and move on. We were basically in/just barely out of high school, and those kinds of relationships have little chance of surviving anyway, so just move on. I can at least appreciate that perspective. But I want something more from this failure. I want to learn something from it, but what? Is the lesson here, "don't be born into a conservative, homophobic world"? Doesn't seem like much of a lesson to me. I was forced out of a wonderful opportunity to be my authentic self; any advice on what to learn from it...? Thanks
It can probably serve as a good motivation for you to come and stay out of the closet... beyond that I am not sure. Like you said you were still very young and there were many factors out of your control. It's not like in the movies where the main character would stand up against the whole world for their true love. Thinking about failed attempts to establish relationships is extremely painful and draining for me at least. But what do I know... I was the kid who never bothered to check her returned tests
Thanks, yuanzi. I think part of the reason why this hurts still is that it was the last (and I guess the only) time I was in love with another man. The fact that we were basically kept apart by society really, really hurts; it was/is absolutely unfair. I have tried reaching out to him in the years since, but he ignored me; I guess he's long since moved on. Still, I want the heartache to go away.....
Have you considered maybe trying to reach out to him? Maybe you need some closure from your experience and seeing what has in fact happened in his life might be beneficial. In a similar type of situation, I was able to reconnect with a guy I had not heard from in over 20 years. The experience was massively enlightening and a much needed experience along my journey. answering lingering questions from the past can be emotionally healing.
Yes, I think that would be a huge help. The good news is that I have tried reaching out to him, once years ago when we saw each other at some event, and once very recently. That second time, though, he never responded (I tried reaching out electronically). I think that him ignoring me might be just as telling as if he'd written back and asked me to meet over coffee, and I can speculate all day about reasons why. But I guess the biggest thing I can draw from that is that he's moved on, or maybe he was just never all that into me to start with. We were good friends, though, and I miss him (missed him for a while, actually). I guess I'll just have to move on on my own.
That's how I felt about my first girl crush. It has been more than 10 years and she was still the one I loved the most. I have not felt anything that intense ever since. But I kind of know why. I was a scared kid in college with no friends and no social skills and very low self-esteem. She was tall, very artistic and extremely confident/borderline arrogant. She was also the first person who could connect with me on a deep level (most other girls were obsessed with celebrities, boys and skin product). In other words, I was in a bad place and I sort of put her on a pedestal. I don't know about your situation or your mindset when you were 18 though but do you think that could have played a part in how you felt about this friend?
This will probably stay with you for the rest of your life! The good parts of it will always be a beacon of love and truth. Look on the good side on it! Let it go, since he rebuffed you the 2nd time, it doesn't seem likely that you can restart it. In fact, rarely can you rekindle an old romance. You have to look within yourself, about what you learned. No one else can tell you. Look within your heart. What are your feelings and emotions about what happened? How did it leave you different? What affect did that relationship have on you. What did your "authentic self" learn from it?
While I don't want to say that I made a youthful mistake, after reading your post, I think I might have. We were both living in a small town where no one--and I do mean no one--was out of the closet. There were no openly gay people around whatsoever. More than likely, we were drawn to each other because we were the only ones we could have been with; we were the only two gay guys available. Does that make for a good relationship? Nope. That's just desperation, I guess. Though he was very charming and very handsome. I also imagine to myself that he's gone off to live some wonderfully openly gay life with lots of fun and boyfriends. That, too, is not a good thing for me to be thinking; I don't know what his life has been like. For all I know, it's been every bit as tortured as mine. Maybe that's why I've put him on a pedestal: in my mind, I'm still in that small town where the only other person I could possibly relate to was him. So what have I learned in retrospect? Only that I can love another man, and that it feels really good to do so. What have I learned about preventing another failure like that? Not much; we were both unlucky to have lived there.
Most of the time we are not drawn to people for the best reasons (I think). Either we see something that we severely lack, or the opposite, that person greatly validates our own worthiness and values. However, it does not mean the relationship would not turn out successful as it goes on and our behaviors evolve. In your case (and my case) there was no relationship to begin with so we will never know for sure. But I do think what you mentioned (living in a conservative place) is something you can change now that you are all grown up. I am all for educating the uninformed but I feel most grown-ups have already made up their minds on this subject just like on religions. You can maybe start associating more with the open-minded people/places? It probably won't land you a relationship immediately but will hopefully make you happier.
Figured I'd provide an update: he wrote back. Yes, it was a couple of three weeks after I wrote him, but he did write back. And we had a little text conversation, but that was it. He's doing well, and that's great for him. Reflecting on that brief conversation, here's what I'm thinking about the situation: I feel like I'm behind. And you know, I very likely am. In my mind, I'm still where I left off, back where I seriously started to try to repress my sexuality, way back when. I've been told before than when I start to date other men for the first time, I'll be immature, mainly because I haven't had the same sexual experiences for however many years. And that person was right. I'm not sure what the right thing to do now is (I'm not planning on texting him back again), but I think the right thing is probably to try to "catch up." To accept that, yes, I am in my own way still using training wheels when everyone else has their driver's licenses, but that I can get to that point with some effort, and without having to wait another 15 or 20 years. The good news for me at least is that it doesn't seem like other gay guys actually mind; they seem to be accepting of men in my position. I don't know why they're so accepting, lol, but I'm glad they are.
It does seem like you are searching for some closure. And that is natural. I am curious, what topics were raised during the discussion? I had a similar situation to you. However while I initially failed to find the person from my youth, he actually was able to find me (he moved to the other side of the world, I only moved half way around the world, and I am easy to find on the internet). We had an initial exchange and spoke over the phone. We then agreed to get together in person. The experience of getting together answered so many questions that I had. It was extremely helpful in getting rid of all the "what ifs" and "doubts". After we met, while we had several further brief exchanges, we ultimately went our own ways. It seems not only was I seeking closure, but so was he. My situation was a bit different in that this guy and I had evolved our relationship from friends to being sexuality active with one another while we were in high school. So we might have had more questions to answer towards one another. That said, the emotional questions you have are nonetheless relevant. You should go and catch up. I think it is mutually exclusive to where your emotional maturity is, but I do think it can help you mature regardless of whether you like the answers you get or not. Go for it!
