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I can't run away from this anymore.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by findingjoy, Jun 3, 2016.

  1. findingjoy

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    A few days ago, I came here, posted as another user, basically saying I thought I was gay. People responded, and some of there observations and encouragement open up my eyes. I felt such a rush of emotion and freedom and a deep sense I needed to accept my sexual urges.
    But I still had doubts and questions. But overall, I thought I was fulfilling a lust or simply a sexual thing. I just thought I was accepting that. Then another user posted this:

    and my whole world came crashing down. I started trembling and shaking as I tried to post a response. I thought I wanted this to happen to me, but by the time I finished reading his post, I realized it already had. I got so scared I requested my account deleted.

    That night I went to bed and no longer dreamed of just lust, but of kissing man, holding his hand, being with him. I woke up and realized I am not bisexual, I am gay.

    I had relationships with women in the past, deeply emotional and I cared for them but the whole time I was a gay guy who was trying to force himself into a straight relationship.

    I tried to run away, but I can describe how good it feels right now to just say to myself "I am gay'

    I need to come out. I can't run away from this anymore.
     
    #1 findingjoy, Jun 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2016
  2. IamI

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    I'm with ya. Only mine is more trans oriented.
    I have led my life as straight as can be, dating very beautiful women, some of whom turned out to be models later on. That really didn't keep me interested. It did at first, but soon after each relationship, it would always feel like it was lacking something.

    It was lacking the freedom to be me around them, and it was lacking what I was craving sexually. I only was truly me when I was alone, and I wanted to experiment sexually so bad it was killing me.

    Each relationship started and ended the same. Everything was great at first because it was new, then it would all fall apart because of what I mentioned before. I am starting yet another chapter in my life. There has been many do-overs and many clean slates.

    I have never taken advantage of a clean slate, like the one I am about to get. This time I am going to seize the moment and live my life the way I really feel. Openly whatever the hell it is I am. I have no clue how to even package what I am. Either way, I am living it as straight and as gay and as bi and as crossdressing and as trans as I want to.

    This is my rebirth. I am going to make this count. You should too. (*hug*)
     
  3. findingjoy

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    Hey! I was comingout2016 until i requested my account deleted. :slight_smile: THanks for your support earlier.
     
  4. IamI

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    HI! I was wondering where you went. We're all crutches here. You're one too. Thank you as well.
     
  5. findingjoy

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    (*hug*)
     
  6. IamI

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    can i friend you again?
     
  7. findingjoy

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    of course! I might still be under the number of posts to be allowed though.
     
  8. IamI

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    ok gotcha. thank you :slight_smile:
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    I was on a business trip half way around the world. After a few days of intensive meetings, my business associate and I decided to head to a fun bar we had heard about from others whom had visited the city we were in. We walked in and live American music was being sung by a local bad. The bar was filled with locals and foreign visitors alike. We started drinking, danced as well, and we're having a great time. Next thing I know, a local guy starts hitting on me. Another guy then comes up to do the same. The two literally almost start a fight in front of me and the associate Iw as with had to step in and break it apart. A bolt of electricity went through me - a feeling I never experienced before. That bolt was my awakening from what had otherwise been a 20 year sleep as I put myself in the closet.

    That was almost five years ago. I shall never forget that moment.
     
    #9 OnTheHighway, Jun 4, 2016
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  10. baristajedi

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    Welcome back findingjoy! I'm glad you've come back, and I hope you stick around. It sounds like you're starting off with some brave steps. Keep sharing your journey, we'll be here to support you.
     
  11. Invisible Star

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    Hello,

    Everything all of you have written could have been coming straight out of my keyboard, particularly:

    I only wish I had the same courage as you have... :icon_sad:
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    I had a similar experience to OGS's. The first time I kissed a guy I had feelings for, I felt sparks and fireworks and :wow: I finally discovered what I had been missing with women. I wanted and needed to have a BF. It took me a couple more years before finding EC and ultimately coming out as gay.

    I was sad to see that your original account had been deleted, although I'm delighted that you are back! The thing to keep in mind as you climb the wall of worry about your sexuality is that you need to counteract all the negative lessons about being gay that you accumulated growing up, which cause you to feel internalized homophobia and shame about being gay today. You probably feel that you don't want to be gay. As you work through all of this this, you begin to accept yourself more and more as gay man until you feel comfortable enough to come out as gay. Coming out is the beginning of another leg of your journey where you continue to accept and love yourself even more as a gay man by being out and around other gay men. A big part of the process is your second adolescence (which usually starts before coming out) where you learn how to be gay. Straight adolescents have it easier since societal rituals are designed around heteronormativity.

    Eventually you'll get to point where you are very comfortable and love yourself as a gay man. You are no longer scared of being gay and what that means. In fact you embrace it. You are glad that you get to be gay. Life becomes amazing because you've rebuilt it on the correct foundation.

    When people say things gets better, this is what they mean.

    Best,
    SF
    #sfpost
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  13. findingjoy

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    Hi thanks for being patient. I am being honest with myself right now when I say I want to be gay, and this feeling of release and joy comes over me.
    But yes, to also be honest with myself, part of me says I am not gay or does not want to be. It's a roller coaster.


    Just posting here, and coming back has made a big difference. Reading your blog helps a lot too. Any other tips?

    I just ran an errand and outside and I couldn't wait to get back to my apartment because this is where I could be gay. I don't even know that that means, i dont mean masturbating or anything but I just feel like this is the only place I am out.


    This is the scariest feeling to me right now- right now I want to be happy about being gay - my hands tremble typing as I write that. I want to be able to have sex, even just masterbate and finish and not feel awful. It feels so right before and during but after I want to run away.
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    It will take time to get to this point. Realistically it's not going to happen overnight. It took me about a year to get to this point; however, I also had to come out to a spouse and deal with the aftermath as part of the process.

    As for additional resources / next steps ...

    • I posted this to your previous thread - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/3066098-post10.html.
    • You'll want to start coming out to people when you feel ready.
    • Since you are single, I would suggest that you start creating a network of gay friends. See below.
    As you tackle each of these, you may feel the internalized homophobia and shame holding you back. If so, you'll need to push yourself to do them or perhaps break things down into more comfortable baby steps and gain momentum as described in the blog post. As you do this, you expand your comfort zone and acceptance of yourself as a gay man while building the muscle required to do the things you need to do to accept yourself.

    Creating a network of gay friends

    It's really important to have a network of gay friends who you can do things with, give you advice on being gay, introduce you to potential partners, and give you dating advice. My approach has been to create a network of gay friends by engaging with the LGBT community. Here's what I've done to create a network of gay friends. Some of these may be outside your comfort zone right now. If so, try to pick and choose baby steps that will help you build momentum, such as going to a gay bar.

    • LGBT support groups/meetups/activities - These are great ways to meet gay friends in real life either by participating in support groups or by doing activities of mutual interest, such as hiking or sports. I've been meeting a number of gay friends through support groups and meetups. These guys are truly friends and have helped show me the ropes of being gay.

    • Hookup apps / Dating apps - My gay friends turned me onto the hookup apps. You can hold conversations with gay guys using hookup apps behind the safety and convenience of your keyboard and then proceed to real life if that makes sense. This is a viable way to meet friends or hookups. The key is to create a profile that shows that you are a decent guy.

      Whether you go the hookup or dating app route is up to you. In the gay world, meeting guys through hookups doesn't carry the stigma it does in the straight world. Gay men often prefer to establish sexual compatibility before going on a proper date, that is, meeting someone via a hookup is a viable option. Several of the partnered guys I know met via hookup apps.

    • Gay bars - Personally I have more fun at gay bars when I bring a date rather than looking for one at the bar. Explore this if you like and hopefully you can find a bar where the music isn't so loud that you can actually talk to guys.
    The key is try as many things as you have time for and see what works. I didn't really hit critical mass until I was a member of a support group, a meetup, and some hookup sites.

    HTH,
    SF
    #sfpost
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  15. findingjoy

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    Thanks SF, very helpful. I want to hold off on the sex. Don't get me wrong, I realize now I want it, its not just a fetish.

    Even in just the past few days my fantasies have become more romantic, passionate, and I am not just looking at body parts, if you know what I mean. I see myself pleasuring a man I love. Holding each other, gazing into each others eyes, lying in bed together. These fantasies are just occurring naturally and make me very happy and help me to realize that I am gay. I was trying to force myself to imagine a woman that way and I just can.t.

    I was thinking about a woman i dated a couple of years ago, I was thinking about how hard it was for me to orgasm. Now I realize i pretty much wanted to be doing what she was doing.

    But I want to meet other gay guys, network, talk, and come out to some friends first. I think its a healthier way of acknowledging that I am gay and that it's not just a sexual urge. Then I will be much more comfortable to have sex.
     
    #15 findingjoy, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  16. SiennaFire

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    I agree that it's better for you to build a network of gay friends as a logical next step.

    There is one thing I should point out. Starting a relationship during your coming out high is generally a bad idea. When you are on your coming out high, you are so eager to be in a relationship that you often make poor choices. Of course everybody ignores this warning. I certainly did as well as many other folks here on EC. Please keep this in the back of your mind.

    Hooking up or finding a FWB where there is some emotional connection might be a smart first play. This allows you to gain sexual experience through a caring connection. If you choose the dating route, I would recommend taking things slowly because trying to integrate the physical and emotional aspects of dating is potentially overwhelming.
     
    #16 SiennaFire, Jun 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2016
  17. Weston

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    Something I found helpful when coming out, especially in terms of becoming comfortable with acknowledging my sexuality, was to say aloud, "I am gay. I'm a gay man." You can whisper it in the bathroom mirror or scream it at the top of your lungs in heavy traffic (assuming you're alone in the car). Try it!
     
  18. Justasking100

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    Finding joy, I really relate to where you are. The dating beautiful women, the feeling something missing and also the part where your brain tells you your not gay. It's very unsettling and difficult to live with. Keep going keep on plugging away and do what you are doing and hopefully you'll get there. I've taken some big steps in a similar vain and in fact have a night out with some new gay friends tonight at a gay bar. If you'd said to me six months ago is be doing this I'd laugh at you.
     
  19. findingjoy

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    Thanks yes i have been trying that and waves of peace come over me.

    ---------- Post added 4th Jun 2016 at 12:31 PM ----------

    Thanks. I posted all night here last night and got this morning and did the same. I started to do some things around the house, and all the sudden i laid on my bed and startled trembling and sweating. Thinking'saying "i am gay' and it felt like it was convulsing into my body... I have never had a seizure, but it felt close to one, but pleasurable and painful, like a non sexual orgasm. Strangest thing I have ever felt
     
  20. kypso

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    I recall how unsettling I found this at first.
    Am so happy for you that you have found this courage