Working through things

Hello. Lesbian here in a similar situation. Straight marriage, kids...trying to move foward. There are plenty of others here who are in or have been in the same. The only advice I can give is to be patient and take things one day at a time. Finding this forum has been a great blessing to me, lots of friendly people, good advice.

 

It sounds like you have been living your life as the person you think you ought to be, or perhaps as the person society expects you to be, rather than the person you really are. That incomplete feeling, that awareness of attraction to other guys has always been simmering away in the background, repressed under the mistaken idea that you will grow out of it. As a teenager you were told, or maybe you heard that it's a phase that all kids go through and grow out of, but actually, it's wrong to say that. I never grew out of my "phase".

What you are describing is a common story for many gay men and women who marry opposite sex partners and have kids. There is a long process of denial; of refusing to accept what is known and struggling with it until it eventually becomes overwhelming. The pressure always tells in the end.

If you have reached a point of self acceptance, you have crossed an important hurdle, because self acceptance is really one of the biggest challenges we face on the journey to coming out and living as an openly gay person. I'm not saying that the rest of journey will be plain sailing and without quite a few degrees of pain, but accepting the truth about our sexual orientation is no small achievement.

It's important to know that you will not stop loving your wife or caring about her as a person and there are steps that you and she can take to lessen the pain and distress as you begin to move forward, but maybe for now, you need time to pause and reflect, rather than doing overthink.

You have already done a good thing in creating this thread and opening up about your innermost feelings and I hope it's helped to release some of the pressure. I'm confident you may receive more replies from members who have been through the same process that you are going through, so stick around and keep talking to us.

 

Welcome to EC! You should expect to find a of of support and see that your not alone while you embark on your personal journey! We are all hear to share and help one another.

 

Hi and welcome to EC! So many of us on here are going through a similar journey. Please keep sharing, we're all here to support and encourage you.

 

Hey Kyboan

Keep posting here. Sometimes it takes awhile for others in a similar position to engage and these threads can get lost in a few days. Fresh postings will move it to the top again.

Many of us feel your pain. I kept my bisexuality under wrap for 30 years of marriage. The urges don't go away. One does not out grow them. Eventually, you will probably really need to express your sexuality or may not grow to the person you can be.

How you move forward depends on so many things. Your relationship with your wife. How open and accepting she is. Financial concerns. Family support. All of that. There are not any simple solutions or a prescribed path.

Use this forum to bounce your thoughts and feelings off of others. I would also, seriously, consider getting into some counseling. Preferably with someone experienced in LGBT issues.

For now, just remember that this is not your fault. Many of us have been, or are, in similar situations because we really didn't understand how our sexuality affects all aspects of our lives. Best of luck.

 

Hey Kyboan,

You've come to the right place. Your story is similar to mine and many here on EC. In my case I suppressed my identity for nearly 20 years of marriage while raising some awesome kids. I have a friend that didn't come out until his late 60's, married with a family too.

My point is its ok to be not ready right now; you have time. Focus on now and not the regrets of the past. I agree with Nickw regarding counseling, I've been doing that for a couple of months with great results.

Its a roller coaster we're on no doubt about it but rest assured at least there are plenty on EC willing to hear you out, share and help.

 

K
Regarding your stm "I'm happy I came out but I hate it"…

I'm sure u know, once u come out, of denial, there's no going back it. It's a one way street … of openness, acceptance, & truth. The "hating it" is just discomfort at the complications accociated w truth. Come on now, don't u also feel some pride, some pleasure, in finally being who u r?

The mess u refer to is just life! Stay true to the truth within. It gets easier.

 

So this is my first post and I'm glad I found this thread. I only recently came out as a lesbian after 20+ years of marriage plus kids, whole hetero-suburban life, etc. My husband has been both supportive and angry, which I expected and don't deny him his feelings. I've only come out to a few people, plus my family of origin, and I've had mixed responses. Some are totally supportive and others are totally rejecting and we haven't spoken since. I've also had mostly negative reactions from the lesbians I've told, they went from treating me like their "straight cool" friend to being noticeably distant and suspicious, which has hurt. Sometimes I feel as lost as I was in the strictly straight hetero-suburban world, and sometimes I feel really good about my own self acceptance and decisions because I am more clear inside, despite all the social/family stuff. Anyway, I'm taking it slow and trusting myself, which seems to be working overall. So, stay true to your own journey, it's your precious life, that's what I've found the greatest strength in, at least!

 

Do you have an LGBT centre in your city? That's the best place to start. I am going to counselling at my local LGBT centre. I find it very important that my counsellor is specifically an LGBT counsellor. I suggest the same for you.

 

It's always a toss-up between fear and pain. When the pain of being in the closet overwhelms the fear of coming out, you WILL come out.

 

The church may be a nice place for support. But most big cities have an LGBT centre. Are you in/near a big city? I honestly just googled LGBT (my city) and found mine straight away.

Through that centre i've found socialising events, counselling, all sorts of stuff. It's a great resource to have.

 

Take advantage of any resources available to find that counselor. I did not have that available so I called therapists out of the blue. On the phone I did not give any personal info but interviewed them with some pretty hard questions on their experience. First call I got the religious thing...whoa. Second call it worked and I found a great therapist.

Don't feel shy about firing your therapist if you are not comfortable and finding another.

Do you have any friends to lean on?

 

A good friend of mine uses his local LGBT friendly church as a great starting point or emerging himself in the community. If you are near South Florida, the Florida keys, Orlando, Tampa, Jacksonville or Gainesville, as a Native Floridian myself, I would imagine there are plenty of support groups you can tap into. And I would bet your probably no more than an hour from any one city.

That said, try and read a bunch of the stories here on EC, go and look at some archived posts. And ask questions!

 

So much great advice has been given on this thread. Starting to accept your identity yourself is a great start in this process. You could start doing a search for therapists in your area that are LGTB friendly. There's a lot of homework involved to do that, but I can't emphasize enough the importance of therapy to get you through.

All of us who have confided our true sexual identities to our spouses have felt the pain you now feel. Keeping it to yourself sucks so much. And as everyone can attest, it's so much better once you are able to reach that truth and share it. It's scary as all fuck to think about it, but take the word of everyone here, you'll feel better in the long run.

Good luck with your journey. Post whenever you want advice, need to get something off your chest or whatever. EC is a wonderful community. And go back to read some stories from others who came out to their spouses. Each situation is different, but it will prepare you for what to expect. I didn't come to this site until after I came out to my wife, but I wish I'd had a better understanding of what I was in for.

 

Hello there,
I am pretty much in the same position. My husband knows I am bisexual but I actually think I am gay. I can't bring myself to step that far & I can empathise with what you say.
The people here are very supportive and I hope that in time we find a way to be ourselves

 

This is very promising, you've found a great resource! That's awesome!! I'm happy we all found each other too. This forum is an amazing place, so much support and love here. Stick around, glad to have you here. (*hug*)