So, now it's official. I am in a mixed orientation marriage MOM. We had a thread awhile back titled "bisexual marriage". I learned a bunch from what other posters have learned while navigating their marriages to straight spouses. I thought it might be worthwhile sharing, again, what some of us have learned about what works and what doesn't work. This is not MY thread. So, comments from everybody are welcome. I have only been out a week now. So, my wife and I are in the "honeymoon" stage of our MOM. My wife is still getting used to the idea that her husband is not straight. It has been, surprisingly, positive. Although, there have been moments that I thought I would share. Adjusting to it...My wife is pushing the limits on what she can tease me about. Clothes that are gay, Now, I get to decide what color to paint the bathroom, etc.etc.etc. you get it! I am O.K. with it because it is her way of dealing right now. But, I will eventually need to reel that in a bit. Sex...Lots of it relative to before my outing. I think there is some over-compensating going on. Not complaining here. But, I suspect that we will reach some point where it will start to return to previous levels. This will take some work to keep a healthy level. On the sex note... I asked for "gay sex" last night. For me this was talking about a fantasy about a man I have with her while we fooled around. It was hard to stick to the script. It was a bit awkward at times and I am not sure it was what I wanted...more work to do. I think it may have been better for her...which may be really good. "Will this be enough"... Oh Boy! We had to table this conversation. Too much to learn, and too fresh right now. I wanted to answer "hell no, I need to play with a guy right now"! I did tell her that's how I wanted to answer the question but we need to really work on our intimacy first and see where we are. Ultimately, we make that decision together. Being out to others...Out of the question right now from her end. I respect that. Communication...The most important thing is that we are being truly open about everything now.
I can only hope my wife will have a level of understanding as this. She may be in her own world of denial, however, she seems to be taking it semi well. The idea of telling mine is still scary, but hopefully I'll get there soon. Good luck!
Hey Kyboan Every story is a little different. My wife and I plan on staying together. So, it is mostly about how I can get enough same sex in my life and my wife is on board. No denial at all on her part. I am a Kinsey 2. When my wife and I were having trouble I was looking at affairs with women, as well as, men. But, we have been married a long time...30 years and are both high level outdoor athletes. So, we have a unique partnership and friendship. My wife indicated she would stay married even if I was gay. You are so much younger. If you need the love of a man to be complete, your path will be different. But, that doesn't mean you cannot create a situation where you both can thrive once the communication starts. But, only you will know when that should happen. Is your wife pretty open minded about LGBT issues? Do you have a pretty good relationship now?
:smilewave Fellow Mixed-Orientation Marriage person here! I am bi. Kinsey 3. My wife is straight. She has known I am bi for a long time. It works for us. I could write a whole book, but I'll try to be brief and not bore anyone. The key - the most important thing - for us - is monogamy. I am monogamous by nature. I have always been slow to start relationships. One relationship at a time is my preferred state. Monogamy is also very important to my wife. My wife accepts that I have attractions to both men and women because she knows that I would never pursue anything with either. To address my same-sex desires, she is awesome at being adventurous with fantasy. Although most of the time we do regular opposite-sex stuff, we do occasionally incorporate toys, strapons, domination, adult movies of all kinds, and fun roleplay into the bedroom. There are no boundaries there, because we keep it between the two of us. I am satisfied emotionally with the love of my wife, and if I ever get the urge to be a bottom, she'll strap one on and rock my world. LOL. So the relationship works for us, based on the trust built on monogamy. I want to be very clear though, that I recognize and respect that polyamory and other types of relationships are great for other people - a lot of other people. Just not my thing. For a lot of reasons (book #2, perhaps... LOL), I am now coming out as bisexual to friends. My wife is supportive and has been awesome. Her one request is that I stress that I'm not coming out to look for additional partners or relationships, that nothing is changing in our relationship, that I am doing it to lift the weight of the secret, be more honest, be a part of the LGBT community and programs, etc. We all have different paths, hopefully sharing mine will help or give insight to others. I know I get a lot out of EC.
The thing that you hit on, Nick, that to me is the most important thing is communication. That's with any relationship. My first relationship with my ex girlfriend had open communication all the way through, and it was much different from the relationship I am in now. Well, almost out of? Anyway, I digress. I should have just been honest and communicated from the start, but I was pretty selfish about knowing that my wife wouldn't want to be with me based on a lot of things that I want. She doesn't believe me when I say that she's a hard person to communicate with. Even trying to talk about our unsatisfying sex life (without it even having to do with my sexuality) has been a failure time and again because she just gets upset and cries and then becomes defensive. Nothing can change if you can't just talk about it. More than anything else, lack of communication is what killed my relationship.
Update. I have been out now for two weeks to my wife. Things still going really good. This morning, as I lay in bed with my arms around my wife I mentioned how happy, and relieved, I was that she was accepting my sexuality. She responded "What is there to accept? I love YOU. All of you. This is just more information that let's me understand you. But, it does not change how I feel about you. I have witnessed you perform extraordinary acts. Your sexuality is a part of you that maybe allowed you to be that man." I sobbed "I have never loved you more"! I also asked her today if she would have married me if she knew. She said that she honestly didn't know at the time if she would have had doubts. She wishes I had told her sooner but wondered if she needed to know me better and trust me more. What is amazing is that we seem to be exploring each other again. Almost like newlyweds. What a gift to be married this long and having the opportunity to discover each other again. We continue to tease about my sexuality, bring my gay fantasies to the bedroom, guy watch together. There is continued mention of me getting boyfriend...although sort of in passing and teasing. I really don't think she likes the idea right now...that is fine. Right now, I am not all that interested. I do know that my gay side is the most important it has ever been to me and my desire to explore sexually my same sex urges is less than it has been for years. I also know that someday I will make love with a man but it will be the right thing for everybody when I do. And it will be extraordinary! Like my life!
Sounds like things are going well for you. I Hope that you can continue to grow as your authentic self.
Echoing Dani's statement. Nick, you are blessed. I was in a MOM for 15 years. My wife knew I was bi before we started dating and I will echo what others have said - communication is key. Here's my 2ยข: Once you start having secrets, it's easier to have other secrets, which is a recipe for lots of unhappiness, resentment and loss of trust. If you need another partner sexually, you need to be open about that. Don't "cheat" and think that she/he won't find out. By being upfront, the worst that can happen is your partner will say that's a deal-breaker and maybe your relationship will end, BUT I can tell you that if it ends with only the idea of a third party, and not the actual act - if that's the dealbreaker for your spouse - then the hurt will be a lot less for both of you. Second, if your spouse is open for a third party, consider letting them help choose who she/he shares you with. Again, no secrets. Third, if you start to have feelings for another person, address that immediately with your spouse first, not the other person. Talk to some poly people and see how they handle it. Tips and tricks, even if you're not poly, could go a long way in keeping your relationship with your spouse strong/healthy while meeting everyone's needs.
Thanks Kypso, Teach1, MarCD, Emma, Cali Emma: You are to correct that communication is the key. My wife and I have a no secrets pledge. I think she is maybe getting tired of how I tell her absolutely everything. But, I am not filtering anything right now...it has to all be out. Cali: I have read a few of your posts, not all, so, I may be getting a bit of the wrong impression. But, I wonder if you are giving your husband enough time maybe to sort through his feelings. My wife and I are at a completely different time in our marriage than you and your husband are. So, what is working for us is different. Neither of us has any intention of living our days out with someone else. So, we are motivated to make it work. I can understand his fear that you would leave him for a woman. My wife had the same fears. But, the history of trust is much longer and she knows I will not lie to her that I will not leave her alone. I have made that commitment. So, regardless of what WE decide on my potential "playing" on the side, the most important thing is that I will stay committed to her and will not jeopardize that. I don't know how a mixed orientation marriage can work without that sort of commitment.
