Sometimes I feel like I get offended too easily

So, sometimes, I feel like I should be able to let little bitty things role off, but I find it difficult. I want to write about one of those little things. I have refrained from talking about this with my IRL friends, because it just feels gossipy, and I don't want it to sound like I want my friends to take sides in my pettiness. But, I just want to get this off my chest and mind.

I had a really lovely conversation with my friend S last night, for like an hour and a half. It was mostly great. She asked about how things are going post coming out with my family, and we talked about pros and cons of online dating, all that kind of thing.

At one point, I was talking about my mom's statements about "disappointment". Mom says that family want me to have a family, and me coming out is disappointing because they don't think that will happen. I relayed to S that I told mom, I have tried dating men for a long time, and it doesn't work for me, so by me being honest about who I like, I'm actually MORE likely to find a relationship and have a family. Mom listened to that, seemed to be thoughtful. In the conversation with S, I forget exactly what she said, but it included the phrase "...you have ostensibly tried dating men..." I felt like she was calling me a liar. Like, maybe that I have known her for years and just now came out about being mostly gay could also say something about me being pretty private around my dating practices historically?? It feels like she was saying she knows eeeeverything there is to know about my dating history and calling me a liar. Like, are you saying I didn't try hard enough? That my standard of what trying super hard to date men and "be straight" was not something that measures up with your standard? I've ground fractures in my teeth looking at men's profiles on dating sites for years. I was involved in an "ex gay" type online ministry for over 6 years including getting on planes for 6 events, trying to support myself in the (stupid?) goals that I had at the time. I've completely pulled out my eyebrows before dates on multiple occasions. I've had sexual encounters that I deeply regret, including one that I probably could have pressed charges for. I have tried dating men. It did not work for me. Do not tell me that my experience is "ostensible". Don't you dare disbelieve and invalidate my experience. I may not have gone on as many OK Cupid dates as you, but my experience was enough.

..... Did I just have a giant rant to simply say, "You don't know me?" Blarg.

I feel like it is disrespectful for my friend to disbelieve and undercut what I say is true about my experience. She literally does not have enough information to even know what she's saying. I wish she would just believe me instead of implying that either I'm lying or implying that I'm deluded about my experience or implying that I am somehow not trust worthy.

 

Well, I don't think she would say I *should* have tried with men. I was just relaying that I had explained to mom that I have, because I thought it would help my mom to hear that. But, in telling the story, it felt like S was saying I was lying to my mom or lying to myself or otherwise being untrustworthy. I guess I'm more offended to not be believed than to not be believed about this particular topic. I'm just probably more sensitive, because, topic.

 

I didn't tell her how it made me feel. Really, when she said it, I was offended, and then I questioned my grasp on the English language, and I needed to check the internet for the exact definition of "ostensibly" lol.

When I was first coming out to friends, I had this vague fear of telling S. I thought maybe she would judge me for staying in the closet so long or for having this crazy religious history. She has had several incidents of saying "small" offensive things. Small to some people and big and bad to me. Two of the times left me ugly crying and struggling with desire for self-injury after the conversation when she went home. She gives the impression that she knows how I *should* be feeling or thinking or doing about ***my*** coming out process. (Pressuring me to IMMEDIATELY tell work supervisors when I told her and had only been out to any close friends for like 2 days, pressuring me to tell a coworker whom I don't trust, pressuring me to tell our whole office when I'd only been out to my closest friends like a week, making it sound like coming out to family is no big deal or something I hurry up with despite never having come out to her own parents as bi, giving the impression that I'm making too big of a deal out of this whole thing like I should not have such intense feels and just tell every friend and coworker and family member right now.) She's simultaneously a good, helpful friend and a strangely offensive and undercutting friend. She is completely both. I'm not sure what to do with that.

You know, really, that paragraph is a thing worth talking to an IRL friend about, who could help me understand and adjust and maybe confront her.

I am avoiding some work paperwork and avoiding sleep very hard. I've been watching this youtube playlist of Dan Savage's American Savage stuff for hours. It's good stuff, but why am I avoiding sleep so hard. I think I just want to skip Friday and go directly to the weekend.

 

Yes! This!

---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2016 at 01:15 PM ----------

Thank you! This helps me feel less crazy.