I guess I'm feeling anxious or depressed. I've been super tired for at least 4 hours, but I'm avoiding bed hard core. I don't have a clear call of why. Just not wanting tomorrow to start, Iguess. I wrote part of a post before Iwent into my appointment with my therapist tonight, but when my phone died during the appointment it ate the post. I basically was talking about how on my drive to my therapist, Icalled my brother again. He told me so much stuff about WWE. There were lots of awkward caps in the conversation, where Isat ther with my mouth open, breath drawn, imagining Iwas coming out to him, but not really. Will count it as some kind of progress that my imagination got clearer about what Iwanted to say, even if Ididn't acutally say them? I'm now considering coming out via text message, just to get the ball rolling, but that's lame. I could also go back to the original plan of telling grandparents first. I could be super rediculous and just come out to my grandma with dimentia over and over until Ifeel like I can do it. My therapist was helpful. I talked about different elements of being conflicted over coming out and it being difficult. We mostly talked about mom, because she's the most anxiety producing. Quote of the days: Ms, "I'm afraid that if I don't set a deadline to come out, Iever will." Therapist, "If you don't ever come out, it probably means you don't want to. That's also ok." I love her so much. We talked a lot about enmeshment between me and mom hystorically, and though Ihave broken out of that enmeshment a lot, mom still has the illusion that our super enmeshed relationship is intact, just like when Iwas a kid. ANd, coming out may actually shatter her idea that our relationship is enmeshed and wonderful and Itell her all these things for emotional support. Therapist said something about what if my mom were gay, too, and came out back to me, and I almost lost my ever loving mind right there on the couch. Damn, I hope therapist lady was wrong on that. She kind of acted like she was kidding, ut, um, Idon't think she was kidding. My therapist seems to want me to build some more gay community and swap coming out stories. Ihaven't mentioned these forums to her, but Ithink that real life people would be good. Maybe I'll look for meet ups again. Maybe I'll have more success this time. Since I live in the south, Pride isn't until October anyway. That's very far off. Maybe I should ask my friend to introduce me to more of her people. The fact that her people overlap with the swing dance crowd sounds pretty sweet, too. There is no actual rush to tell people like tomorrow. I think the inner propulsion that Ihave is that I am excited to date and in a wway get on with all those life stages and have a good person in my life. But, Iwant my family to have a little time to adjust before having to meet someone, and I think being out to my family may make me somewhat more dateable. So, this is dumb, but Ithink I'm in a hurry because my ovaries are ticking out some kind of cout down. Like, if there is now this possibility of ever having a family, significant other, kids, whatever, Ifeel like I should get moving. Not sure, though. That's probably part of it anyway. Ok, I need to at least transfer myself to my bed and make a fake attempt at sleeping. Imay come back and post more. Goodnight, friends.
