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Kinsey scale question

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by marriedguy, May 30, 2016.

  1. marriedguy

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    I'm having a hard time figuring out what to identify as. The only person I'm out to is my wife and I came out to her as bisexual many years ago. But, based on my thoughts, fantasies, past, who I check out on the beach and the fact I had a couple gay magazines hidden in the house years ago, I'm wondering if gay is more accurate (my wife seems to think so)? I have a good friend who is female and happens to be gay and she's pretty open with me. I've almost opened up to her about myself because I know I could trust her. But because I'm about a 5 on the Kinsey scale, I'm not sure what to come out as. I'm wondering if it's more accurate to identify as gay since I'm a 5? Although there would probably less explaining to do on my part if I said I was bisexual since I'm married. Either way, she's going to be completely shocked because nobody would ever expect this of me at all. I wouldn't mind setting the record straight with my wife either. Any thoughts?
     
  2. SiennaFire

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    There are a number of people on EC (including me) who are Kinsey 5 and identify as gay in real life. I identified as bisexual for a number of years until I realized that my attraction to men was way stronger than my attraction to women (i.e., Kinsey 5).

    Here are the reasons why I identify as gay rather than Kinsey 5 bisexual
    • It's unlikely that I will pursue another romantic relationship with a woman
    • Gay is a lot easier to explain than Kinsey 5
    • Gay feels closer to the truth than bisexual.
    There's no right answer here. You need to do what you feel is best for your situation.

    HTH
     
    #2 SiennaFire, May 30, 2016
    Last edited: May 30, 2016
  3. baristajedi

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    This is so personal to your own needs, wants, feelings. I think identity is important but it often comes on the heels of other questions about your needs and life choices. Do you want to stay married? Do think it's more true to your needs and desires to say that you are gay?

    You can identify however you feel comfortable and it doesn't matter whether it aligns with your current marital situation. But thinking about your needs in those terms might help you decide what label you choose to use.
     
  4. afgirl

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    I personally don't like labels, but I know there was a time where I just felt like I had to know what I was. We all like to fit into a neat little compartment, but sometimes it can be complicated. No real advice here, but I do hope you find the answer for which you are searching.
     
  5. FinallyOut2015

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    I am me....screw Kinsey.
     
  6. Tomás1

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    I think it's best to look within, as to your orientation, at such things as:
    - what's the sexual content of my dreams & fantasies?
    - am I attracted to women, men or both in public?
    - who do I have the richest conversations with?
    - noticing my genitals, who do I get sexually turned on by?

    Other aspects in your situation:
    - since you've been married many years, u could have repressed aspects such as:if you've been fantasizing about men for many yrs, wo much real experience, it's hard to tell how much you'd like the reality of having a bf or gay sex
    - you'd need to determine if u want to stay in your relationship. Would your wife be open to u having a fb on the side? Different wives react differently to a husbands gay side. I'd try to find out if it threatens her, or if she's unduly paranoid about u spreading an std to her - which would indicate she's not comfortable w it.
    - how much do u value your marriage - u don't say much about it.
    - lastly, u need to determine if your gay side is just fantasy. The only way u can do this is by dating, befriending, or having sex w another guy. Finding the man of your dreams may be difficult, the more so, the more selective u r. Gay rel have the same compromises as straight rel.

    I suggest u & your wife meeting w a good relationship therapist, who could act as a mediator. It doesn't make sense to hide things from your wife - there's much more satisfaction in being real than phony. Good luck.
     
  7. Nickw

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    As a bisexual, I think some of it depends on what you want to do with that label. If you plan on staying with your wife, love her, can have a satisfying sexual and romantic relationship and feel this if fulfilling, what does it matter where you are on the spectrum? If you are feeling so unfulfilled that you feel you are not living your life as who you are, then, maybe gay is an identification that may allow you to embrace your sexuality and accept yourself. In the end, it is a theoretical number, not your individual sexuality.

    When I am with my wife, I am using the term gay even though that is not really accurate. This is to continue to remind my wife that I do have same sex desires and they are not optional which is how I think some perceive bisexuality. Labels can be helpful in describing yourself to others but be careful in letting them define you to yourself.
     
  8. marriedguy

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    Thanks for the responses and the great advice. Here's a little more info and answers based on your feedback.

    -For me, gay is a little more the truth than bisexual but if I decide to come out to my friend, I may just tell her that I'm not straight.
    -I do want to stay married to my wife since we do have a good relationship and I love her very much.
    -I would like to have a FWB and she does know that but has yet to approve, although I may be making progress here.
    -My dreams and fantasies are about the same sex
    -more attracted to men in public (my wife will occasionally joke with me about it)
    -I can have great conversations with both men and women
    -In terms of my genitals, I'm more turned on by men and I really enjoy it when my wife mentions something about it
    -I have had experience many years ago and enjoyed it
    -I admitted to myself that I was bisexual when I was 18 because I didn't want to believe (or even know) if I was gay. I met my wife shortly after that and pushed everything into the closet

    So you can see my dilemma...but I sure have found this site to be a huge help. Thanks!
     
  9. Nickw

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    I am still not quite sure what the dilemma is. You, apparently, have a pretty good understanding of your sexuality and your emotional and sexual needs, are open to your wife, and looking at ways to fulfill your needs.

    If it is strictly about your trying to be open and honest; I, personally, do not see any problem with using any label you need to share what you would like with someone. For your friend, who understands, describing yourself as "pretty much gay" could be O.K. For others, it might require less explanation of your marital situation to just say bi. For yourself...whatever feels right. I like "not straight"!

    You and I are functionally similar. Married and looking for ways to fulfill same sex desires within the marriage. I am "bi" because I look a bit more at other women maybe. You are "gay" because you look more at men maybe. Does the Kinsey score matter?
     
  10. marriedguy

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    Well said Nickw, the Kinsey score doesn't matter. I guess my dilemma was trying to figure out the best "label" for me. Like you said, I do have a pretty good understanding of my needs. "Pretty much gay", "bisexual" or "not straight" all could work depending on who I'm talking to and if I feel like sharing that side of me. Although I have only been brave enough to share it with my wife so far.
     
  11. SiennaFire

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    marriedguy

    Either you're not a Kinsey 5 or you're not being honest with yourself about what that really means ...

    I know that it's difficult to take the next logical step. There's so much uncertainty and doubt. Trust your gut and know you will get stronger as your journey progresses.

    Enjoy your holiday and we'll chat more after the break.

    Best,
    SF
     
    #11 SiennaFire, May 30, 2016
    Last edited: May 30, 2016
  12. Teach1

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    Marriedguy,

    There are many similarities in our stories. Also, we are at very similar places with this. Please keep posting with details of your journey and I will do the same. Hopefully we can learn from each other and gain strength.
     
  13. Katchoo

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    When I came out to family recently, I used phrases like, "I'm not straight," and, "I think ladies are pretty." We talked about how I like a few guys, but very few. Mom asked me the percentage question. Though I don't like the percentage question, Idecided that 90/10 would communicate what I needed my mom to think.
     
  14. Awesome

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    You could come out as mostly gay. Another option would be to explain your sexuality instead of using a specific label.
     
  15. ThreeBears3

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    If it helps any I id as bi even though I'm only attracted to women... If you're going just off attraction that's one thing but sexuality is sort of more complicated sometimes... There was a time when I thought maybe even pan sexual but it's really just women so bi works seeing as how I'm married to a man ... Labels are weird, good luck

    ---------- Post added 31st May 2016 at 12:18 PM ----------

    I get this. I really did try to date men too, even married one and that's going as well as can be expected we are good but it's more about who he is than the fact he's a man, actually that's actually an issue we sometimes have because I'm nearly exclusively into women... But I get (clearly) not ruling men out...
     
  16. Morgana

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    There is a new concept that has expanded on the original Kinsey scale by adding a new axis. If you Google "The Kinsey Scale is Dead" you will find a variety of links to the articles describing it. Basically, though, it includes both sexual orientation, and adds another axis for attraction type. The second axis varies from "Aromantic Asexual" to "Hypersexual" I'd suggest it as a good read.

    Morgana