First off, I want to say Thank you for this forum! I am very alone in this discussion with myself, and I appreciate that there are others out there who might listen and maybe have shared experience. So, when when it comes to thinking about my gender, this is something that I don’t think that I have ever really done. In social media I am hearing words like ‘gender fluid’ and ‘agender’. I was born into a female body and have always self-identified as female, and I am ok with that. But I also have a distain for this gender, likely because society views them as the weaker sex and treats them as such. I have always bristled against trends of femininity and traditionally female roles. That said, I find very strong women so incredibly beautiful and attractive. My body is fairly androgynous, which I like. But the bottom line is that I am a cis-female. Regarding my sexual orientation, I have never really questioned this either. I am attracted to males and females equally, although have never called myself bisexual (or homosexual or heterosexual). I find female bodies more beautiful then male ones, but that’s because they are . I’ve been in more relationships with men, probably because it’s easier in our society. I am definitely attracted to gay men, and have actually been with a couple men who identify as gay intimately. I wonder if this attraction is because I don't see them as a sexual threat (given that I'm a woman) compared to straight men. I find trans people, both men and women, very attractive, and I think that is because of their incredible strength. Growing up I had numerous female lovers and never thought anything of it in terms of the need to label myself. I knew I wasn't a lesbian because I also liked men. I was a part of lgbt groups in university, went to pride parades, frequented gay bars and strip clubs, but never self-identified as anything other than myself (implied heterosexual). If only I had known the term pan-sexual... I think that it would have opened up my world more. I think that is truly what my sexual orientation is: basically a focus on the individual regardless of their gender. I never wanted to procreate. The idea of growing a baby within my body is absolutely unappealing to me. I have worked very hard at never getting pregnant. It might drive me crazy if I ever was. Also, although in my job I support new moms and offer breast feeding support, the truth is that the idea of a child sucking on my own breasts freaks the crap out of me. I am thankful that I have never had a biological baby. But, now for the surprise… I am actually an adoptive mom to 5 young children. I love being a parent, and hope that I am a good one. I have been with my husband for 15 years. He is wonderful and kind. I love him very much. He is a great dad. He wonders sometimes (all the time) why I don’t want to have sex as much as he does. I have no idea. I don’t love sex. But I do love him. So, at the end of all this, why I am here? I have no idea. Who cares if at almost 40 years old I realize that I am pansexual? Honestly, who cares? I chose the person that I am with. He fits within who I need and want for a life partner. I don't know why I am even thinking about labelling myself after all these years. Is there any point at all in 'coming out' as pansexual at this point? It's not like it will change anything. And yet, I feel sad, like maybe it would change something... like maybe it would be me finally acknowledging something about myself that I have never ever faced. Anyway, thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
Thank you for choosing here to come out. In my opinion, I think that you could speak to your husband about it and see how he is with the idea. You already know what you want to do. Look inside yourself and see if this would make you more happier. Because if it does then by all means dear come out. There is no required age that you can't be to come out. Please keep posting on what you decide to do.(*hug*)
Hi Lizz. The answer is (for me), yes! My situation is similar to yours. I am 48, always been bisexual, am happily married (for 15 years), have two children. I had been debating coming out as bi for years. I have finally done it (within the past few weeks). I'm still in the process, still not out to extended family or work. Also, I identify as bi because back when I was a college freshman and I read up on human sexuality in the university library (actual paper books, this was 1986, LOL), "bisexuality" fit me and described my same-sex and opposite sex attractions well. In reality, I find transgender people attractive, so perhaps pan could apply. Regardless, I'm bi, and not looking for new partners (I know that is right for some people, just not for me). So... why come out? It has been an enormously rewarding experience. As much as I considered myself pro-LGBT, to now actually be identified as such by friends is actually life-changing. The biggest difference, once you get past the actual event of "coming out", is the way people react, and how your relationships can change. I am 10x closer with my guitarist now that I'm out, even though he is straight. He is from a small town in rural central Illinois, and he doesn't have any other LGBT people in his life. To tell the truth, I was afraid beforehand that either he would hate me, or the band would fire me. Well, they didn't fire me, and he has been super supportive. Similar surprising result with the Dad of one of our singers, I'm just blown away how cool he's been. So there's that. Plus, I've found meaningful involvement with my local LGBT Center. I volunteered to help set up our PrideFest last week. It was really rewarding being "out" and meeting new people, doing a shift (we hung banners on city bus shelters, of all things), and taking in PrideFest as an out bisexual. And... it's rewarding knowing that I am in people's lives as an LGBT person, I feel like I am doing good in being a good guy who happens to be bi, too. It's not for everyone. I wouldn't recommend it if it isn't safe due to possible workplace reprisals, or safety at home. It also takes a supportive spouse. My wife has been wonderful. She was ready for me to be out before I was. Make sure you listen to their concerns and address them. My wife was most concerned that people didn't think our marriage was having problems, or that I was looking for other partners, so I have stressed that when coming out to people. It can be a rewarding, life-changing experience. So, in a word, yes!
Lizz Adray and Rachyl make wonderful points. Just being on EC and asking the question makes it seem to me that you want to do this. The one thing I am going to say and if you read some of my posts I say it to everyone, seek out a therapist who is in tune with LGBT issues. Talk to them. They can and will help you in your walk down the road of life
