The journey

So I'm starting therapy (again) in a few weeks and I think I want to follow onthehighway's advice (thanks OTH!) and look back at my threads through my time on EC as a way to sort of get my head around a lot of the issues I want to focus on.

I think I'm going to use this space to sort of keep track of some observations about what I learn as I look back at some of these threads. If any of you guys feels like sharing your own reflections on your overall journey, jump in!

As a starting point, I'd like to say a bit about my journey as I see it now.

Wow, guys, just about 8 months ago, I came out to myself. It was a very odd moment honestly. Prior to that moment, I had always known about my "feelings", I just suppose I never really named them. They were instead all packed away in this jumble of emotions and thoughts I didn't deal with. Feelings and thoughts I *couldnt* deal with.

Anyway, the coming out moment - I had been drawn for some time to coming out stories. YouTube, interviews with gay celebrities, everyday people, just I couldn't get enough coming out stories. And I kept asking myself why I was so drawn to these stories. And then I said the sentence in my head: because these stories are my story.

A few days later, I came out to my husband. At that time, I labelled myself bisexual. (I don't like that label for me anymore, I feel much more at home with queer). But I could barely form that word, 'bisexual'. It was so hard to wrap my head around that word, it's meaning, its implications about who I am, who I've always been.

I would soon spiral into some intense ups and downs, mostly downs. I won't get into that, many of you were here to see it all anyway But suffice it to say, I went through a lot of anxiety, resurfacing of shame, regrets, fear, pain.

Those things will come up when I look through my threads.

Now, today, and for about a month, I've come to a very positive place. I feel alot of confidence, I'm starting to embrace my queer identity, I'm feeling more happy and free than I've felt in s long time. But there are still lots of things I need to sort through. Things from the past, things about the future.

So that's my story in a nutshell.

Anyone who wants to share anything of your own, jump in.

 

It's powerful isn't it? The first time II can say the words out loud, it can be both terrifying and freeing.

---------- Post added 27th May 2016 at 12:02 AM ----------

Ok so I've been reading through some stuff and I wanted to make a couple initial observations. First before I started reading through my threads I watched a couple coming out stories, and it was just as powerful as it was to me at the beginning. I was moved to tears.

I made some notes on my thoughts about some initial posts, but I want to do those thoughts justice at a later time. For now, I just wanted to comment on one thing -- I remember now when I first came out to myself, I really felt like I had this completely unusual experience, that I was totally screwed up I suppose. My experience of being ashamed for my own personal reasons, never acknowledging my feelings and never acting on them, and coming out so late. I thought I was a total freak. That totally fits one of the themes in my feelings through growing up. It wasn't until I told my story here on EC that I realised other people felt and experienced things the way I did. It was an enormous comfort to find that other people experienced similar things.

I've said it so many times but I'm so glad I found this community. It's been a source of immense comfort and encouragement.

 

Guys, it's hard to look back at my old threads. The 'me' I see in my posts through much of my EC time was in so much pain.

But I think this is the right time to do this, my general current positivity is still intact, basically I can handle looking at those threads at this point. But it does hurt to read them a bit.

One thing I took note of was some of the emotional swings and what was happening around those points in my journey. I noticed that I had a sharp nose dive emotionally around a month after coming out, that sort of stayed with me for a while.

I think I want to delve into that s bit more later.

On a happier note, it was fun to see my sharp up tick in happy posts around mid April. And I went through some interesting emotions leading up to that, some anger and some bitterness that I think may have been a necessary emotionsl driver for me to get the f* on with things.

I'll be back with more reflection soon. Need to run.