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My ex husband to be wants to tell everything

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TomboyGoth, May 23, 2016.

  1. TomboyGoth

    Regular Member

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    Me and my husband are going to file the divorce soon. He just said to me that he wants to tell everything to his parents. Earlier we discussed that we would just say we grew apart and are just friends. So i mentally prepared for that.

    The real problem is that they are religious and don't approve homosexuality. They might not like the divorce but that i would have handled. To make the things worse his mom works with my aunt. My aunt was the last one in the list of people i'm going to come out. She isn't religious but she is against homosexuals. But now i feel very much pressured to come out to her before my husband tells to his parents. And the town they live is really small so it is soon out there and everyone knows. Let's just say that i'm not going to be answering to my friggin phone afterwards..

    It's not like i would have to fear for violence but it is the awkwardness of the whole conversation i'm fearing. And i know that after that she is going to ignore the fact. It is what she always does with difficult things. She was last in my list because it wouldn't really matter. I would have come out to her if i had a girlfriend i wanted to bring for the christmas or something, but not earlier.

    I'm also having quite stressful period at work (very busy) and my grandma has been sick and was diagnosed with alzheimer's. My mom has been helping her a lot and i have been playing a taxi driver for them a lot. Also i have to be supporting my mom now because my aunt isn't good at these situations so my mom seeks support from me. I have come out to my mom but i don't want to burden her with this. She is not so well herself either and everything going on with my grandma i think it is just too much.

    I'm feeling so tired and i didn't need this extra pressure. I have to tell about the divorce at my work at some point and i have to tell to all our friends and come out too. I'm not fearing that so much because our friends are not so close to me so if i lose someone it isn't so big a deal. I'm more afraid that everything will be very awkward and they start to think if i lust after them (which i definitely don't).

    So i guess i'm after some advice and if someone has had anything similar going on when divorcing. I can't handle this stress anymore.
     
  2. Zen fix

    Regular Member

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    The first thing I learned when I came out to my wife is that once it's out its out and that person can talk to whomever they please. She told several people almost immediately after. I also learned that it is unreasonable to expect one's spouse not to talk to someone about what's happening. If people know you may as well assume that others who you didn't tell now know or will.

    Sounds like your aunt isn't much help and you don't depend on her for anything. If you tell her keep it short and sweet and don't over explain. You don't owe her anything.
     
  3. HereWeGo

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    Whoa, you are juggling a lot right now. As I learned in my coming out process recently, there is no good time. Things are always crazy. I had to prioritize and unfortunately it was my work the suffered.

    I don't know your full situation, but if your husband recently found out about your sexuality, he's in shock and he's in a lot of pain and hurting too. He probably wants to tell his parents because he's looking for his own comfort. It sucks, but he has his needs too. My wife respected my wish to remain silent and not tell friends when I came out, but my friend took me aside and said I was doing my wife a huge disservice by not letting her process with who she wants. I finally said "fuck it". If the whole neighborhood knows, oh well. That's on them.

    I would definitely try to get to your aunt first if you can. As Zen fix above said, make it short and sweet... or if you aren't close, then tell whoever is important in your life and when your aunt finds out, she finds out.

    The great thing is you have a community here to vent to whenever you need to.

    Have you tried meditation? When juggling so much I found it to be so helpful. Headspace is a great app that takes 10 minutes a day. I was so skeptical, but it's kind of awesome.

    Best of luck.