Hi everyone. I'm still keeping on, but still struggling a little with accepting being gay myself. I've told lots of people and had nothing but support but life is still difficult. I know it's early days but I'm struggling to see how I'm going to get happy with myself. It would be a lot easier if my gayness had been more obvious growing up or if I had fallen madly in love with some guy. It seems like I'm going more on a hunch and collecting bits and pieces of experiences and thoughts over the years. I've sampled gay pride and even had some sexual experiences but nothing seems to lift the depression that I have. I think I'm doing everything right, meeting people, going to therapy, going to gay bars, going to a gay dads group but it still feels hard feels like I'm forcing myself to do these things and searching for an epiphany. It still feels surreal. Throw in the fact that separation has left me with money worries it seems in dealing with all of lives stressors at once - relationship breakdown, cancelling wedding, money, parents not speaking to me, coming out, selling a house - all going on whilst trying to hold down a job, telling friends my 'news'. Sometimes it's overwhelming. I'm making my way through queer as folk box set. Anyway thought I'd check in. On a positive note I'm having a drink with a guy who has just come out and leaving his marriage on Monday which should be good as he's going through a lot that I am. It's not easy but I'm still standing!!
Stay tough bro! I know, this stuff is hard. At first I was shocked and scared too. But man does it feel good when you finally accept it! ^^ Wooo!
Hey Just Asking. That sounds like a lot to go through, so please go easy on yourself. I think the end of a relationship is always hard and takes time to process, regardless of circumstance. You sound like you are doing all the right things - it all sounds very positive. Do you have the opportunity to have time to yourself to do what you enjoy? Like something that might take your mind of everything that has happened and give you the chance to just have some fun? I take it your parents didn't accept you coming out/seperating very well? *hugs* hope you feel better soon
Thanks guys. Yeh parents didn't take it too well. They aren't really speaking to me, had the occasional text but they are definitely not supportive. Yes it is about taking time but it's not easy! Trying to stay tough and just plough on through things.
Maybe your parents reaction has caused you to both rethink your decisions and delay your acceptance. Focus on getting around their issues, it's your life, and you can only live it once. I know it's easier said than done, but having personal experience with separating from my parents views (for numerous other reasons), I know it's achievable. Raise above them to embrace your individuality.
Justasking don't take this the wrong way but I think you're doing pretty well. The only life stressor you haven't listed is losing a close friend or loved one. You have every right to be a bit low and it's to be expected. But in time these things will work out. I expect to face the same challenges soon so I plan on taking each one of these as a little project and face each one on its own terms and not like a tidal wave of issues. Divide and conquer I guess. Keep your head up!
I don't think it's delayed my acceptance, that's just gonna take time I reckon but it hasn't helped though. It would be good if we were at least talking rather than radio silence. Years, decades of denial will take time to overcome I think. I wouldn't even let myself fantasise about guys at all, such was my level of denial for such a long time.
The paradox is that when you are looking for the epiphany it evades you. You get to be gay. Go out and savor it. Enjoy the events that you go to. Check out the hot guys. Take it all in and let it nourish you. The best way to find the epiphany is not to seek it. Instead enjoy the journey and the epiphany will find you as you live in authenticity. You mentioned that you have depression. Do you have clinical depression or just the blues?
Clinical depression. I'm on medication and seeing psych and doctor to treat it. I am getting a little better than say a few months ago. ---------- Post added 28th May 2016 at 08:02 AM ---------- You are prob right regarding an epiphany, it may not ever come and may well just be a slow journey.
You are doing the right things to accept yourself as a gay man (coming out, gay pride, sexual experiences, developing a network of gay friends by going to gay events, etc.). There's definitely synergy at play, so you may want to try and tweak the mix of activities if you don't feel that you are clicking and gaining traction. You also have some significant stressors in your life (money woes, parents not speaking to you, selling the house, etc.). Given that you are being treated for clinical depression, I don't think it's realistic to expect that your depression will lift overnight. It will take time to heal and rebuild. Things will gradually get better over time, and it sounds like they already have in the past few months. Hopefully therapy is helping you find and eliminate the root cause of your depression. For me it was the rumination caused by negative self-talk and putting the needs of others ahead of my own. Now gone, gone, gone. Your epiphany will come! Keep on doing what you've been doing and one day you'll wake up and it will all begin to make sense. Focus on enjoying the journey and the rest will take care of itself. Hang in there!!!
Honey, it sounds like you are doing all the right things, making huge steps. It's not an easy process, I think the pain is going to be there for a while. It takes time to shed the shame and pain. But hang in there, you're doing amazing! I believe your emotions will level out over time. (&&&)
Love the optimism and positive attitude. You will get through this and be in a much better place. I am a stronger, more optimistic, and more authentic person today than I was a year ago. I get emotional when I look back and think about how far I've come. Looking forward to the day when I will read your post about how you overcame this challenge!!!
Just asking, you're doing fantastically well under all those things! I also know depression. You are fighting it, living your life, and making progress! You will make it through, you wouldn't be in the state you are now if you didn't have the strength. Stay positive!
Thanks I just wish it hadn't been so hard to accept. I mean I'm 37 and have been struggling with myself for such a long time. If I'd known in my teenage years it might have been easier but realising came as such a shock to me when I was going out with my first serious girlfriend. I'd wanted to be in a relationship with a girl so badly and then when I realised I was barking up the wrong tree I totally freaked out. I was in love with the idea of being straight and to accept otherwise is difficult but I was brought up in an environment where everyone was straight and there was no alternative. No relatives I knew were gay and no friends. Being gay was something for other people not for me.
Freaking out can come with the realization your world view had shifted. I'm sure you will come to terms with it.
Dude, I just came out last year at 48 years old. I had my first gay experiences at age 12, and then suppressed it for 36 years. I waited until I was in my late 20s to be involved with women, and have a daughter with one of them. When I came out, it was an emotional experience, beyond anything I had expected (in a good way). I still haven't found anyone, but I am looking for more of an emotional connection than a physical one. You have plenty of time to enjoy your life. I recommend that you enjoy having discussions with the guy you met, but don't try and make it into something more. You need a supportive friend right now. If you try to force it into a relationship, you could find yourself without either a partner or a friend. Enjoy Queer As Folk, but remember that the lifestyle portrayed in the show is only a very small segment of the entire community. Most of us don't live in a studio apartment, go to the clubs until 2am, have a twink f-boy chasing us, and bring home a different guy every night. Then again, not all of us find our one true love and run a quaint inn or B&B either. It is your life, enjoy it, and live it the way YOU want to, not trying to fit some stereotype.
When you say you suppressed it, do you mean that you completely ignored it, even in your sexual fantasies?
