The understanding spouse/partner

It's an interesting phenomenon reading about the people here who have significant others who receive what could often be soul-shattering news about your sexuality in a positive way. Partners who want to still be there for you and work with you through everything you are going through. It surely takes a toll on them, but the love and respect they have for you is so strong that they don't view this as enough to throw in the towel.

I'm not sure if it makes me jealous. I mean, I had a partner like that for 7 years, and it was pretty awesome getting to just be myself and not having to lie about my wants and needs. We didn't work out, but I'm at a point where I don't necessarily regret us not working out. I think it was all part of my journey.

And yet, I still find it frustrating that my partner right now can be so petty about everything. I know she doesn't owe me any sort of care or understanding, but it is hard not to let it hurt sometimes. Especially because even through all of the fighting, our friendship is still there and still strong. We actually do enjoy spending time together when we're just having fun.

I guess in an ideal world, I'd love to just be myself around her and let our friendship flourish. I'm not even sure if that means I'd want to stay in a relationship with her. The longer we go without having sex or being romantic, the more it makes me think about doing those things with guys instead. I don't think she gets that, or cares to get it...I don't know.

But like last night is a perfect example. She's getting ready to go on a girl's weekend with some co-workers to South Beach this weekend. She was telling me that apparently the clubs they want to go to all have $100 cover charges just to get in. I suggested they just go to a gay club, because surely they'll let the girls in there for much cheaper (plus, it's South Beach, I mean come on, the fun is going to be at the gay clubs). She said no, she doesn't want to go to gay clubs because she wants to get hit on while she's out. This honestly made me smile and laugh. I thought maybe it was a sign of her realizing that we are in fact separating and maybe even breaking up, and I totally support her goal of boosting her confidence in herself by having people flirt with her. She is beautiful, it will happen.

Anyway, a little after that, we got to talking about one of her co-workers who is going on this trip. I thought she was seeing somebody so I asked. Turns out they seem to have broken up because she thought the guy might be gay/bi and straight up asked him if he is bi. He was super offended and flipped out at her. I asked my wife if I could see his social media account, as she said he looked "very gay" to her on social media, though I warned that my gaydar is pretty bad. She responded with "Joe, your gaydar is so bad, you couldn't even tell YOU were gay." I laughed soooo much! I thought that was hilarious! She laughed as well. She also said in this conversation that after her experience with me, she doesn't believe bisexual is a real thing and that people are either straight, gay, or gay but lying to themselves about it. I said to her "so you think I'm gay and lying to myself?" She said yes.

So a little later, feeling like the lines of communication were kind of open, I mentioned to her that I'm considering going back to therapy. I had stopped back in March or so, mostly because I felt like if she saw me stop therapy she would get that I wasn't questioning being with her anymore. It didn't matter. Anyway, I am considering going back now. So I told her this. She asked why. I told her it's because I'm still questioning my sexuality. She became really upset about this (even though she was just basically calling me gay, jokingly and not jokingly, less than 20 minutes earlier) and asked me if I was questioning because I met somebody. I said no (technically true) and just that I need to figure this out. She was visibly upset the rest of the night. And that was that.

It's like she flirted with the idea of being understanding. That our friendship at it's best can handle jokes like my gaydar is so bad I didn't even know I was gay, and yet if I'm the one who wants to talk about being gay or the daily struggle I feel like I'm going through, it's off limits and I'm an awful person for it.

I know she's going through a lot, and I probably just have to accept that she can't/won't be there for me through this. But it's tough when somebody truly is your best friend and you just want them to laugh with you and maybe hold you and tell you it's all going to be okay. And they won't.

 

I try to be supportive of her, but it's pretty hard when she won't really talk to me without just being angry. I think her opinion of supportive would be me letting her go to heal on her own. Maybe she's right.

No, she doesn't know about my FWBs. At least, she doesn't know from my admission. She's not dumb, and I do think she suspects. She's obviously not at all happy that I'm moving in with them. If I confirmed this for her, it would be the last we spoke and it would hurt her so much. I know, that's all good reasons to probably have not gotten into this situation. But here we are. And I'm not willing to give them up given our current relationship status.

---------- Post added 26th May 2016 at 10:51 AM ----------

You're definitely right. My fear is she'll never speak to me again. But maybe I just need to take that fear by the horns and let whatever will happen finally happen.

 

I actually totally get it. I've had a few conversations with [for simplicity sake I'll call them] the boys and we're all on the same page about what we are doing and when it will likely end. I mean, honestly, part of me might look for/hope for a partner who isn't strictly monogamous as I think there's slight potential that I may be poly as much as anything else. Or at least that's something I may want to experiment with. But I realize one way or another, this arrangement has a shelf life.

And as for alone time, there's a lot of likelihood that I won't spend that much time with them. They'll both be working and going to school. I'll be working as well. And feeling like a third wheel around them isn't my goal either. I do understand that forcing myself to be alone sometimes is key, and I plan on trying that. But you're definitely right that it's not something I strive for very often at all.

---------- Post added 26th May 2016 at 01:04 PM ----------

Thank you, Barista. You're definitely right that I feel responsible for her happiness. There are times when she even says as much. Telling me she's basically never going to have a family because we aren't working out. That's really hard to hear. It's enough to feel like I've made a mess of my own life, but to feel responsible for somebody else as well, oye. And feel like I can fix her life by just forcing myself to be normal (I forced myself to just run with the word that I wanted to say without editing myself, so forgive me for the use of normal, but you get what I mean).

There's no way around feeling like this makes me a bad guy. I just need to own it. Be the bad guy.

 

Hey Nick,

I wasn't specifically thinking about your situation. I'm very happy for you, honestly. To be honest, reading Barista's post about her husband being understanding about an open relationship and such really made me think down this line. But there are actually tons of people here who have spouses and significant others who are sticking by them through this. Just like there are plenty of people who have lived through what I'm going through, with the spouse who just wants to make you the bad guy and tell you that you've ruined their life. I'm not exactly jealous, maybe envious? Maybe just wishing that things could have worked out for me that way. But truth is, my partner was never the person who was going to handle this without issue. And that's okay. She's allowed to be with a totally straight, totally monogamous guy if that's what she desires. The selfish part of me is still in conflict about taking the action to let her have this, that's all.

I also get that a lot of people on here have had longer relationships with lots of history, versus my 3 year relationship that isn't surviving its first major bump in the road. Can't compare situations entirely. But I can't help but wish. Maybe it's all part of mourning what could have been.

---------- Post added 26th May 2016 at 01:18 PM ----------

I really do feel like I'm stuck back at the beginning. I'm worse than a stock. Up and down, up and down. Or, gay and bi, gay and bi.

I do feel like moving out will help me to really think about this. That's also why I want to go back to therapy now.

And part of me still thinks I won't really figure it out until I just end this relationship and try dating guys. The "see if you miss girls" experiment as somebody said in my other thread from yesterday. Honestly, it might even be easier to end things once I've moved out in roughly a week. God, that makes me sound like such a chicken. Get out and then end it so you don't have to deal with the fallout directly. But I guess that's what people do, right? My ex dumped me and had hotel reservations set for the night for after she did it. Bah, I should just take her advice and be the bad guy.

 

This seems to be the direction I'm heading in, but slowly. Once I move, this weekend more or less, I'm going to start really thinking about what I want to do moving forward. Being out of the house already may make it easier (hard stil but easier) to tell my wife the truth.

Part of me is thinking about just being honest with her about certain things. That I need to be open about my sexuality since its part of who I am. That I feel like I need sexual relationships with men. Basically tell her I need these things or we won't work out. I already know the answer (there's not going to be a surprise here) but at least she can't say I wasn't honest about my needs.

If she said sure to those things, would I consider staying with her? Possibly. Our relationship is pretty damaged so it might all be pointless anyway, but I digress.

---------- Post added 27th May 2016 at 02:56 AM ----------

I do think my sexuality has a lot to do with the failure of the relationship. Like, sex is where everything roots back to. I was supposedly wonderful, doing all the chores around the house, giving her everything she wanted, etc. but our sex lives died down quickly after she told me almost two years ago that she felt too pressured into sex. I felt awful when she told me that and backed off on my requests. Told her she should say no when she wants to (and that's absolutely true). It turned into me always being the one to initiate and her shooting me down almost every single time. It wasn't until we were dealing with my sexuality again that she finally admitted to me that she's had a problem having sex with me because of my sexuality more than anything else. She admitted this because I kept asking her to maybe talk to a therapist or Doctor, because I figured something had to be wrong that had nothing to do with me for her lack of sex drive (turns out she doesn't lack a sex drive, just lacks wanting to do it with me).

And even now it feels like she's not addressing that at all. I don't get that from her. How she essentially wants to stay together but doesn't want to work on the most major thing that was bothering me. The bad thing is, I'm at a point where I don't even desire sex with her anymore. It's been so rare for so long that I'm just not there anymore.

This really isn't the problem I expected to deal with at 32. You're right about that. I don't think any of it excuses my actions in terms of going outside of the relationship for sexual satisfaction, but yeah.

---------- Post added 27th May 2016 at 03:05 AM ----------

Im going to take my wife's side on this one and totally run myself down here.

My wife has been very honest about what she wants in a partner.

I have not.

Why? Partly because I think I'm still figuring that out. Even the idea of dating guys, I fee like I have to figure out if I want to be in an open relationship, if I want to try being poly, etc. But even the things that I do know I've not been entirely honest with her about. I should have told her that my feelings towards guys weren't going away like I thought they would. I should have told her when I started being tempted to find guys to do anything with years ago. I've spent a lot of time just trying to fit the things that she's said she wants. So she won't leave me and will love me. Heck even a few months ago when I decided I wanted to make it work, making it work meant going back on a lot of what I said. I told her I didn't want to be openly bi/gay anymore. I told her I quit therapy because I didn't want to question anymore. That I would just focus on her and giving her what she wanted. And that's my big mistake ever time. I literally tried pushing myself back in the closet.

She doesn't get why telling me none of my attempts to fix things the last few months didn't matter hurts so much. Probably because she doesn't get how much I was trying to just deny myself of who I was to make it work.

The funny part is I think somewhere under her anger, she wants me to be myself and be happy. She just wants me to go do it and leave her to figure out her own life.

Step one, I'm moving out. Just have to keep reminding myself that. Step one. Get it done.

 

Thank you! The positive attitude is always appreciated! (*hug*)

---------- Post added 27th May 2016 at 06:16 AM ----------

This is the way I've been trying to look at it. Give myself some space from the situation and start to figure everything out. But my wife looks at it a bit differently. She thinks me moving (and especially moving in with who I'm moving in with) means it's already done and I've chosen to end us. We fought quite a bit last night about this. Interestingly, her mother is on my side so to speak. She thinks it's great that I'm getting my own place and even thinks it's fine that I'm doing it with the roommates I'm doing it with. She ultimately wants us to stop fighting since she sees the damage it is doing to her daughter and to us in general, so she sees this as a good start to whatever is going to happen. And she still considers me family. Sometimes I think this frustrates my wife more than it makes her feel understanding. Ah well.

I think I have a lot of things I have to come to terms with and figure out what I want. And yes, if I want my cake and to eat it too, I think that's okay...I just have to be honest about that want and accepting if the cake has no interest in being eaten. Or something like that. The metaphor started out better in my head.

And I'm not the biggest Star Wars geek, but I am a gigantic film geek so it's not like I haven't seen all of the movies and can't appreciate the advice!

---------- Post added 27th May 2016 at 06:22 AM ----------

Thank you! Your faith in me is always really empowering in a way and I appreciate it so much, OTH. I think there's been a few hard parts for me, and I'm crossing them off the list. Starting with depending on her for a place to live. That's about to be done. Next is dealing with the fact that if I tell her these things, in all likelihood, she will want to not talk to me or see me anymore. Also sucks that I'm taking a real gamble on possibly never getting to see our dogs again, or at least for a long time, because she becomes very vengeful and will keep me away from them. That really sucks, but it's something I may have to face.

I'm hoping with the space, and with us not fighting, we'll reach a point where there's less anger and we can talk calmly so that even if she doesn't like what I have to say, even if she wants no contact for awhile, it's out of a place of healing and not of hatred.

 

You're absolutely right, OTH! I reached that indifference with my ex girlfriend and I never thought I would. It will happen here too. Just takes time.

My theme song for the next month is this song most of you might not know by the pop punk band Four Year Strong called "One Step At A Time." Rocking out to it on loop every time I need a reminder that I'm doing the right thing!

Ohhhhh, I should get a record player for my new apartment! My wife wouldn't let me get one in our apartment. So doing this!