Losing control of my shroud

Yes absolutely. Once I accepted who I was the barrier between my hidden life and the life I presented to others eroded quickly.

 

Your second adolescence is starting (!) :thewave: (!) (!!)

 

The crazy thing to find out is, it doesn't protect you, it keeps you down.
I am not saying you have to give an unsolicited announcement of your sexuality to everyone, but when you start to be honest with yourself, then you start to realize the shroud is fear.
You're not losing control of it, it's losing control of you

 

I'm going through this a bit now too. I had sort of an agreement with my gay side. I could hide it and it didn't really affect anything. This was so not true. After coming out to my wife, I am finding a playfulness that has been missing for years.

One day I am dancing with an little old lady in the grocery store. The next time playing watermelon bongo with a produce stocker (watermelons have different tones BTW). Yesterday I was openly enjoying a young guy dancing down the street a job site...no worries or hiding my fun side.

As a young man...20's and 30's, I was a very outgoing guy. Somehow, hiding parts of myself, I started hiding a lot of myself. I became a bit dreary I am afraid.

I am not announcing anything about my sexuality, just not protecting it. So freeing.

 

You make it sound and look so FUN!

 

By the "shroud" I surmise you're referring to your self image, your concept of yourself, & how you think about yourself. You refer to this shroud as surrounding & protecting you. That as you lose control of it, you accept "me" as gay.

I sense the shroud was the image "I'm not gay".

Any self concept can be limiting. Even "gay". Self concepts are illusory. Whatever they be, "gay, straight, bi, extrocerted, introverted, rich, poor, well integrated, mal adjusted, etc" … act as a buffer between us & reality. I thing the fewer self concepts we have, the more transparent we are, the less isolated, & the more healthy we are.

 

You know it. Each day I feel it slipping away more and more. The thing is, I don't care. Deep down I really don't care. I am tired of carrying this damn thing around with me everywhere I go.

This being the case, I can't figure out why I am still clinging at it for dear life. I want to slip out of it like a slinky bathrobe and strut my way up front and center and say have a look at this.

I guess that's why there are places like this. For shrouds like ours that are too heavy to lift alone.

 

this was a great read, I have definitely come out of my shell quite a bit since accepting myself as Gay, I've started feeling like I felt when I was a kid before I shut myself away in high school, its a good feeling.