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Back after a long absence...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by womaninamber, May 26, 2016.

  1. womaninamber

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    According to the board I haven't been here since August, which is even more time than I thought. I'm a 49 year old woman and things are pretty rough for me. I still kick around things in my head like "am I really bi or am I just confused and looking for attention" and "does it really even matter since I don't date..."

    Right now I'm just feeling horrible because I have no partner, no friends, and no idea if I'll ever have anyone. I used to have this really close online friend but she's too busy to talk to me right now. Probably if I told her how horrible I feel she'd make time but I don't want to be manipulative like that. I go to different meetup events, not all the time because it's very stressful for me to be in a big group of people, but sometimes I go and I never make friends or have dates. (Most of them are LGBT meetups but that doesn't seem to help.) I was in an LGBT dance class but it's moving far from my house so I don't know if I'll be able to go back. People there were really nice but no one seemed interested in hanging out with me outside the class. (Except for these two husbands that I invited over once.) Which is fine, I mean I can't complain as long as people treat me nicely when I'm there, but I'm a lousy dancer and really only went for the people.

    I tried messaging women on a dating site but no one messaged me back and that was pretty discouraging too. I know that's very normal but it made me feel so bad I stopped doing it.

    And as I said I'm still confused on what I even am, so that makes it extra hard to seek out dates. I know I want to date women but I never have so maybe I'm wrong somehow. I know I should give up and just admit that I will be single for the rest of my life but that idea makes me feel like giving up. And having no friends makes the whole thing worse.

    Anyway I don't mean to sound whiny but I feel like my life isn't worth living the way it is and like there's no hope it would get any better. (I'm not trying to say scary things here, I never would have the nerve to do something stupid to myself, but the fact that I'm even thinking that way again is disturbing.)

    I try to think of things to cheer myself up, something to make my day better, but it's always "I'll go to the movies... by myself." "I'll go out to eat... by myself." I can't take it anymore and I just don't know what to do. I probably never should have divorced my husband (wasn't for sexuality reasons... or mostly not...) but that's all in the past and there's no point thinking about it now.

    Anyway I'm sorry if that sounds incoherent. I'm just feeling really bad tonight.
     
  2. kypso

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    I just wanted to send a hug you're way...
    You are never alone friend
     
  3. womaninamber

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    Thank you. I appreciate it.
     
  4. Adray

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    Welcome back.

    Have you tried joining groups that are based on an interest or hobby of yours? Perhaps a book club, or painting club, etc.? Just a thought. Perhaps starting with new friends could lead to someone knowing someone who might be a potential date?

    I hope you feel better soon! (*hug*)
     
  5. womaninamber

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    Thank you.

    I do go to meetup groups and did go to one book club. It was a little weird because they all hated the book and I really liked it, and I felt stupid and felt like they wouldn't like me if I told the truth. I mean I know that's not rational but that's the way my mind works when I'm around people - I'm always sure they're judging me. But I do go to meetups, I just never seem to make friends at them.

    It's also a little hard for me to get to events because I don't have a car and sometimes work on the weekend. But I'll admit it's mostly me being afraid of people, especially in groups.

    I'm definitely looking for friends and not only a date. But I don't have either one and sometimes it just really gets to me.
     
  6. biAnnika

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    Hello Amber...I remember you from well before August. Welcome back! You always have friends here...even if we may lack corporeal form.

    I find that when things aren't working for me in my life, change generally helps. Sometimes change can be as simple as coming back here, and drinking in some new thoughts, ideas, and influences. You're here...so that's a good sign. *smile* Other times, change can take the form of learning something new. But change can also mean going to new restaurants, libraries, coffee shops...all nice places to meet people.

    One line you wrote puzzles me:

    >> I know I want to date women but I never have so maybe I'm wrong somehow.

    If you know you want to date women, then you can't be wrong about that. I know I want to go to Paris...I've never been, but that doesn't make me question my interest...it's *why* I want to go! It sounds similar with you and women.

    I may go to Paris and hate it (I doubt it, but the possibility is there)...that's fine...I'll still be glad I went, and I'll have learned something. Same with you.

    But there's nothing to give up on...this is life...it goes on. And the one thing you can always rest assured of is that you can't predict it. There is no point in reconciling yourself to being alone...it's self-defeating. There is no harm in reconciling yourself to *not caring* whether you're alone or not...in fact, that's quite a good skill to cultivate. But that's quite different from giving up on something you want...especially since there's no good reason you shouldn't have it.

    Stay in touch, ok? *hugs*
     
  7. womaninamber

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    I remember you too!

    I guess part of it is I'm scared I would go out with a woman and realize I'm straight. I can't really imagine that happening, because I don't think someone could think about women the way I do and be straight, but then again I thought I was straight for a really long time. I might end up hurting somebody's feelings. Plus at my age people don't want to date someone who doesn't know who they really are. Maybe that's true at any age. And lots of women don't want to date bi women no matter how sure of themselves they are.

    Part of it is when I hear stories from other women who realized they weren't straight they talk about falling in love with their friends and that's never happened to me. I kind of had a crush on my friend in high school but it was probably not really a crush. And I had a few coffee dates with women a long time ago and didn't feel any chemistry... I had a couple of dates with men and definitely didn't either so that may not mean anything but I don't even know.

    Sorry, I don't mean to ramble on. I would like some kind of a change, something new, but it's hard for me to think what that could be. I do get out to various places and meetup groups and I can't help thinking maybe I'm just too unattractive or I give off straight vibes at the LGBT groups or something, because I just don't make friends.

    I don't mean to whine. I just really don't know anymore what to try. I have an extremely low self-esteem and it's just really hard for me to get out there. I know I need to work on that but I've been like that all my life and it's hard to picture it changing.

    Anyway thank you for talking to me... you've made some really good points.