I'm going to an event today, something I have been looking forward to for a long time. It will be a great night, and I have a lot of friends going with me, but I feel nervous. Because she will be there. She here being my trigger, the one woman who made me realize I am gay, the woman who played with me (even if not out of meanness but out of not understanding how strongly I felt for her), the woman who broke my heart, the woman I still sometimes dream about even though I tell myself I am over her. She will be there with her boyfriend who I hear she if very happy with. And I am happy for her, I wish nothing but good things to her. But I am nervous how this inevitable encounter will affect me. I worry that one look at her and I feel the same things I did for so long. I worry that I won't be able to hide it. But I have to do my best, and in a way I think it will be a good test for me as well. I will do my damnest to be calm and nonchalant and find peace in her happiness with someone who is not and never will be me. Wish me luck.
Good luck. Have a great time and try not to worry about her being there. She may not even make it there so just have a good time and cross that bridge when you come to it.
I can imagine how hard this must have been/is. I hope you did okay today. Please come back and tell us how things went. Sending you hugs.
Thank you for your kind messages. So how did it go? Surprisingly well. I was very nervous before I saw her and actually ran away for a bit when I saw her approaching me and my friends (she didn't see me do this). But then I got my shit together and went and greeted her, we talked a little bit and even if I still felt nervous and a bit awkward I think I was able to act quite normally. She and her boyfriend hung out with us from there onwards and I made conscious effort not to look at her too much, not to engage her too much. I tried to be friendly but neutral. And I was able to. As the evening proceeded I started to relax, and we talked some more, and I realized I am in a much better place in my head when it comes to her. I am still attracted to her, obviously, but the desperate need to have her, to touch her, look at her - it is if not gone, at least a lot more manageable. I can deal with it. I can be around her and still be OK. This was huge for me. I was so head over heels into her that being able to say I have moved a bit past it gives me the feeling of having really conquered something. I feel good.
