Every time I think I might have figured it out...

I felt this way when I first came out to myself. I spent a lot of time going in circles trying to reason out where my feelings were coming from, and found it really hard to understand whether certain feelings come from my sexuality or from other things.

I think that this is one of those things that starts to calm down when you accept that you don't have to have all the answers right away.

Can you try naming feelings rather than trying to assign reasons or motivations to them?

For example, i might have said "I don't want to have sex with my husband". I don't need to understand why, just accept that feeling by itself. Or "I fantasise primarily about women" and just accept that without trying to assign a reason to it.

It helped me to move along to an understanding of my feelings much better when I wasn't trying so hard to reason them out.

I'm not sure if this makes a lot of sense, but I hope it does!

 

I've just recently accepted myself as being a lesbian, and I can relate to all those feelings. I still keep thinking back to how great it felt when I was with a certain man, and how sex with him wasn't bad. But then I think about men in general and I know that the idea of dating any man at all isn't appealing to me.

I'm coming to accept that I have the ability to fall in love with a man, but I have a major preference for women. So major that I need to ditch the bi label I gave myself years ago. My ex husband and I were talking about it the other day (we're friends and great coparents), and he said that he thinks I'm demi-sexual. I said that I thought that when I was with men, but I can fall for a woman immediately and have desires it'd take me falling in love to have towards a man. So, maybe I'm Demi towards men, but I'm not towards women. More things to push me to accepting being a lesbian.

Have you ever checked out the purple-red scale? (Google it) Or even just the less confusing Kinsey scale? You don't have to be completely one way or another. I'm still deciding exactly where I fall on those (not that it matters except for my own sanity). The numbers are the same on both, so I think I'm somewhere between a 4 and 5. Not sure which, though. Maybe I'll call myself a 4.8. Sigh.

Anyway, I just want to say, I feel you and you're not alone.

 

I also went through this stage for a long time, trying to rationalise everything rather than trust my instincts, which had been trying to tell me to leave my marriage for over 20 years, but I had been ignoring them. When I asked several of my straight friends if they had ever woken up in the night panicking because they thought they might be gay, they looked at me and said "no, of course not", or "why would I do that?" Which made me realise that to just be feeling the need to ask myself the question was an indication there was definitely something in it.

 

I can empathise a lot with this. It is alarming how the mind can actually trick itself into believing something that turns out not to be true. I used to trick myself into thinking crushes and intense lusts were in fact just admiration of other women - not true.
We believe what we want to believe and when our mind is looking for excuses, it will always find one or find a way to rationalise something. We are our own worst enemy!
Took me so long to accept myself. It's a great first step to accept you just aren't straight, who needs labels anyway :icon_wink

 

I can relate to this issue.

I was so sure that I was bisexual, with a preference for women.

But on May 17th 2016 I finally kissed a woman. Actually it was a furious make out session, but anyways the fireworks, and passion that I felt, Iv'e never been able to feel that with men. No matter who it was. I've never been really keen on penises anyhow, but I tolerated them for the sake of pleasing my partner.

But since that kiss, I can't lie to myself or anyone else anymore. Much as I loved and still do love my ex boyfriend, he could never give me that feeling that I had in that one wonderfully amazing kiss I had with my new girlfriend.

It's just not possible. But it did take me over two years for this to happen, and during that time I kept denying my attraction to women. I don't anymore, because there is no longer any conflict inside me. I just know.

I hope this helps.(*hug*)