Soo.....I came out as bisexual about a year ago to my husband. He is absolutely fine with this and likes to talk about it. It interests him. I think my attraction to women is actually stronger and he knows this as well. Anyway, over the past few weeks he has been feeling down and finally we had a bit of an argument and it turns out that his very high sex drive vs my 'normal' one is causing him to feel depressed when he can't 'do anything about it'. I.e. we are in a challenging living situation waiting for our new house and have the kids around a lot and he can't find time to masturbate alone. Yesterday, chatting out on a walk he was very open with me and it started with... 'I have been role playing on the net with others to try an satisfy it' Ok, not a problem... 'There is literally no fetishes, kinky stuff that doesn't turn me on...' Ok...... 'I am pretty much attracted to anyone and if horny enough I would sleep with women, men, transgender people etc....' Right..... 'I'm not even sure I identify fully as a man, I mean I wouldn't be bothered if I turned into a woman tomorrow' Ok, so what you're telling me (I know I am just labelling it to understand a little) is that you are kind of gender fluid & pansexual? Yeh, I think so. Ok, none of this is a problem. It's just a lot to take in! We have been discussing the idea of an open marriage which interests me in some ways but frightens me in others and can't quite put my finger on why... Anyone else come out then had a partner do the same? Or have any advice...?!
Wow, that is a lot to take in! How do you feel about it? I think, honestly, it makes it kind of fun and exciting for both of you to have things you want to explore in an open relationship if you're seriously considering that path. It might help you just articulate your feelings a bit do you can sort through them, for example - what scares you about an open relationship?
I think the things that worry me are...: 1. Losing sexual trust, at the moment we know we are both clear of anything and no risk of further pregnancies. It is easy and comfortable and it is safe. I worry that despite protecting ourselves, we may introduce something unwanted into our relationship if that makes sense? 2. Our relationship not surviving or struggling under the weight of potential jealousy/someone falling for someone else/someone finding someone else more sexually exciting 3. One of us wanting to be monogamous again but not the other 4. One or both of us realising that we are actually gay...! Whilst this isn't a bad thing, I know that I am more attracted to women so if I sleep with one it may seal it for me. My husband said we could still be together but in this case I worry that if sleeping with a woman comes more naturally to me that it will change everything...
Sounds good on paper. But real life is going to have you go your own path eventually. Why take a rougher longer road that srags out, rather than look at this in a way that this is where the fork in the road takes you on your own paths. You could stay together and be independently gay and be more suppressed because now you can be you, but not while the other is around. Sure, may say otherwise but deep down you know it can't work. You wouldn't have reservations otherwise. Just my opinion. I am just going through a sivorce and my wife ex wife thinks im just curious. She doesn't know I wear her clothes and watch trans videos. I'm also trying to naturally pump up my boobs. She would freak if she knew the extent I went. Just something to think about.
I think I disagree with IamI that you will both go your own ways eventually, so you might as well do it now. There are other bonds between married couples that could make this work and the importance of those bonds can go a long way in integrating your sexual orientation and needs within the marriage. Having doubts, about the sustainability of your marriage, does not mean it is destined for failure. Your fears are real and all of the outcomes you listed are certainly possibilities. But, none of these desires will go away for either one on you and I think your best chance of staying together is to address them head on in as honest a way as you can. That is not to say you should throw caution to the wind either. Take your time and explore, with each other, your feelings and fantasies. Reaffirming your commitment to each other, on an ongoing basis, is important. Take my opinion FWIW...someone who is navigating a mixed orientation marriage; and does not have it figured out either.
That's cool. It was just a thought. We had thought about staying together through this and working on it, but we just decided to go our own ways and still be bffs. We were bffs before we got married. We get along much better now. We are still living together until we sell the house, and things couldn't be going any better. We both know this is short lived though. I want to keep being me like I am when she isnt around. If she was around and knew everything I did, I still wouldn't be able to fully be me.
If I may, I'll add a few more courses to your food for thought. It is entirely possible to be in a relationship where one person is poly, and the other is monogamous. I've been doing it for several years now. In our marriage, we each made choices. I have been polyamorous for years, before I was married to my current wife. She chooses to be monogamous with me. Note: I do not demand it of her; I don't do double standards (i.e., "I can date, but you have to be utterly faithful to me.") If she ever decides to have a relationship or a fling outside of our marriage, she is free to do so with my blessing. We have boundaries in our marriage, some of which apply to outside relationships, and some of which are just part of our life together. For example, on the few occasions when I'm intimate with someone else, it is safe sex only, unless verifiable proof of a clean STD test is mutually provided. I am never to be intimate with someone in our home. I have to always close the kitchen cabinets after I'm done. (Yes, that last one is a real boundary, and quite possibly the one I have the most trouble with :dry It requires a lot of communication, and for us, it required some counseling for us to learn to better speak with each other. I agree completely with NickW on the need for cautious exploration, communication and affirming your commitment to each other. Hope this helps, Morgana
