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Why does it feel like I'm choosing sex?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CameOutSwinging, Jun 1, 2016.

  1. CameOutSwinging

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    This is the question that was plaguing me all day yesterday. And as my best friend and I sat up late into the night, having moved into our new apartment, talking about life and all its mysteries. His boyfriend messaged to ask how I was doing and he told him "so not good." So I asked what that meant, and it led us into talking about what's on my mind.

    Basically, I still feel at a stage where my brain mostly connects men with sex. And not love and romance. So when I'm choosing to leave the girl that I'm with and start dating men, it feels like my main reason for doing this is so I can have sex with men. And the thing is, it doesn't feel wrong to want to have sex with guys or even act on it, but it feels wrong to choose sex with guys over anything else.

    Logically I get that I'm likely capable of being romantically interested in a guy. It's happened twice in my life, rare as that may make it seem. But I can't quite get over the hump of thinking that it's just me choosing sex again.

    I don't know why I'm having such a hard time overcoming this aspect. I think it's the thing keeping me from fully letting go of the girl, and giving in to being "gay" as it were. That I'm worried I'm just making a choice to have more sex with men, and that ultimately it won't give me the happiness I really want.

    Blah.
     
  2. Tomás1

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    COS … Hi …
    The "why" question seldom yields answers that are satisfying. You can get answers, but it's just mind talk. More productive is to figure out what you want, & go for that.

    As men, we can be sex focused. However like candy, I think it's best to have a little bit, & not consume it til you're sick.

    Have you considered going to the gym, a bike ride, or a 2 minute cold shower?

    What is "the happiness you really want"? Go for that.
     
  3. Nickw

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    Hey Cos

    I wonder if you keep trying sex and hoping it is something different? Then when it isn't you are disappointed. It is natural to want sex...sort of the point with sex drive. However, most of us evolve to needing a more fulfilling connection.

    I almost destroyed a marriage over my sexual urges. So, I get how completely overwhelming they can get and I am not sure what the solution is. Right now, I am still obsessing over finding a guy to have sex with even while working on intimacy issues with my wife. So, I know that once you get in that mode it is hard to get out of it. Especially if you can be a bit obsessive as I am.

    Beingdude's suggestion of finding a distraction might be good. It works for me. An injury prevented me from doing my usual heavy exercise routine. I am getting it back and find I obsess less.

    You need a good heterosexual boyfriend...not kidding. Bond with a dude where there is not a chance of sex (no fantasies either tsk tsk). Then expand these skills...look for the same thing in a lover. Just a thought.
     
  4. CameOutSwinging

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    I don't like the aspect of your suggestion that sounds like its just trying to suppress my desires via other activities. I already go to the gym 5 days a week, but the rest sounds like "oh you want to have sex with a guy? Cold shower instead!" It almost feels like punishment for something that there's nothing actually wrong with.

    Not being defensive, just saying that part feels wrong to me. Like denying my sexuality, which I don't want to do anymore.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jun 2016 at 06:37 AM ----------

    I actually have a number of close heterosexual male friends now. That wasn't the case even a few years ago, but now I have a best friend who is like a brother to me, and a bunch of close guy friends from boxing. I actually thinking bonding with these guys are part of what has allowed me to open up more to thinking I could be romantic with a guy. It's a total change from how I used to only be able to make friendships with girls for most of my life. I do very much accept that guys aren't "just" for sex now, like I'm pretty sure I used to think.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Cos

    It sounds like maybe you just need to give it some time then. You did just come out a relationship where your sexual orientation may have been a large reason why you were not satisfied.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jun 2016 at 07:10 AM ----------

    Cos

    I just read your post responding to Baristajedi. Hmmm. Seems like you may have it figured out after all.
     
    #5 Nickw, Jun 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2016
  6. smurf

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    What if you were just leaving a girl to "just" have sex?

    Sex is very important for some people. It makes a human connection that people crave. Many straight marriages get broken over incompatible sex drives.

    Doing it "just" for sex isn't the worse reason.

    As to why you associate men with sex, that isn't anyone fault. The only way that humans learn about relationships and romance is through culture. You have been taught how to be in a straight relationship through movies, stories, seeing strangers out and about, etc. You haven't had the same experience with LGBT relationships.

    The mind can't imagine what it doesn't see. That's why representation in the media is so important.

    That being said, most people don't come out simply to just have sex. Sex just symbolizes every single urge that you have kept undergraps. Its like the epitome of every single thing that you had hidden and controlled since you knew you had to.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    1- like smurf said, sex is important. It's not a minor part of life.

    2- how will you know if you're able to emotionally connect to men until you try? So I argue, you're choosing taking a risk, being vulnerable, to learn about you. That's worth quite a lot.
     
  8. CameOutSwinging

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    The whole men=sex connection was something my therapist and I started to explore before I stopped going. I'm looking into going back and that's a big part of why. You're right though. What's funny is I think I actually grew up around more gay/lesbian couples than most people do. My aunts who pretty much raised me are a lesbian couple, and all of their friends more or less are gay or lesbian and in relationships. This has been true since I was a kid. Yet, none of those couples ever really were outwardly affectionate towards each other. At least, not in my presence. To this day, I've never seen my aunts kiss and only once saw them hold hands (when they didn't think I was looking). Maybe it's part of why gay culture doesn't bother me, and even the idea of gay is whatever to me, but trying to wrap my head around the non-sexual stuff is so new.

    ---------- Post added 1st Jun 2016 at 10:08 AM ----------

    I wonder if my relationship with my wife is part of why I feel so guilty about sex. Because I genuinely feel like I now put too much importance on it, and maybe I don't. Maybe I put a normal amount of importance on it. The thing is, at this point, I don't even know that I think there's such a thing as saving our sex life. I don't trust that she wants to be with me sexually. It was almost easier when I thought she just needed to see a doctor because of depression or some other imbalance. When she revealed that we weren't having much sex because she just didn't want to with me, it changed a lot. How could I ever trust that our sex lives won't go back to where it was? And factually, when it is like that, my desire for men is even stronger.

    You're right about not knowing until I try too. Here comes the guilt about having to break her heart to go and try. But yeah. Ugh.

    My friend pointed out to me before and he's probably right - instead of focusing so much on my sexuality, I should focus on why she just wasn't making me happy. It's okay to end a relationship if the other person just isn't making you happy.
     
  9. Teach1

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    These feelings are feelings I have experienced . I am glad that you posted your conundrum, because it is one that I relate to very much. I think there is good advice here. Thanks for sharing this.
     
  10. TravelerMe

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    COS I felt the same way. Maybe I put the cart before the horse but for me I felt I needed the sexual experience to be sure. So initially I looked for sex and while that was fun and all I ended up finding deeper romantic and non-sexual intimacy with men that I fell for to some degree. That feeling is like no other and its now what drives me to be the authentic me someday. When you test the waters sexually I imagine you'll feel for men on some intimate romantic level that's not sexual afterward.
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    I second this view, as it was my perception initially in similar form. What I did not plan on, was the massive emotional connection that just fell in my lap when I met my Fiance. Sometimes, you just need to roll the dice and see what numbers hit.
     
    #11 OnTheHighway, Jun 1, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2016
  12. Tomás1

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    I like your last comment "roll the dice & see what happens". Altho I'm not real clear on what the issue is … my intuitive response to the thread is that sex is not always easy to figure out, our behavior & desires can change, and in sex - the body leads, not the mind.

    I am curious, as a bisexual man, regarding your leaving your fiancé & becoming gay. Are you still attracted to women? Are any of your choices motivated by sex … knowing that it's easier to find men for sex than women?
     
  13. CameOutSwinging

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    I've rarely, if ever, been attracted to women. The only time in my life I can remember actually being attracted to a woman is, interestingly enough, my wife. But that came at a time where I was recently single (dumped by another girl, who I was with for 7 years) and very focused on meeting a new woman to date. I went out with a few other girls and had zero physical attraction to them (didn't kiss or anything after the first dates). But I was attracted to my wife, though that has faded to pretty much nothing now.

    I've pretty much never seen a girl and thought "she's so hot, I want to get her into bed" or whatever most guys think. I've always found it easy to become emotionally invested in women, and my mind has always connected that to meaning I should date them.

    My attraction to men has always been strong, from the time I was a pre-teen. I took it as curiosity for awhile, and eventually just full on embraced the sexual fantasies and desires to do things with guys. But never thought that made me gay or anything. It was just sex, didn't seem like a big deal.

    I'm not sure if I'm gay, but I'm positive that my interest in men greatly outweighs my interest in women. So I don't know that I can label it "becoming gay." Especially since this is the way I've always been. I'm just opening myself up to the potential for what it means now.

    I will say, since you mentioned it, one bold-faced lie I told myself for a long time, and sadly told my wife too when she first found out I was bi, is that I was only sleeping with men because it was easier to find guys than girls to have sex with. That doesn't even really make sense! If it did, all the straight guys would be hooking up with each other. You only have sex with guys, especially at the rate that I have had it, because you're interested in guys and want to be with them physically. But I did tell myself that it was just easier, and I did tell my wife that I thought that and that I could give it up. I'm sure I believed it at the time, when I felt like my first relationship ended because of my interest in men and felt desperate to not let that interest get in the way of my next relationship or potential for finding happiness.

    I shouldn't have fought it.
     
  14. dirtyshirt84

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    Sorry if I sound like a therapist but do you think it's just a habit you have got into - equating men with sex - as that is what you've always done? Maybe if you didn't have many close male relatives/guys you were close to growing up and you were brought up by women it maybe makes sense that you find it easier to connect emotionally and form relationships with women?

    I'm sure once you meet the right guy - one that you do have an emotional connection with - it will happen naturally if you let yourself be open to it?
     
  15. CameOutSwinging

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    Oh I 10000% think you've hit the nail on the head. My actual therapist said as much too, back when I was seeing him.

    I also think since this is a time in my life where I'm actually making male friendships and bonds, it is suddenly opening my eyes to being more accepting of the idea that I can be close with guys. Definitely new ground in my life.
     
  16. OGS

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    The things is it seems to me that it's really common for gay people, especially gay people who don't come out very early in life, to equate it almost entirely with sex. I thought I was bi for quite sometime. Had the terminology been available I might well have considered myself bisexual, heteroromantic. I had relationships with women and then I did this nasty selfish thing on the side, which was just about sex and was shameful. I know a lot of gay guys where it worked pretty much exactly that way before they came out. Both sex and romance are socially constructed but, let's face it, romance is a lot more socially constructed. In the end it's much easier to fool your mind than it is to fool your body, so the urges come out even if you refuse to integrate them into your notion of who you are. All of which makes it really easy to feel like maybe if you just took more cold showers...

    But as long as you do that it will be "just sex". For me literally all it took was one kiss from a guy that I had formed a close bond with for the whole house of cards to fall apart. My legs literally gave out and by the time I got up I knew I was gay. Within a couple of weeks all the feelings I had had for women--and I had a pretty extensive dating life--fell away like they had never been there to begin with. Not saying it'll happen that way for you, but I think you owe it to yourself to give it a shot.
     
  17. This post hit me like a ton of bricks. I am literally shaking and trembling as I write. I am so scared of the emotions coming out of me. Is it just some thrill seeking emotion?

    My heart is beating so fast. I just feel like I want this to happen to me, but I am so scared of it happening .