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Is it even possible to think about your own needs when you're a parent?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, May 31, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Being a parent makes me feel sometimes like I never have the ability to consider my needs, my feelings. Things could be going so positively in terms of the decisions and actions Im trying to make in this process, but general everyday shit with my daughter leaves me with so little energy, patience, time, positivity left in me to take care of me. And the irony is, the more I take care of me, the better a parent I will be.

    But, I'm in a never ending cycle right now with my daughter's crankiness and my lack of patience, and when I get into these kinds of cycles, i feel like I'm drowning. I think I just need to see beyond the shitty feelings on the surface so I can get back to creating a positive base to work from.

    My daughter has really bad days every once in a while, and I find it impossible to pull my spirits back up (sometimes for days) to be more relaxed and patient with her, then my lack of patience makes it easier for her to get cranky which makes me more impatient. I then get to where I'm saying things that are on the verge of making me feel like a horrible parent. I just want to scream and yell, and of course, I mostly hold all that anger in and it's exploding inside of me. I feel like a failure on top of feeling angry at the situation. And these bad days bleed into the next and the next to where everyday starts to feel like shit.

    Anyway I'm crying on the bus. Feeling like a bad mom, feeling like my life is just going to be forever a string of shitty parenting moments with no reprieve, none of the positive good stuff I have with my daughter, and no time for anything else either.

    I hate this shit. I f*ing hate it. :bang:
     
    #1 baristajedi, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Your obviously having a bad moment. Nothing more. For any parent, it is important that they are there for their kids. At the same time, it is equally important that parents do not let their kids dominate their life. Parents need to maintain a degree of independence. And sometimes, kids need to simply be left to their own devices.

    Your a great mom. Don't sweat it!
     
  3. baristajedi

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    Thank you. I think I really needed to hear that. It is just a moment, I have to keep reminding myself. And I do believe Im a good mom, but sometimes my anger is just so intense. I hate feeling so angry. It scares me how I angry I feel sometimes.

    I've been on the verge of tears for days, because I get so upset that all the emotion just starts bubbling up inside me.

    I think I need to plan something, a drink with a friend, a meetup, something that makes me feel like I'm not forgetting me. I'm going to do that today (make a plan). And I think after work I'm going to stop for 30 min for a coffee and just clear my head.
     
    #3 baristajedi, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  4. OnTheHighway

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    Clearing your head, however you do it, is the right approach. You absolutely need time for yourself. For me, I typically exercise for an hour a day. That is my alone time. I can reflect and contemplate.
     
  5. kypso

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    Yes I totally understand. That feeling that you are a parent before a person now is palpable. Parenting is just one big festival of guilt.
    Remember, you matter. It is better for kids to have a happy settled parent than a clearly trapped unhappy one. You are not just mummy but the person you were before that too
     
  6. baristajedi

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    I think that our routine is starting to get more settled, so I'll get a better handle on how to make time for me everyday. The commute so far has been nice because it's a bit long and I find that relaxing. Exercise is a great way to clear your head, I should do that... Although I won't lie, I'm too lazy right now for that!:lol:

    ---------- Post added 31st May 2016 at 12:44 AM ----------

    Ah, the guilt of being a parent, I so get that.

    You're right, I need to think about me and my needs. I've drifted from that a bit while we're transitioning our routine. And I don't want to lose sight of me again, that was a huge issue in the past. I think this past couple weeks or so is my reminder to take care of me.
     
    #6 baristajedi, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  7. greatwhale

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    When you love someone, you take care of yourself...for them. It's like those safety instructions on aircraft, placing the oxygen mask on yourself first, before putting it on your child.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    It's true, this is so true, and I think i never really took this to heart until quite recently, over the course of the last 6 months or so. (Coming out, honestly has been instrumental in really bringing this message to the surface). But now that I have this mentality, I'm struggling a bit at times really *living* it. Sometimes I get into a really bad cycle and I'm trying to figure out s strategy to break that cycle. Because I know what it's like to lose myself in my parenting and my commitments.

    I suppose the best I can think at this moment is ...make lists of things I can do to get my own space and to keep myself fulfilled (lists make me feel accountable), and recognise that sometimes I just have to get up and walk away even when I feel like I'm needed, just trust that my husband will take care of things when I need to abandon ship sometimes.
     
  9. kyboan

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    Hey barista,
    I go through those roller coaster feelings sometimes. This morning in fact my son was having a meltdown because he wanted to take his transformers toys (there's a lot) and I limited him down to three. I lost my shit with him because he was just being a typical 3 year old. So you're not the only one who loses their pacience with children, believe me. I understand the feelings of being a bad parent because of it. But at the end of the day, look at them and see how they're looking at you. Nobody else on the world holds an unconditional love like that except for your own child. To him I can do no wrong, and it holds out hope that I'm doing a good job.

    With all them heathen things going on with myself, I've noticed it's harder to keep my pacience, but one day at a time is what I'm working with. So that's what I'll leave you with, just go one day at a time.

    Good luck!
    Kyboan
     
    #9 kyboan, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  10. OutofZCloset

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    I'm dealing with my 14 year old daughter so I feel your pain. Sometimes it's really easy and sometimes it's a battle. My daughter loves to text me with every irrational thought she has. The sad thing is when I see that she's texted me I now get this nervous feeling before I've even read the text because I know it's going to include some sort of drama.
     
  11. dirtyshirt84

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    I can relate to this!

    I think you have good and bad days as a parent, everyone (well, most people) do their best and no one is perfect. I also feel a better parent when I've had some time to myself and spent some time with friends and with my partner. I have also met some great 'Mum friends' which have become important to me, it's great to go through the same things with your kids with people who understand. No one else wants to listen to you complain about how hard breastfeeding is or how you haven't slept in so much detail repeatedly :slight_smile:

    I find it hardest when my kid doesn't sleep and ends up in my bed but I just try and remind myself that one day he won't want to do that. When he smiles or says something funny or learns something new it makes it all worthwhile. It's a cliche but they grow up so quickly and you don't get that time back.

    Not sure if any of that was helpful or not but thought I'd share my experience!
     
    #11 dirtyshirt84, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  12. ThreeBears3

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    I get you. I don't mean that in a weird way but when I see stuff you post I feel like the things that weigh on me and weighing on you too ~hugs~ I don't know if it's possible to think about ourselves. This year I had an injury and I knew I was hurt but did nothing because I thought it wasn't too bad and I have kids, kids come first and it's day to day then I'm in hospital for a few days then a few weeks on pills and I'm just totally thinking ok what about me, why don't I ever think of myself. I'm in such a weird place right now because when I think about what I want and what I need to do and feel and... It's just not even possible to get time to myself... I could use someone to commiserate with through all the ups and downs... I hope you can find something to help you feel like you're getting a tiny but of time to yourself maybe?
     
  13. baristajedi

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    Thanks so much you guys, all of your comments have been a tremendous help!

    I just peeked in on my daughter sleeping in her room...she's the sweetest little girl. And kyboan, what you said about how your son looks at you at the end of the day, this is the same with my daughter; that is such an amazing feeling to know how much she loves to be with me, to cuddle with me, to do what I'm doing, to imitate me and share things with me. Always telling me she loves me.

    Thanks for all the encouragement and support, guys!!!

    And as far as finding time for me, I've been looking at some LGBT meet ups to go to, and there are several upcoming ones I might do, planning a drink with a friend this or next weekend also. And today I stopped for a short time after work to clear my head.

    I just have to always arrange plans, make sure I always have something to look forward to for myself.
     
    #13 baristajedi, May 31, 2016
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  14. afgirl

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    This is a difficult one for me. I raised two children pretty much 100% by myself. I had an unhappy childhood, and I just never felt wanted. Not trying to sound pitiful or anything, but I wanted my kids to know how important they were to me, so I put my happiness on the back burner....WAY on the back burner.

    So now things are starting to happen and it did start with me going out on occassion and meeting up with people from work. My daughter is completely perplexed by my new social life. Why am I doing this to her???? I think if I had asserted myself and thought about myself a bit more, we'd be in a healthier place now. I love my kids dearly, but I can look back now and think perhaps I was not doing the right thing. Please don't let yourself get lost in being a mom. There is so much more to you, so don't feel guilty for that.
     
  15. Katchoo

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    Can Dan Savage start another "It gets better" campaign, but this time about being a parent?
     
  16. Morgana

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    Ok, folks. I am here to say there is light at the end of the tunnel, and no, it's not an oncoming train!

    As one of those "Later in life" folks, I'm a parent of four, and grandparent of six. I went through those times when it was difficult (nigh impossible) to find time for myself, while still being what I thought of as a good parent. I learned to cherish naptimes (while they were still young enough to nap), and, while I was the stay-at-home parent, enjoy those quiet hours after they went to sleep.

    Now here I am, the parent (and step-parent) of four great kids. My two stepsons both have good lives, they own their own homes (along with the bank, of course), and my two daughters are both in the process of getting their first homes, too. All the kids are good, hard-working, compassionate people, and I am proud of all of them. Now, in the interests of full disclosure, I've only been involved in my stepsons' lives since they've been adults, but I'm still just as proud of them for their successes.

    So, yes, it's worth it, it's wonderful to get to this point and look back and see that all the work was worth it. It does get better, folks! Honest it does.

    Don't stop taking care of yourselves, too. That's as much for them as it is for yourself. Nobody likes when mom or dad is cranky 'cause they haven't had a minute to themselves for a week. Take that alone time, find someone you trust to watch them for a couple of hours and stay home watching a movie in your pjs (or whatever floats your boat)! It won't hurt them, and will make you a better parent and caregiver in the long run.

    And someday, you'll be like me, looking back and wondering where the time went and marveling at the human beings you raised. And yeah, it is totally worth it!

    Morgana

    PS. Take that, Dan Savage! :thumbsup:
     
    #16 Morgana, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  17. baristajedi

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    Again, more wonderful insight from you guys!!! Afgirl, I promise I'm trying to make a healthy balance, I've got the proper perspective finally, now it's on to how the f* do I do this? But where there's a will there's a way!

    And Katchoo thanks for putting out the bat signal for It gets better, and Morgana thanks for answering the bat signal! Time does fly... I don't want to rush these years. And I also don't want to be a wreck through them.

    Today was a better morning. My daughter was determined to be cranky, but I was just as determined to *not* be cranky in return. We left the house with her threatening to go half naked and me saying, it's all going to be fine, lets just get to nursery and we'll work it all out. By the time we got there she was smiling and I felt good too.

    I also perused some upcoming things I want to do on my own in the next few weeks, so these will be done. And I remembered yesterday, I still haven't cashed in on a spa day my husband got me as a gift. So.... Um that's going to happen soon too. This weekend?
     
    #17 baristajedi, Jun 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2016