Last night at my cousin's wedding, I had so many feels, and Ifelt like I was trying to filter and "poker face" my way through most of the "not normal" ones. During most of the event, I was trying to figure out how it would look instead if it were my wedding to a lady. But, like, EVERYTHING in straight weddings is SOOOO gendered! Michael's wedding at least had a couple of unusual elements. They had a lady judge marry them, which was cool. It was the only wedding I've been to that didn't have a male minister. And, his wife's father is not in the US, so her mom walked her down the aisle. But, even when her mom walked her down the aisle, my feminism spasmed so hard when mom gave the bride's hand directly to Michael. I got a little pissed inside and was like, stop the damn transfer of property metaphore and the damn erasure of the decade of singleness this woman has had! I dislike that in straight weddings the ladies of the wedding party line up on the bride's side and the men line up on the groom's side, even if that's not really their affiliation. I didn't like having to stand on my sister in law's side at my brother's wedding when very clearly I was there for my brother. Like my connection with my sibling really should mean more than my gender. Also, made me wonder about wedding parties at weddings of same sex couples. Put the people who are important to you wherever the hell you want! And, their wedding didn't have much dancing, but couple dancing is so damn gender prescriptive for most people. Like, since the bride's dad couldn't be there, I wish she could have danced with her mom. It seemed like they planned for her to dance with her little son instead (he looked maybe 7yo), but Ithink he got scared and didn't want everyone to look at him. But, also, her daughter (maybe 9yo) would have TOTALLY danced with her mom while Michael danced with his mom. But, she couldn't do that. Sigh. I feel like they just couldn't see the options that would have been meaningful and helpful under the circumstances because of gender lines. One more thing....At all previous weddings (straight weddings) that I have attended, I just wanted to elope if I ever got married. At this one, I could imagine having a wedding. It was relatively small, maybe 35 or 40 people, and surprisingly chill. Also, I wonder if in the past I have imagined marrying a man and found that inherantly stressful, and this time I was open to the possibility of marrying a lady, and it seemed like something happy enough that I would want to celebrate it with people. Also, maybe with marrying a lady I would already be saying f--you to so many of my family members' expectations, I wouldn't care that they think that my center peices are stupid or that you could see my fat rolls in that outfit. And if I had a wedding where I married a lady, it seems like there's a lot more latitude to do it however the hell I want, since so many expectations get blown up and reworked. That idea resonates with where Iam in the coming out process. I get to figure out what Iwant and do things my way, and outsider's can't and shouldn't really tell me how to do it. If Imarried a man and had a straight wedding, there are so many assumptions and expectations about how that's supposed to go, and it would drive me nuts. (That, and I'd be marrying a dude...) But, marrying a lady, "You do you," would become, "Y'all do y'all," and that sounds pretty sweet.
First of all, when I go out as a girl, I've got a few rolls myself, so to heck with it. I can still manage to feel pretty and sexy, even with that, so I know you can! You're very right about the genderedness of many wedding traditions. But hey, every single tradition out there started out as someone doing something new! So if you ever have a wedding, you can start your own traditions! Every tradition was shocking to someone somewhere, so don't worry about it. As you said, you'll already be shocking them by marrying a lady, so what's a few more shocks among family, right? But it does seem you survived the wedding, and it all went well for your cousin, so I applaud your "poker facing" some of your feelings. We all have those moments when the nicest thing we can do is roll our eyes and sigh, and hope nobody saw... but sometimes it's best to keep em to ourselves. There's a time for battles, and a time for holding one's peace. Hang in there, dear! Morgana
I feel along those lines with you. All of my friends (all straight, at least as far as I know...) who have gotten married, have had weddings that leave me SMH at OMG so much patriarchy. But they're all conservative Christians, so that's expected, but still frustrating. I mean, giving away the bride FFS, not to mention the "submit" vow that the woman makes, but the man does not. Egads! All I know is that if I ever find Mr. Right, I'm going to suggest that our wedding have the officiant begin with "Queerly beloved, ..." So cheesy, but so much fun, right? :eusa_danc
