Chickening out

Of course I chickened out a lot, it's totally normal. . I wrote and rewrote my thoughts on how to come out to my siblings and mom a million times before talking to them. But I think the most obvious chickening out was with my Dad. First it was th excuse, it has to be face to face (which is tough because I live overseas from my family; and note that I didn't wait for that with the rest of my family or my 2 besties). Then when he visited, I totally chickened out through his whole trip. I finally did it on my trip home last month.

I think the most useful thing for me was to make myself accountable by setting s deadline/goal date and telling a friend about my plans to come out. Then I felt accountable.

And just general encouragement to myself or from friends helped too, listening to music that pumped me up, etc.

 

I chicken out plenty.

 

That is very normal! I have felt that too, and still do/am going through it with some people.

It was a commitment (sort of a deadline) that helped get out first. I had decided that I *did* want to be out, and I *did* want to (among other things) get involved and volunteer with our LGBT Center. I went down to the Center, introduced myself (very easy step saying "I'm bi" in a friendly setting) , and I signed up to help set up PrideFest last Saturday, 8am to noon. Having committed to that, that meant I definitely had to next come out to my band, it was right for them to know. So the first commitment drove the second one.

Coming out to my band leader didn't go as planned because band practice got postponed, but I'd told her I wanted to talk. I went through with it, she was great. I figured I'd tell the rest of the band at our next show. Well, at the show, we got to setting up equipment, sound check, and so on, and I couldn't find a good time, so I mighta been chickening a bit again. I also wondered if they knew (I had told band leader when I came out that it was okay to tell, that was the whole idea). My guitar player was more friendly than usual. The other singer's dad, who is a rightwing news guy, put his hand on my shoulder and gave a warm welcome too. Very strange.

After the show, the guitar player came up to me and told me the leader had filled them all in, and they were all 100% supporting me. It was so awesome, a life moment I'll never forget.

I still have a way to go, but I'm getting there. But yeah, I've chickened too, a lot probably.

Sorry for the long story. It is really interesting to me some of the reactions, especially the righty dad. I might be the first LGBT person he knows? Another reason to come out?

Good luck, Katchoo. You can do it, you will do great.

 

I chickened out the day before I came out to my wife. I decided to cancel everything, tell my wife my anxiety made me crazy and crawl back into the closet. So, yes it is so difficult to say it.

Frankly, I had made such a big deal on this forum about my coming out day that I felt I couldn't go back. So, I waited till as late in the day as I could.

We each have our own way of doing this. For me, it was a deadline. For others, it just needs to be right in the moment. Or, even an accidental outing.

I think it also depends on how important it is to come out. My marriage was dying due to my deceit. So, I had motivation.

 

I am out to my entire family, but not a single one of my friends. Telling my friends is much more difficult for me. I'll be in a situation where it would be natural to mention it, and I just chicken out every time. I also don't have many friends where I live--they're basically scattered around the country. So, I'll need to tell them each individually. I'm not sure it'll ever happen.

 

I have chickened out many times. I think setting deadlines helps. When I used to go out with a girl I didn't tell anyone for ages then ended up telling loads of friends at once. I don't like or mean to make big announcements but somehow I end up doing that.

For me I think once you tell one person that often leads to telling another. There are definitely some people that I think if I tell X then I really must also tell Y.

Also, do you think it is bad to tell some people via message or email or whatever? (And I mean people you could easily tell face to face)? I have been thinking about doing this lately. It seems like it's own form of chickening out but saves on awkwardness maybe?

 

There really is no "right time". I kept thinking the same with my Dad during my trip home, that the timing was terrible. But then I just blurted it out. Sometimes you can't plan a right time.

You can do it katchoo! We're all behind you!

 

I'm slowly starting to realize this myself....I don't think I'll be in the closet for much longer...gotta stop chickening out.

We're all behind you Katchoo, you can do this!

 

Chickening out is normal. What you're doing can be difficult, and there's no shame in waiting. The best thing I can say is... don't wait forever. There's nothing wrong with postponing because of bad timing, or the person to whom you want to talk is having a crappy day. But ... If the ONLY reason you're waiting is because you're scared, you should find a way to stop waiting.

Talking to my mom was hard, but I think it was easier because it wasn't planned. We had been talking about therapy for my stepdad, who is dealing with some painful life issues, and I mentioned that I'd been in therapy myself. Of course, being my mom, she was worried about me, and asked me for what I was talking to a therapist.

So I told her.

Fortunately, it went well, and she is very accepting. She doesn't always understand why I do things, but she knows I'm her son and she loves me no matter what.

I'm right here behind you, Katchoo. And I'll be here afterwards to hear how it went and offer high-fives, or perhaps hugs as needed.

Morgana

 

Totally normal, I was wavering today. I'm looking for a new job and got a sudden irrational fear, that no one would hire me if they heard I was "one of the gays". But then I thought of all the LGBT people I know of around town, I always see them at their jobs. Everyone's right, you can do it. There's nothing wrong with going at your own pace.

 

I almost called my wedding off to my "wife" (we didn't go through with the legal part of getting married, just had the party) at least 5 times before it happened. Actually talked about it. I actually told her I was gay. Sometimes calmly. Sometimes in huge fights. And every time I was out and it was done, I chickened out on all the changes it would mean and went back on it. Said I wasn't gay after all, or that I was still just figuring it out. That I wanted to get married. All of that.

I almost feel like I've spent the past 10 months becoming an expert at chickening out. I could give classes in how to not follow through with something that is good for you.

I keep having moments of thinking I should back out from the apartment I've agreed to take. I'm forcing myself to not give in to that and to follow through with the decision to move. I haven't quite gone as far as to end my relationship. We'll be separated, but I don't think either one of us has 100% thrown in the towel. Partly its hard to do when you're still living together. And partly I'm still so afraid of what happens if I just throw the towel in, especially since she won't do it. It has to be me.

So for now, I'm considering it a win that I haven't chickened out on taking the apartment. It's what I've got to hang my hat on at the moment.

 

yeah, i chickened out more than a few times. you will say it when you have to and when you're ready.

 

Oh my word, I chicken out on a daily basis. I feel elated when I tell someone, however irrelevant the information seems to them.
I still chicken out, every day

 

Katch, for the 5 people I just recently came out to, now 6 because I just talked to my doctor, I didn't come right out and say I'm gay.

My chicken way of doing it, I told them that Debbie and I were splitting up. I let them get that shock going, then I said, "I've decided to come out". It took them all a little to understand what I was saying, but when they got it, I think the shock of me telling them we were splitting up took a little sting off the other. So it was a little chicken of me, but it got me through it.

Good luck and in your own time. Just muster up that courage and rip that bandaid off my friend.

 

I cried when I came out to my dad. It's ok to show all your feelz. you just do what feels right to you.