How do I really know I am gay?

Hello,

These sound exactly the same questions I've been trying to find answer for the past few years. At one point I came to a conclusion I was straight after all and the "gay thoughts" were just a passing phase.

However, that lasted only for one year or so, and here I'm again with the same problems.

 

If you haven't already done so, it may help to read some of the information in our resources area Empty Closets - Coming Out and let us know your thoughts about it. In particular, have a look at the stages of coming out.

 

Sometimes I find it helps not to look at the big questions and start with smaller ones.

Your feelings for men are real, do you have to put s label on them just now? You can take steps bit by bit to better learn about you and once you feel more clear, you can take steps bit by bit to come to an acceptance of yourself.

Are you married/in a relationship right now? I don't know your full story.

one thing that I strongly recommend is counselling with an LGBT counsellor. That will help you immensely as you sort through all of these big questions.

 

This is a good thread and topic. The main question is how it makes you feel. You said it makes you feel happy about being gay. How does being straight make you feel?

 

Hey findingjoy,

You are asking a good question at this point. There are 2 ways to tackle this. One is analytical (thinking about it and weighing the evidence like you are doing) the other is experiential. Acceptance is a very iterative process, so you'll probably want to revisit frequently the materials I referenced in previous posts until it all sinks in.

Analytical - I have some observations about the evidence that I want to share with you. In particular a lot of what you placed in the Against category seems more like a rationalization that you are straight rather than bonafide evidence that you are not gay.

These seem to be evidence of denial - that you still haven't accepted or believe that you are gay. Few people want to be gay initially. If you were brought up in a homophobic environment, it's likely some of that homophobia rubbed off on you. Internalized homophobia and shame create fear, uncertainty, and doubt about one's sexuality. So what you are experiencing is typical for someone who is coming to terms with their sexuality.

While I initially didn't want to be gay because of my own internalized homophobia, I now see things totally differently. What I wanted is irrelevant. It's a form of indulgence I could not afford to participate in. I cannot change the fact that I'm gay, so I focused on what I could control and learned to accept myself. Life is so much better once you stop resisting. Today I'm glad that I get to be gay because this is who I am.

Sexual orientation is defined in terms of attraction rather than behavior. Many men on EC (myself included) can point to long-term relationships/marriages with women; however, we're still gay because our sexual and romantic attractions are predominantly towards men. You probably want very much to be straight to avoid being gay. Until you give yourself permission to be fully gay and allow yourself to have relationships with men, you don't know much better relationships can be. In hindsight my relationships with women seem more like hookups because they lacked the depth of relationships I have with men.

Experiential - Another answer to the question "How do I really know I am gay?" is to experiment it and find out. If memory serves, you are single so the experimentation does not jeopardize an existing relationship. Please keep in mind because of your internalized homophobia and shame, you'll probably need to have a few goes before you get comfortable. The real acid test for me came when I first kissed a guy I cared about :wow: :thewave: (!)

Best,
SF
#sfpost

 

I have the same question/ similar evidence from a female perspective.

And bleeping worse at the mo, i have 2 people interested in me- a perfect guy and a perfect girl. Wtf

 

Your post reminds me of one of the quotes in my sig:

Throughout my own journey of discovery towards authenticity, the quote has guided me to push myself to do the things that scare me, and I subsequently discovered the treasures behind the fear. Most recently I was scared of my second date with a guy because I knew I was exploring a new level of vulnerability and intimacy. I pushed through my fears and discovered vulnerability and intimacy with a guy who became my BF.

Similarly you fear being gay and all it represents. I was in a similar place a year ago and the quote guided me to understand that my fear of being gay was a signal to explore and embrace it.

All I can do is share my experience with you. It's up to you to act on it. if you are still unsure about your sexuality, perhaps you may want to consider finding a gay therapist who can help you process your feelings.

Don't be afraid of being who you are. Be afraid of not being who you are and finding yourself on your death bed regretting how you let your fears control your life.

 

Hi findingjoy,

I'm so glad you e decided to stick around and continue working on understanding you better. In essence that's what this journey is, looking deeper at yourself and understanding what makes you tick.

I can see you are overwhelmed with emotions about all of your questions, and that's totally normal. We've all been there. I was consumed with questions, emotions, anxiety when I started coming out too. Just take a deep breath, you're doing great, you're here and you're facing your fears and asking important questions. You are doing great.

I saw in one of your posts that you want validation. None of us can answer that question for you. You do have the answer in yourself, things won't always seem so muddled. My suggestion: try to put aside the label, just for now, and instead focus on your feelings.

Think about what you feel when you think about an attractive men, when you fantasise about a man, when you see a gay male couple being affectionate. Try to spend some time doing and paying attention to these things, and just listen to your own feelings a bit. Try not to put a label on these feelings. Just articulate them to yourself - I get aroused when I think about men this way, I feel warm and happy when I see two men being affectionate, etc. You may feel negative feelings too. Name them too. Just be honest with yourself about your feelings.

You can do the same with women if you want to explore those feelings as well.

Everything you feel is natural and normal, and all of your feelings are valid. They're yours. They're real.

Once you can name your feelings for men, then try to explore them further. But for now, just start by letting yourself feel and letting yourself acknowledge those feelings.

You can do this, findingjoy, just take it one step at a time.

I hope that helps a bit.

 

Thanks - I can be annoyingly persistent

I had a fair amount of internalized homophobia and shame to work through. I grew up in an area with traditional family values and learned that being gay was so shameful that it wasn't even talked about except to explain that those two men were homosexuals. I wanted so desperately to be "normal" to meet the expectations of family and society.

I felt attraction to members of the same-sex all of my life (that is, the signals were in my brain), yet I allowed my desire to be normal and my little slice of heterosexuality as a Kinsey 5 to explain away and deny those signals until I reached midlife and could no longer deny that I'm wired differently.

In terms of fears ...

I was afraid of the word "gay" and all it represents.

I was afraid of coming out as gay and being judged by others.

I was afraid of disappointing my family for not being who I should be.

I was afraid of being intimate with another man.

I was afraid of making a radical change in my life.

I was afraid of discovering and being myself.​

Eventually I reached a point where I didn't want to die without exploring and understanding this side of me, so I had to push myself to overcome my fears. The idea of taking baby steps that I've posted and blogged about is what I actually did.

I wrote this poem over a year ago and I still tear up when I read it - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2679456-post8.html

 

What you are going through is typical for somebody who is coming to terms with their sexuality after decades of denial.

"In vino veritas" - I came out to myself as bisexual several years ago and required liquid courage to help me discover the truth within, the words that you find scary but true. You've been in denial for decades, so don't expect to undo that overnight. As I came out to myself, I remember experiencing a broad range of emotions, including surges of dark masculine energy, sadness, anger, and excitement. It takes a lot of energy to stay in denial, and I experienced these emotions as my body released my denial.

Continue to push yourself to engage with EC and take baby steps that expand your comfort zone. You will get more comfortable with your sexuality over time. Can you look in the mirror and say "I'm gay and proud"?

Based on what you've posted previously, I was working on the assumption that you are gay ride:

It sounds like you need to read or reread The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, which will help you counter the negative feelings you have about being gay.

 

Sienna, you are very wise. You are right decades of denial are not going to change overnight for anyone including me. The only thing i can do is move forward. I look forward to your posts and am very glad you are around this forum!! A kind of Gandalf for EC'ers...