Just a rant

While staying married and remaining in the closet is a potential option after coming out to your wife, I wonder if this is the optimal choice for a person who is genuinely gay. For me, I felt that it's best to divorce and start living an authentic life. After the initial discomfort of coming out to my wife, life has definitely gotten better for me.

What is the motivation for living as you had been before coming out?

 

Hi Boatman (*hug*)

You are certainly not making a stupid choice, you're doing your best! But it may not be the happiest choice. Like SF said, living as a gay man is likely most fulfilling if you move on from the marriage. But within the marriage there are options for living out your sexuality, at least in part. Are you open to the idea of open marriage?

 

Boatman, i to, although not out to my wife, am having the what ifs, what am I missing in my life. It's one of the biggest reasons I came on EC. As painful as it might be, and I am really struggling with this, as Sienna stated we might just have to be real with ourselves. I dunno if that's want you want but I wanted to let you know, I understand what you are feeling

 

I sent you a PM. As always, lots of love and support to you!

 

It seems to me that you are staying with your wife because of inertia and nostalgia (you had lots of good times in the past). The question before you is do you envision better times ahead given that you are in a mixed-orientation marriage that cannot fulfill your true sexual and romantic needs?

I know that it's difficult to consider hurting a loved one by doing something that must feel so selfish right now by leaving your marriage and embarking on a new chapter of your life. This is not really selfish, which is overloaded with negative connotations, rather it's assertive. You would be making a healthy choice given the new realities after coming out to your wife.

Each of us has our own timelines on this journey towards authenticity. Ultimately you need to figure out and do what's best for you.

 

It be helpful if u indicated:

- do u love & feel loved by your wife?
- what's your sex life w your wife like?
- do u have young children?
- since u say you're not an open marriage type, what's your outlet for your gay sexuality? R u into gay porn, a men's group, discrete hookups, a gay artists or social group? u need some outlet for your gayness, whether you're married or not.
- how's the rest of your life? R u living the life u want to live?

 

Hey Boatman

I am just out as a bisexual to my wife. It is a bit different for me as I can be satisfied emotionally and sexually with a woman. That does not mean I don't want to do something gay, if you will. This may not work with you since you identify as gay.

My wife has agreed, actually it was her idea, that I look up a gay man who propositioned me and rekindle our friendship as a platonic relationship. She would like me to hang out with other gay and bisexual men to fulfill some of the social aspects of my orientation.

We also spend time both checking out guys together. She wants me to flirt too. And, we are bringing some of that to bed...Mostly, sharing verbally fantasies while fooling around. Is this enough? I don't know. That is our big "what if" on the table.

The one thing we do now is talk about everything. I do not let anything sit and neither does she. If your goal is to stay married (for whatever reasons) you may need to really keep the honesty and openness going.

Have you discussed the gay FWB on the side alternative? My wife is warming up to the idea as she wants me fulfilled and I never would have thought it two weeks ago.

 

I was thinking the same, sexuality and sex aside, it's important to nurture your gay identity, whether through community or some outlet. I think this would do you a world of good.