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Rejection galore! What a horribly bad day! Back in the closet I go...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jun 6, 2016.

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  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    1. Got rejected by a woman I actually liked. Had good interactions with her, sent her a pic of me and poof! She vanished. Whyyyyyyyyy! I'm an attractive, feminine woman in her 30's. Couldn't we even be just friends?! She wanted to take it slow, as did I, then she's gone.
    What's frustrating is that she's one of only two I've even taken an interest in. Ugh! And this reinforces the fact that I take a woman's rejection more harshly than a man. I'd actually be nervous to undress in front of a woman, but not with a man.

    2. I e-mailed the woman I fell in love with last year and told her everything. Spilled my guts. Told her I was in love with her. And the second I pressed SEND, I regretted it. She never felt that way for me and I look like an a$$ saying it. Plus, the moment I sent it, I realized it's the end. There's nothing left to say. Where do I go from here? This woman was my trigger. Now what?!

    3. Decided to sweep my same-sex feelings under the rug and commit to my marriage. Had a decent, albeit stressful evening but was happy. Then we tried to have sex and he couldn't get it up.

    What a horrifically bad day!!
     
    #1 caliwoman, Jun 6, 2016
  2. Jmiller85

    Jmiller85
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    Aww, don't give up! If they were that way, then they don't deserver to sleep with you anyway! :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Jmiller85, Jun 7, 2016
  3. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    Hugs honey (*hug*)

    I agree with jmiller- don't give up!! Making yourself vulnerable is sucky as hell sometimes, but it's the only way to grow. This has been a hard day, and it's emotional and upsetting. But you are going to get through this. You made the first ballsy step by going on a limb, with both of these women and sharing your feelings. Now the healing begins, bit by bit.

    Deep breaths. It's all going to get better. I know you're strong, you can do this!
     
    #3 baristajedi, Jun 7, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2016
  4. PrettyinPunk

    PrettyinPunk
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    I'm sorry for your bad day, really sucks. Don't get too hung up. From what I've heard from other people the behavior you received from the girl you were interested in isn't uncommon.

    You can't let that experience stop you from trying again. Just pick yourself up and go even harder next time!

    I don't know if I could offer helpful advice on your marriage specifically. I know you shouldn't "sweep your feelings away" though. It's not fair to you, your husband, or your relationship.

    Besides you'll always have tomorrow, and a chance for it to be better.:icon_wink
     
    #4 PrettyinPunk, Jun 7, 2016
  5. Gillian

    Gillian
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    I know it sucks to get rejected! But don't let it get you down, there could have been a million reasons why she stopped responding. Why would you give one person that kind of power as to shove you back into the closet?

    And nr 2, I did the same thing.. You'll get over the feeling of being an a$$, I promise :slight_smile:
     
    #5 Gillian, Jun 7, 2016
  6. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thank you all for your responses. It's 3am here in California and I woke up feeling like I was in a bad dream.

    Really feel like crying. Why do I take a woman's opinion much more harshly than a mans? That is what scares me, putting myself out there like that. Making myself vulnerable.

    And when I divulged my feelings to my former friend, I called it "more than platonic feelings" and that I was in love with her. The most graphic I got was saying there were some nights I wanted her so bad that it hurt. Now I feel stupid for spilling my guts to her. Now I'm am anecdote in the eyes of her.

    Ugh...I don't know where to go from here.
     
    #6 caliwoman, Jun 7, 2016
  7. Gillian

    Gillian
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    I think just because of that - you are making yourself vulnerable in a new kind of way. Rejection is never fun but I think when you come out later in life and are new to the same sex game it can be quite unnerving, and then if it doesn't go as you planned it it feels worse.

    Kind of like I made all this effort to be OK with myself and put myself out there, and now it doesn't work out? This is at least how I felt.. For me it was a shock that a girl I went on a date with never replied my messages after that date (and I thought it went well!!) but then I just got over it and figured it wasn't meant to be her.

    As for spilling your guts.. I did the same thing to my trigger, wrote her a loong confession-y email. And she never even replied. It was awful, and I felt like crap and like the biggest idiot, but time passed and I got over that as well. So will you. Just focus on other things and don't dwell on it, what is done is done and now you just move forward and soon meet some super hot woman who can't wait to jump your bones.

    Also 3 am in the morning is never nobody's greatest moment :wink: Have a sleep and I'm sure you feel at least a bit better in the morning :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Gillian, Jun 7, 2016
  8. OnTheHighway

    OnTheHighway
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    I have a theory, everything comes in threes. You hit three. Now that it's behind you, look forward!
     
    #8 OnTheHighway, Jun 7, 2016
  9. Tomás1

    Tomás1
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    Reading your post, made me remember a few similar experiences. I learned to not "over share" - basically communicate everything, in great detail, to another person you like … especially in the beginning of a potential relationship.

    It overwhelms the person. It's dumping. It pushes people away. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn. If you are cognizant of your feelings, in the beginning there is a tendency to think it's good to share, it will deepen the relationship, etc. However, if you're on the receiving end, it can be overwhelming, you get more than you asked for, & it can make the person look like they're too much to handle. Better to own your own feelings, say less than more, take small steps toward closeness.
     
    #9 Tomás1, Jun 7, 2016
  10. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Ughhhh when does it goes away LOL. What was I thinking?! Did I actually think it would make me feel BETTER. Gosh. Where did the rational me go, the entire time I was writing that letter?! LOL



    ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2016 at 09:27 AM ----------

    God, I certainly hope so. I'll keep this in mind, LOL.



    ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2016 at 09:29 AM ----------

    I certainly did that w/my trigger and I couldn't see that I was doing it. For the life of me, I didn't know that's what I was doing, I felt like I was being strong and trying to confront my fears. There's no future w/the woman is who my trigger crush. I feel awful about spewing my feelings, but I did feel a sense of THE END. Still, I have to deal w/the consequences.

    That wasn't the case as far as the new girl, it was back and forth banter, headed towards swapping pics. I thought we'd stay friends even if we didn't find one another attractive. Guess not. LOL. I think I had learned my lessons to not be so gung-ho, like the last time.



    ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2016 at 09:36 AM ----------

    These same-sex issues have always caused more issues in general, more than w/a man.
    When it's a woman, I always end up heartbroken.

    It would be so much easier to fold it up and call it a day. I really don't know what to do. At a certain point, I'm good at detaching. Maybe this is one of those occasions? I mean, I've done it in the past when it comes to this.
     
    #10 caliwoman, Jun 7, 2016
  11. kypso

    kypso
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    Aww bless you. Vulnerability is such a challenging thing for humans.
    I know what you mean also about taking the feeling of rejection from another woman harder. I think I would too, I crave it and fantasise about it, but it terrifies me.

    Sorry you had a bad day! Hug!
     
    #11 kypso, Jun 7, 2016
  12. BrookeVL

    BrookeVL
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    Hang in there, it'll get better!(*hug*)
     
    #12 BrookeVL, Jun 7, 2016
  13. bi2me

    bi2me
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    Vulnerability is a bitch! If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend:
    https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en

    I am super bad about being vulnerable. I know for me, it stems from low self esteem. I am pretty much only good about it with my husband and my bff, and sometimes not even there. It's really hard when you don't know that that person listening/reading feels some version of unconditional love, which is why I've only got two people that I can almost always put myself out there with.

    Hugs to you!
     
    #13 bi2me, Jun 7, 2016
  14. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Ugh, and it continues. Today, I got an email alert that my other gmail account had suspicious activity and an email was marked as spam. The only other outgoing email was to my former friend who I fell in love w/last year. Awesome.

    In the letter, I do state I've changed my number so she can't "accidentally" text me again (I thought she was playing games when she text messaged me after 8 months of her silence, but the text wasn't to me, it was an accident, allegedly) and that I'm not giving her my regular email account because this was strictly for closure and I didn't want a reply. I also question whether or not she truly knew how I felt and was just stringing me along and enjoying the attention.

    Maybe that did it? She was so emotionally unavailable. I don't know why I fall for women like that. Then again, why do I even care what someone thinks when they are emotionally unavailable and didn't treat me right/played some games in there. I guess I have mommy issues too, because my mom's like that...but I digress.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2016 at 03:12 PM ----------

    The most graphic I got was telling her "some nights I wanted you so bad it hurt." Hopefull I didn't offend her. She's rather religious.

    ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2016 at 03:12 PM ----------
    Haha, vulnerability is a biotch. LOL.
     
    #14 caliwoman, Jun 8, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2016
  15. bi2me

    bi2me
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    In a nice turn of events, my bff was able to finally trust me with a big secret she'd been holding onto, so maybe my vulnerability allowed her to feel safe.
     
    #15 bi2me, Jun 9, 2016
  16. BrookeVL

    BrookeVL
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    Hang in there Calli, you have friends here...(&&&)
     
    #16 BrookeVL, Jun 9, 2016
  17. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thank you Cluster!!:kiss:
     
    #17 caliwoman, Jun 9, 2016
  18. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    I realized part of the problem of moving on'& the stagnation I experience, is I have no one to move on with. My husband sooooooo doesn't count. With men, sex is kinky, rough, fast; with that woman I wanted the polar opposite: slow, tender, sensual. Wanted to make love to her.

    Ya know when you have something end, part of the healing is meeting new people and flirting, finding new prospects in romance. I don't have that. I don't know where to meet women and my husband isn't down for it.

    This Friday, we go to a sex therapist. I'm going to broach the subject of being with a woman.
     
    #18 caliwoman, Jun 13, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2016
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