Update / Freaking Out

Hello, I wrote a post on here before (can't believe it was almost a year ago!) and thought I'd update... I think I'm at another crossroads. Some of the advice I got before was really helpful and useful.

So last June I was talking about being a 38 year old virgin, feeling stuck and wondering if it was all too late for me. I'd had therapy but, at that point, had stopped.

Back then, absolutely nothing physical had ever happened in my life before (aside from friendly hugs) because of this wall of religious guilt and shame that had been indoctrinated since childhood.

Just after my last post, I met a guy and we kissed on a date. Now, this might not seem a big deal for many people, but for me it was huge! I'd spent years wondering what it would be like to be viewed in a sexual way by someone, and be involved in a sensual moment. As you might expect, it was a bit of an anticlimax (how could it not be?). I didn't feel particularly aroused, not because the guy was unattractive but just because I suddenly felt so much stress and didn't want to get it wrong.
We also had a bit of an argument later on during the same date and ended up not seeing each other again! I'm usually a really even tempered guy but something he said annoyed me and I acted unusually defensive. Looking back, you don't need to be an expert in psychology to see that I was in panic mode and pushing him away - without even realising I was doing it. My safe, solitary, single world was under threat.

I started seeing my therapist again and he put me in touch with this organisation that does intensive group therapy in London for gay men. So I went to this weekend residential thing about 'confronting shame'. There was a lot of sitting in circles, holding hands, crying, hugging etc. It wasn't completely my sort of thing, but I think it was useful. I met some interesting people, gay men from every different background, some of whom made my problems seem very tiny indeed. I think it was good to talk about the shame of my virginity openly, as normally it's something I conceal.

So then, the following month I decided to go ahead and book an appointment with an escort. Some of the advice I received on here before suggested it might not be the best idea - but I thought about it long and hard (excuse the crap pun) and decided I had to do something. My CBT therapist (also a sexual therapist) knew about it and didn't feel it was inappropriate for me, and I made sure I picked someone my age, and seemingly trustworthy (though of course it's always a gamble).

I don't regret it at all. I wouldn't say it was the most wonderful, earth-shattering experience of my life. (Actually, probably the most terrifying) But it was a positive experience, and it did demystify sex for me a bit. I thought I'd freak out and have to be coaxed into doing stuff. But even in that odd, weird scenario, I was able to get into it a bit, and appreciate how great physical intimacy can be. And he was super hot.

Of course this didn't solve all my problems and turn me into a sexual being. But maybe it eased my mind.

So onto the most recent thing...
A couple of weeks back (after much dating) I met a really nice guy- nothing has happened between us yet, we've not even kissed, but we have been on 3 dates. He seems to really like me. He's a few years younger, good-looking, smart.
But I am FREAKING OUT. I know that his end goal (based on his online profile) is a relationship. In broad terms, that's what I want as well - but as with the guy I kissed last year, I am having to really struggle not to push him away. Every instinct within me is telling me to end it, find an excuse to get rid of him. (Though so far, he hasn't given me any reason to.)
I think my self esteem comes into play a bit as well. I keep thinking 'this good-looking guy is interested in me - there must be a mistake, he must be very very much mistaken'
Traditional logic would, I guess, say 'If you're not 100% sure you want to be with him, it's obviously not right' - BUT I've a strong suspicion that my reticence could just be the legacy of 38 years alone, alone, alone. Surely my brain can't be blamed for freaking at the prospect of suddenly having to share my life with someone?

I think I'm realising that physical intimacy was not the only fear I was battling (sounds obvious now), and that I've built this little castle from whose ramparts I've been looking for perfection. No-one will ever be perfect for me. I'm seeing him again next week, but I'm in so much turmoil it's making me physically ill. Still thinking of cancelling...
Anyone out there been in a similar situation to this? Having to let someone in after decades alone? Do you 'know' they are right for you from the start - or do you just have to go for it and shelve the uncertainty? Will I just get old and grey if I wait around for 'the one' / 'the lightning bolt'?
But what if I go for it, and it's a huge mistake - and I end up hurting him? I don't want to hurt him. (Maybe he's safer dating someone without these issues, and letting him go is the kinder option for him?) Thoughts welcome... x

 

Thank you for your advice. You're right. I don't want to be sitting here in a years time thinking 'could I have made it work with that guy?' and never knowing. At least if I pursue it and it doesn't work, I'll know I tried and I won't be left wondering.

I think just writing it down on here in a post helped me to see it for what it was.

Thanks again for taking the time to read what I wrote and to respond, it means a lot to me.