Any tips on how to not sound desperate when you (finally) start meeting other gay people? I am really scouting out any contacts I have who are gay, and I've found a couple. I hadn't seen them in a long time, but I'm keen on trying to reconnect. I figure even if we aren't well acquainted anymore, it's got to be no worse than trying to connect with some random person who I meet through an app, right? Anyway, I get really excited reaching out to them, more excited when they respond and actually converse, but then I feel like I've been abandoned when they stop and just disappear (this has happened a couple of times). I want to try to get the to reengage, but they don't. I understand that this isn't necessarily 100% my fault, but I'm both trying to learn something from the misconnections themselves and to learn how to not sound needy or desperate when things go awry. Any advice?
What do you mean by 'sounding desperate or needy'? Sometimes I think I sound or act desperate when engaging with friends. But later on I realize I am just mad that my friends are not making as much effort as I do, i.e. I am angry that they do not need me as much as I need them. Could that be similar in your case?
When communicating, always focus on the person your communicating with rather than on yourself. Be a great listener, even if you need to bite your tongue sometimes. Don't be afraid of silence.
This sounds like me. I really want to be best buddies RIGHT NOW, without stopping to think that that might be unrealistic. It is frustrating. And even best friends don't stay in constant contact. It's just frustrating for some reason; I wish I knew why. Also, for the record, I'm not always a downer; I just tend to post about the things that I have trouble figuring out on my own.
It's best to be unattached to the outcome. Say "Hi"… flirt, be friendly, & then let go. Cuz when you're needy, you push people away. It makes you less desirable. Many times I've let go in these situations … go off line, have sex w yourself, don't log on for a day or two … & when I get back, there's a msg from the guy, continuing our dialog.
I'm starting to wonder if at least part of this has to do with isolating myself before. Before I started coming out, I desperately kept people at a distance; I didn't want to be known, probably because I didn't want to know myself. But now, I do acknowledge who I am, and I'm not (as) ashamed anymore. It's like this other primal urge, the urge to connect with others, is finally revealing itself after decades of repression. And I want to go full tilt. Not with sexual conquests, mind you, but with a large collection of friends. What to do now...? It's more a rhetorical question than anything. I'm sure that by starting to reach out to others, I'm already doing the right thing.
Crazydog15 I don't know if this is applicable. But, I was very introverted when I was a kid. I finally asked my mom why no one liked me. Her response was pretty simple "how do you know?". I couldn't answer that. So, I began engaging anybody, anywhere, about anything. I still strike up a conversation with strangers all the time. I have no expectations that I will make friends when I do this. I just try and live in the moment with those interchanges. Guess what...you do find friends that way as a bonus. I still have problems (the little boy remains) forcing myself to do this sometimes. But, it is worth it. The other day, I was talking to some older woman in the grocery store about some song on the loud speaker...we both agreed it was a great dance song. So, well...we danced a little. On its own this was rewarding and these interchanges teache me to let my guard down a little more...a result of my recent coming out I think.
Maybe. That sounds similar to my experience. But I also know people who have been very social their whole lives and still feel the same way you do. I think partly it has to do with the way you view friendship. I am old-schooled and if I am close to someone, I want to be their friend for life. Of course there are many others who view friendship as a time killer and will stop being friends when it is no longer convenient or fun for them. It takes a lot of trials and errors but eventually you will probably find people who share a similar view with you and are willing to put some effort into the friendship.
