The short version of me is Im a 46 year old female with 3 grown up boys and a ex husband who I left in 2000...I only came out officially to everyone about 2 years ago....I didnt really understand myself for years and my thoughts and sometimes behaviour until I started really digging deep and confronting my thoughts!! Anyway...so thats a super short glimpse....what I have noticed about myself since coming out is the way I have finally given myself a break and given me permission to embrace my inner "tomboy". Now I have accepted and identified that I actually have been lesbian all my life, its all falling into place!! Hair cut short...dress style changes..jewelery...everything has changed....So...clothes shopping...hated buying girly stuff...always leaned to more masculine things but while married etc felt I had to be a certain way and that of course was the role of a mum and wife so dressing in boys boxer shorts for bed and wanting to wear a waistcoat and drop crutch pants and learn how to put a mans tie prob wasnt so acceptable!!! I did get away with some tomboy behaviour during this time and managed to get involved with a race car club and race my own fully worked 280Z...my husband was a mechanic so this was a little easier! But I still had the long blonde hair and used my girliness when I needed to! Some days I would get out of bed and get in my car and feel like a boy...cant really explain this but I used to think.."today I have my boys eyes on"...seeing through boys eyes I used to tell myself. I used to have to keep this part of my personality under control and hide it away once around the guys again so I didnt act to butch! So now I freely buy boys or mens clothes if its something that I like...if its a little too big then I get it altered to fit me....I now have a great little collection of mens suit waistcoats that I wear "ellen style" over long singlets and drop crutch pants or jeans with my converse shoes! I personally love that look and find myself drawn to arguyle sleevless tank tops for the winter and mens long sleeved shirts. I have both forarms fully tattooed so always have either sleeves rolled up or sleeveless...my flatmate calls these outfits "my rig" lol. My kids have no problem with me or the way I dress even though when Im out I often get mistaken as a boy with my short hair and ink and I weight train so am more masculine than most women...then they see my fake boobs under my singlet(had done years ago) and realise im a girl! Its more awkward for them! I find myself searching in my memory bank for the first signs of being lesbian ( i prefer the term gay)and I guess I was about 7 yrs old when I realised I felt happier and myself in jeans and a tee shirt. By 12 I was looking through those boys eyes more often...looking at girls all the time but I guess not aware of what was going on....just thought they were crushes (that you kept secret) or that the girl crush was just so cool thats why I liked her! I actually did not tie my thoughts and some behaviour together and work out that I actually was attracted to girls! All my life I have had so many crushes on dif girls...at school, at dif work places, in shops and bars...just didnt investigate it further in my head. Just felt an attraction and an "urge" to be round them...used to love playing role reverse type games when I was about 8-10 yrs...funny but its not so acceptable to play those games when you get to high school, as I found out at a friends one day after school!!When I was asked what shall we do now....i replied by trying to gently describe the role reverse game I played right through my later years at primary school....my friend displayed some odd reactions to my suggestion and it was dismissed. Thats when I realised that some things are better kept a secret!! So I moved on and had a colourful teenage journey full of sex, drugs and finally a preganancy at the age of 15. I was 16 years old by the time my son was born...the father 9 years my senior...a military policeman...not a good start!! Anyway the point im trying to make is that I ran helterskelter throughout my life...I think had I actually identified that the problem was actually not recognising and connecting to who I was inside...things would have been very different! However Im happy that I am who I am today and my colourful life has made me into a fairly well adjusted human being that I can live with!! To be continued.....Ms Elliot x
