to those still in a straight marriage...

Hi, I have just ended my marriage myself. It was scary as hell at first, but in the end, my wife (ex-wife) and I are still best friends. She still doesn't know the half of it, but she only knows I'm curious.

I know this doesn't help you in the least, but let me tell you this... If I had stayed in my marriage like I was, I would have been miserable, my wife would have been miserable, and my future kids would have been miserable.

Face fact. it was going to happen sooner or later under some given circumstance. Too bad it was this was and not another more friendly way. Don't react to anger with anger. His anger is probably coming from denial/realization.

Be you. Love you. I know there is a shit ton going on right now, but fuck it. Deal with you. Embrace you. The more you embrace you, the easier it will be to deal with everything.

This is brand new to me. I never thought I would be where I am in a million years. I have just come to terms with being gay in the past month. Getting everyone on board is a task. Just the thought of it is a task.

I haven't come out to anyone yet besides my best friend and wife who only know I'm curious so far.

---------- Post added 6th Jun 2016 at 10:10 PM ----------

Oh... and guilt. I don't feel guilty anymore. I broke up an entire family I had created for myself. I didn't have my own family. I had my wife's. They are great beautiful people. I felt so much guilt for breaking up this marriage. I knew that her family and I would never be the same again.

But once I think about it, I realize maybe I am going to build a real relationship with them. One that's not based on a facade. They don't know anything yet. Just that she and I are divorcing.

We really are bffs that realize we are better as friends and not lovers. I just with I could explain to her my whole deal. It's just not possible right now. Anyways.. I don't want to ramble on..

 

I went through a lot of the same guilt trip in the process of building up to disclosing my sexuality to my wife. I really believed there was potential for destroying my 30 year marriage. Enough that at one point I just decided I would crawl back into the closet forever. I remember weeks on end of only a couple hours sleep. After three weeks, I still feel hung over from all the crying. It is so difficult TinyOwl...I really feel for you.

On the plus side, as soon as I really looked in the mirror and said to myself: "You have more skills now...you have your "gay" now to help you through this", I reached a new level of comfort that allowed me to come out. I knew I could get through this by using my whole being including parts I had hidden for years.

Tap into that energy and step forward in increments. Best.

 

1TinyOwl,

I very much relate to feeling guilt. I have experienced guilt throughout my marriage for having the thoughts that I had. I felt guilt for interacting with men online as I got my "gay release". I understand all of that.

As I am beginning my coming out process, I feel guilt for the same things you do: potentially breaking up my family in its current state, how will
My kids handle this, possible custody issues, etc.) While I am very early in coming out, I have felt some of this guilt subside as I begin to wholly accept that I am gay. With all the uncertainty the future holds, there is so much to look forward to and be excited about. Living as who I really am is an exciting prospect and is one that helps suppress the guilt I have felt. As another poster stated, love you, embrace you.

 

I can very much empathise with the guilt. In my case I am in a straight marriage (husband knows I am bisexual and totally fine with it) but I think I am in fact more gay. I still love him, he is wonderful as a person but I cannot shake the feeling something is wrong for me and I fantasise about being with a woman. My guilt comes from here.
The future may seem all over the place at the moment and hard to imagine but if you know in your heart of hearts that something is wrong and needs changing, do it without thought.
Be yourself, life is too short

 

I can relate to this a lot. I don't feel like something is wrong in my marriage, just that I want more than he can provide for me sexually. I assuage my guilt about fantasizing by sharing the dreams with him. He is really ok with it, sometimes super turned on by it, and especially loves when the dreams include him and me and another woman.

You may want to read more about mixed orientation marriages, which is what I consider mine to be (now that I know about it!). I'm hoping that in the future, we can figure out a way for us both to be comfortable with me having sexual experiences with (a) woman/en while remaining married... I've never wanted to be married to anyone else, even if I only desire sex with women outside of him.

 

I am also in a straight marriage. I don't want to be married to anyone else other than my husband. But in quiet moments if I am honest with myself I think 'if I were to have another partner they would likely be a woman'. I have not told him that, because I don't think that either of us wants to think about each other with next partners. He knows that I have loved women in the past and find them attractive still. And he knows that I obsessively watch LGBTQ youtubers/movies/etc. But I don't have anyone to talk with about my own feelings, because I can't be THAT open with him. And what would I say anyway? I don't even know what I am thinking or feelings myself. Confused...

 

Lizz.
I just came out as bi to my wife who, it seems, sort of likes it! So, now our intimacy has reached a level beyond anything we ever had before. I can discuss all of my desires and urges with her. It is so liberating. I hope you and your husband can find this too.

 

Hi! I felt guilty not because of my husband, as I have been very open with him right from the beginning of our relationship about my attractions, and his reaction has been positive. He is very okay with it and a supportive man, but I feel guilty everytime someone brings up to him that me being attracted to anyone really can only mean that I will necessarily end up being unfaithful to him, or cannot be trusted as a mother (if we ever adopt children). Family and acquaintances have told him so countless times.

But at the end of day I am feeling very lucky to be with such an understanding and hard-trying man. After a few weeks dating me, he voluntarily researched homo/bi/ace/pan sexualities (he is a cis straight white male from a religious family), homophobia, lgbt rights... He also read books about threesomes, and later told me that he would feel uncomfortable with these for now (well, there's hope) but is okay with me eventually sleeping with a woman as long as we discuss it beforehand.

However I would not b able to stay with an homophobic partner. No way. Being open about my feelings has helped my relationship greatly, but the most important was definitely the support of my husband. Helps get through the sleepless nights when I stress over him losing courage one day given all the criticism about me that he gets.

To all of you struggling, I hope your situations will soon find resolution. Please remain honest to yourself, and stay safe! =)

 

I am 45. I just accepted my orientation about two weeks ago.. The more I accepted, the more I could see attraction in guys. I have had all "straight" relationships in my life, but almost had a gay relationship around 18-19. I was molested by one guy outside a bar while stationed overseas, and that did go well. So, been married 20 years, and this acceptance opened a "floodgate". I was getting a lot of attention from guys who liked me on this dating site. being married, I wanted to tell my wife about the tendencies and stronger urges, but this is also immoral and shunned in our belief system.

I was on medication that can cause you to be much more impulsive than you normally can be, so I kept moving forward exploring this. I had to know if it was real by meeting a guy. If I was comfortable on a date, and being close, I would know for sure before coming forward with only confused feelings.. when I met him, I let him go all the way, mainly with passion, experimentation, and lack of impulsive control. Now it is out in the open with my wife and I am on the edge of a cliff hanging by a thread in our marriage. 4 kids are needing father. The religion is important in our lives, so the marriage and family is very conservative. I was feeling happy because I felt I could express myself fully, but guilty that I cheated and lied. I hate being labeled as such.

Now, I am trying to keep the important things in life close to me, but I am not trusted and my spouse is working with me to control this and is convinced I am really not bisexual.

Now, I am responsible for tearing the family fabric and have this part that is going to remain thirsty. This is probably a familiar story. If I had really understood myself before marriage, I would have told her. I was used to dismissing any gay thoughts, so I was able to be monogamous and straight all this time without any problems.

I am going to see a psych at the VA who specializes in LGBT issues. It sounds like they will help me come out, but I did make commitments to my church and my God. My parents and sister are supportive, but that is it.

Any thoughts or resources to read? I got off the medication, but I still need to resolve this with everything/everyone I affected.

 

Hey Biguy55

I was 5 minutes away from your situation. I set up a discreet hookup, met the guy and we bailed. So, I can imagine what you're going through.

Take a search for my story. "My wife knows everything". It is about 3 weeks old now.

I also suggest you cut and paste your story to a new thread in this area, LGBT Later in Life,since it sounds like you may need some personal input and support. I will look for it!

 

Everyday sucks for me. I sit around blaming myself for even letting myself get married. I was brain-washed...felt like I had no choice. But deep down I know I have the power to survive alone. I have to. I'm just too scared of ending up on the streets..or worse. I'm already contemplating attending my first pflag meeting soon...but I'm even scared of that.

 

Hey thanks for the support. I am not sure where I should copy and paste. I have several more nights of dragging through various details in my life with my wife.. Boy this is painful, but I know I will at least not have it buried; which is much better in the long run.

 

Hey biguy55

I was just suggesting starting a new thread since sometimes other posters
May not be watching a particular existing thread. It looks
Like you could use some dialogue specific to your situation.

Look for the "start
A new thread" selection box.

 

Ok, I will try that

 

Oh dear, this spoke to me loud and clear. I've had the same thought over the last few weeks. It's so tough to realize that you're thinking that way, isn't it? So fatalistic and depressing.

I've told my husband that I'm questioning and plan to see a therapist soon. He's very comfortable with it, way more than I would have expected. So I'm in this weird situation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's like he's talking about it as if it's happening to another couple, not our family, I don't know.

It's all scary and confusing, but I feel a very deep peace in allowing myself to consider and question.

Best of luck to you. (*hug*)

 

I just recently came out to my husband. It has been a struggle. But I know I am one step closer to being happy. He was okay with it at first and then he turned towards anger and resentment. It is difficult to file for a divorce, custody and look for your own place.... Hopefully the custody part you guys can agree on outside of court to avoid the hassle. I still feel guilt about being the reason we are not a family anymore. But his ride comments and emotional abuse just reassure me I have made the right decision. This will be a hard transition, but just know you are not alone Hun. I am here if you need to talk.

 

I do as well. While I feel so much better mentally because I'm not hiding this big secret anymore, I still feel incredible amounts of guilt because I am the one who did this. I ended a marriage, I broke up a family, I hurt my (ex)husband. It's not that I am a bad person, but good people sometimes have to do hard things, and sometimes good people hurt others.

It's so hard, but it gets better.

 

I came out as bi to my husband almost a month ago. It went well and things have been good since. It was hard to come out but I am glad I did. He has been fully supportive. I realize everyone isn't as lucky. Do what is right for you. Do what is in your heart. We're here for you.