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Cutting a family member out of your life and the mixed feelings that go with it.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jun 3, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Guys,

    A sad thing is happening and I'm really torn up about it. I had to make the hard decision to cut a family member from my life.

    This isn't related to my being queer or anything like that, but I do feel that there is some crossover in my need to have positive people in my life and my sense of current confidence, much of it coming from this journey.

    It's a really long story. And I'm happy to unfold it through this thread but I just wanted to post an initial post to say, I'm really sad about this, for a lot of reasons. But I think it's the right thing for me.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    At the end of the day, you need to do what feels right to you. You probably will have an initial period of grieving, which is completely normal. Most likely some guilt as well. But you need to remind yourself why you have made the decision and appreciate how your decision will benefit your life.

    Good Luck!
     
  3. baristajedi

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    Thanks for your support.

    It's the worst time, really the worst, and I feel like I'm abandoning him because he's going through a really painful time, but there's a really long history there, and he won't let me be supportive, he just keeps lashing out and dumping garbage on me when I try to be there.

    I've only ever told one other person that I'm cutting them out of my life, this is a really sad feeling to me to have to do this.

    This was part of my message to him:

    Don't bother to respond. I won't see your messages. I'm deleting you from my messenger and FB. I don't want to hear from you anymore until you have kind words to say. You'll figure out how to reach me if you want to. I'm making no effort to be kind or supportive to you anymore. I'll be in touch with your mom. I can't care about you anymore, I don't have room for this crap in my life.

    I'll let you figure out for yourself how you've managed to lose support from the family member in your life who probably has more patience than anyone else.

    Figure out your bullshit, find me when your presence in my life is kind and loving versus hostile and angry.
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    good for you. People like that will continue to manipulate and take advantage of you unless you put your foot down and be consistent to keep it down.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    Unfortunately, there are people who need this wake-up call in their lives.

    My ex-mother-in-law, who was always OK with me, personally (principally because I could see through her BS), had a bit of a nasty reputation with her own family (constant negativity, combined with a mean streak of biblical proportions). A few years ago, she was finally dis-invited to her niece's wedding, they cut her out of their lives in order to keep that black energy from ruining their celebration.

    That took guts, and I'm pretty sure she still isn't speaking to that side of the family, probably from extreme embarrassment.
     
    #5 greatwhale, Jun 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2016
  6. baristajedi

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    I hope it's a wake up call, and that he starts to learn to become a happier person. He's raging at all of us, telling us all were not supportive to him or his mom, when all of his and her life, we've all extended ourselves so much, even to the detriment of ourselves.

    I'm not going to do that with him. I'm not going to go down that rabbit hole. If he wants to take over where his mum left off and leave wreckage everywhere he goes, then I'm not going to stick my neck out for him and be his punching bag in the process.

    I'm really sad, really sad, his mom's sick, she's not going to make it. But no matter what I do, he will not let me be supportive to him. I tell him, I'll be here for you, but I don't want to fight about our parents' relationship, nor do I agree with your side of the story. Let's just put that aside and think about your mom. But he just dumps all his pain on me and blames me and my family for it all.

    I don't need that in my life. I just don't.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Talking to a few family members, they're all feeling similarly. And my family are kind, loving, patient, giving people. My dad built a room in our house for my aunt to live in when my cousin was a baby, because she had nowhere to go, and she brought drug dealers and other just random creepy men home with her. (Where we were all living, me and my siblings)

    My mom, my whole life, has opened our home to people who needed a place to stay, no questions asked, including my aunt just 10 years ago. What did she do? She stole from my mom, took money out of her bank account.

    My cousin's temper and hostility has been mounting over the years and my family are all like yeah, we'd like to be there for him, but you can only do so much.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Jun 2016 at 05:06 AM ----------

    It makes me sad because I know he feels alone, but I can't help him anymore.
     
    #7 baristajedi, Jun 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2016
  8. 1Tiny0wl

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    I feel for you. My younger brother is that way with my family. Over the years he has gotten into a lot of trouble and numerous family members (including myself) have offered him help. He talks badly about us and says no one is there for him, we don t love him etc... there is only so much you can take of that. I told him recently that I love him, wish him the best with his life but if he continued to treat me badly I didn't want him around. So I suppose I will just sit here and love him from a distance.
     
  9. Morgana

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    Sometimes, as much as we want to save the world, the world has to want to be saved. I had to cut my sister out of my life because of her constant .. well.. I guess shitty attitude is the best word. She's the kind of person who thinks it shows love to tell someone they are fat, or look like hell. Toxic honesty is a good term for it. At one point, many years ago, when she found out I'm Wiccan, she threatened to try to take my daughters from me if I ever, "started teaching them that shit." And she insisted she was doing it out of love. Spare me from that kind of love, please.

    So yeah, hon, I understand how it feels to extend an olive branch and pull back a mauled little stub of wood. You are doing the right thing. If he changes, all well and good, and you can be there for him then.

    In the meantime, keep him in your thoughts, send some good will his way from time to time, but don't open yourself up to the hurt again.

    Hugs,

    Morgana
     
  10. PatrickUK

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    You can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family, BUT, you can choose how much contact you have with members of your family.

    Sometimes family members can hurt us in ways that nobody else can and it is necessary to cut them out of our lives. It's not easy and it requires a steely determination to not turn back, but if the decision allows you to move on and regain control and happiness, it's the right thing to do.
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    You can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family, BUT, you can choose how much contact you have with members of your family.

    Sometimes family members can hurt us in ways that nobody else can and it is necessary to cut them out of our lives. It's not easy and it requires a steely determination to not turn back, but if the decision allows you to move on and regain control and happiness, it's the right thing to do.
     
  12. baristajedi

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    Thanks for all of your support guys, and thanks for sharing your stories too.

    I feel like I just want him to be happy, and I hate having to be a hard ass. But I can't put my energy into all this negativity. I feel like he's always thought his life would be shit and it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Somehow, it's all my mother's fault in his mind. And he hates us all for having a warm loving home. His mom has always struggled since childhood... with what exactly I'm not sure. My grandparents provided her a good home, so much love. They were the most kind, loving people in the world. Shd had reasons for being in pain, stuff I have spent a lot of time trying to understand, she was adopted at 2, and I always wonder what the conditions were. When I think about how well aware my daughter was at 2, I just wonder how much of her early life was painful? It's my best guess as to why she always pushed everyone's love away. And my cousin has always been angry, volatile, unhappy. But it was only when he was in his early 20s, maybe mid twenties that things started going off the rails.

    Anyway, I don't know what to do st this point. He's always been welcomed into everyone's home. Everyone offered him a chance to improve his life, help him with college, etc. He doesn't want it.

    So I suppose, I just can't do much anymore.
     
    #12 baristajedi, Jun 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2016
  13. FalconBlueSky00

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    That is so hard. It can be like amputating a piece of you so that you can live healthy. I wish you didn't have to go through it.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    Thanks Bunny. He's my "twin cousin". Growing up I had a cousin my same age on my mom's side, and one on my dad's side. He's the one on my mom's side. We were always really close growing up. I remember the day I really understood that his life was going the wrong direction. See - he grew up with an alcoholic stepdad (he came into my cousin's life around 7), and one thing my cousin, J, was adamant about was that he wasn't going to touch drugs or alcohol. To me drugs (like marijuana) and alcohol were always something I could experiment or dabble in, like most teens/young adults, but my cousin had an instinct that it wouldn't be this way for him.

    About 12-13 years ago, I went for a visit, we spent the whole day and night together, walked all through the town, took the mile walk to the dairy/ice cream parlour that we always did growing up (this is a tiny country town), and chatted, laughed, basically reconnected to all the fun we had growing up. He asked me to stay the night, and we had some drinks. Stayed up all night talking. And I remembered that he had made a promise to himself he would never drink, but I shrugged it off, because this was completely normal, two mid-twenty year olds having a few drinks. But then he started telling me all about how alcohol was starting to become an issue in his life, and he felt like he wasn't going to be able to get himself out of the hole he was falling into. And, sure enough, he's had problems with drugs and alcohol most of his adult life. :frowning2: It makes me so sad. I wish that things could be different.

    My dad, even though he's been divorced from my mom for like 30 years, has stayed in J's life, and tried to help him find his way. Nothing seems to help.
     
    #14 baristajedi, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  15. FalconBlueSky00

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    My Uncle fell off like that. He got addicted to drugs after a major car accident in the 70s. My dad says he's never been the same, and at one time he was a decent human. I've seen glimpses of the person he could have been when he's managed to stay clean for a couple of days. It's very sad he's hurting himself and everyone around him. It seems like there should be something you can do to help a person who's destroying themselves, but if the answer is out there I haven't found it yet. Hugs.