Does this sound familiar to anyone? I was talking to someone recently, and I mentioned that I regret all my "lost" years being in the closet. He responded with what to me sounds like an empty platitude: "You shouldn't regret those years; they made you who you are today!" I don't know if vomiting or throwing my phone at him would've made me feel better. Thing is, I don't know who I am. In a way, I am just a façade. I remember thinking as a kid that you weren't supposed to be who you are; you are supposed to be what society or God wants you to be. The whole "you" was supposed to be suppressed. And so I did. For decades. And I don't want to do that anymore. But hearing that it's good to be the person he knows really grates on me; that person is mostly just my way of surviving in a macho, anti-gay world. How do you find out or develop who you really are?
I totally feel you on this. I don't know how much time you feel you lost, but we both feel we lost time. And, that's just one of those things we can't get back. Yeah, Ican make up silver linings, but, I still regret the lost time. Being honest with myself has helped me feel like I know myself better, and you're totally working on that. And, really being willing to explore things I like. Not just sexually, because we are more than just a walking sexuality. Like, I felt like I got to know myself better at panels about Doctor Who or about comic books and gender at Dragoncon. I feel like Iget to know myself better by writing/typing and seeing what comes out. I feel like I get to know myself better by making pinterest boards about my goals, about the things I've done, about the things I think are pretty, about the people I think are hot. Sometimes Ifind myself needing to talk about my "favorites" like 3rd graders do, like, yes, this is my favorite color, and it's totally ok that it's different than my past favorite colors and very similar to my mom's favorite color even though she drives me crazy. You'll find what works for you. You're on the right path, friend.
