Does anyone have experienced in an open relationship? If you're willing to share your experience, I'm wondering about the benefits and the pitfalls to beware of. I am curious to hear how others have maintained positivity, trust, and openness within the primary couple? But I'm also interested in hearing about how others have maintained and pursued their needs outside of the primary relationship. For example, it's really important to me to be open to an emotional bond when I'm dating. For me this is more than side sex. I want to be able to feel whatever feelz come naturally, and not just hook up with people. Is sn open relationship compatible with that? As a mom, my time is limited, but it's important to pursue this in a way that's fulfilling, and in a way that feels like it has substance and meaning. Thoughts?
Communication and trust are crucial for it to work successfully. Talk with your partner, listen to his concerns, be sensitive and above all, be honest with each other. It's not a straight line, so be flexible and adjust your approach as necessary. A massive warning however, if your looking for an emotional connection, then you might be doing this for the wrong reason. That may be a massive risk to your current relationship if your seeking an emotional connection. In essence, your keeping your current partner on hold while you seek out another that can fulfill your emotional needs. One rule that many open relationships have is never be active with the same person more than once, that limits the risk of establishing an emotional connection with someone else. Figure out why your looking to have an open relationship before you go down that path (which I know you have been doing). If your partner is comfortable that your looking for more of a poly relationship, then that might negate what I said about seeking out someone to fulfill emotional needs, but I am not sure how realistic that might be. Talk to him about it.
Hey Ms. Jedi, I really recommend the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino...specifically, I recommend reading it together with your husband, and talking through the exercises together. The book provides examples (real life examples, not theoretical) of a ton of different styles of non-monogamous relationships, along with exercises to help the two of you figure.out a relationship style that works for you. For instance, it's true that a *fully open* (have sex with whoever you want relationship typically has rules to ensure that emotional attachments can't form...the purpose of them is purely to allow greater sexual freedom. There is nothing wrong with wanting,needing, or forming emotional connections with other people...but that "open relationship" model *may* not be the one you're looking for to satisfy those needs *while* facilitating stability in your primary relationship.
Onthehighway has an excellent point on what each partner is looking for in opening up the marriage. My wife and I are only in the very beginning stages of discussing how that would work for us. If we even decide it is a good idea. What we did do is re-commit to the marriage with the understanding that we may need to be flexible regarding my sexual orientation and what that means. I do know that the type of relationship that I would have outside of the marriage needs to be limited to a FWB arrangement. I cannot become involved in any relationship that might go further. That may be easier for men to do (sexist comment?) than for women. And, my wife has made it clear that there will be NO younger women. So, we are sort of feeling each other out right now without getting down to the hard conversations about details. I think each couple needs to explore how this happens in their own way. My wife and I are making this a game of "what about that guy?" This keeps us both involved in the discussion in a fun way right now.
We are having these discussion too at my husband's request. He has a much higher sex drive than I and is curious about all manner of kinky things...I'm still unsure. I don't think we communicate well enough yet... Also...*this is super honest*...I am somewhat scared that if we ever managed to get this off the ground and by some twist of the universe I slept with a woman... I am frightened I might enjoy it more than being with a man... Where would that leave us? *confused*
Hey Kypso You could, easily, enjoy sex more with someone besides your husband. The best sex I ever had was not with my wife. But, this girlfriend, it turns out, was psycho! Some people have an undeniable, and very captivating, sexual energy. Not always relationship material though! Shouldn't the goal be to get something that you are not getting with your husband while still remaining committed? Personally, I want it to be the best sex ever or why bother!
My husband and I are having very early discussions (well spaced apart) about open relationships. He understands that I probably want/need to have sexual relations with a women sometime in the future. How that will look or when it might happen is totally not determined. My ideal would be to have an occasional fwb relationship that I could take advantage of once in a while when my husband was out of town or otherwise busy. I've got two kids, so I am wary of EVERYTHING right now!
Thanks OTH, all of this insight is really helpful. I think we're starting off with good communication, and making "rules" to honour our individual needs. In terms of the emotionsl connection, we've made some rules to guard against dating leading to something that takes attention away from our connection. From all of our discussions, this seems to be my husband's main concern- he is OK with me finding and enjoying things outside of our relationship, so long as it doesn't detract from our relationship. We have been planning ways to stay connected and, honestly to reconnect, as well. Our relationship has gotten a million times better in the last 8 months. We're better partners, contributing equally, communicate better, rarely fight. But we're still not feeling romantic or intimate with eachother. So we made that a rule to reestablish and maintain that. I suppose though I need to make it clear to my husband that I do want an emotional connection as part of this experience. I just want to first of all, do this as part of accepting myself and accepting being queer; but also to experience it, to explore what that means for me. ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2016 at 10:46 PM ---------- Thank you for this, I'm glad you posted the title again because I've been wanting to get the book you recommended. That is actually one of our goals- I told my husband I want to spend time reading together and considering the experiences of others and various models for open relationships. Also I think perhaps I'm using the term "open" wrong. Maybe what I'm referring to is more "poly". --- I have to run, but I'm coming back to this thread soon'. Thanks everyone!!
[/COLOR] Nickw, it really sounds like your wife is viewing this as positively as you are. That's awesome. My husband is open and getting more comfortable, but I don't think he'll ever view it as a fun and exciting part of our relationship. That bums me out a bit, although I appreciate his trust and understanding. I think, like you, I feel like a fwb relationship would be the best for me. But I suppose in my case I do want friendship to be part of that. I don't want to hook up with random people, I want it to be someone I get to know and have a consistent arrangement with, but with the commitment being towards my husband. My husband and I agreed that this is most sustainable if we limit the frequency that we see others, and they also have to be in open or poly relationships (ie not single people). I don't know if I can build a meanjngful friendship in the fwb relationship or if it would be more centred on the "benefits" part... I guess time will tell. ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2016 at 01:52 AM ---------- Kypso, I agree with Nick's response. You may find out you enjoy being with a woman more, but it doesn't mean that it's over with your husband. There are reasons that you are still committed to each other, perhaps that is something you want to think about - is that commitment still something you feel strongly about? ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2016 at 01:54 AM ---------- Bi2me, this sounds like something similar to what I want but I want to be able to see someone every few weeks. In terms of kids and being wary about things, I totally understand that! I feel the same with my daughter. Any changes we make have to be done in a positive way for her.
I think so... I suppose some of the questions in my post may be best answered through the experience itself.
My wife and I are working on making my gay really part of our relationship. So, as far as opening up the marriage right now, I think it might be awhile. I have decided it is O.K for me to wait a bit until my wife catches up. My urgency of a couple months ago has subsided. That said, my wife is enjoying the "prospect" of me with a guy. Sort of in a fantasy way right now. A couple days ago, I ran into a guy (hot!) on the bike trail while a bit ahead of my wife. He had a mechanical problem that involved both of us working on it in close proximity. My wife rode up. She commented later how great I looked with this guy and asked if he was my type! Honesty and trust is very important and also a level of comfort. My wife and I have the first two, but I think it will take a while for her to develop a comfort level. It really will depend on the other guy for us. So, it will be a complex process to find the right fit.
Barista, this is a place where I have a good bit of experience. The good news, it's quite possible. The bad news, it's not easy. But then again, any relationship requires work, doesn't it? So, my experience is over our marriage of 12 years. When we got together, I was already polyamorous. I explained it to her when we got together. For the first several years, we were monogamous. After that, I found a girl online that I liked, and we started talking more. It was a long distance thing, almost exclusively online and by phone and cam. We made plans to get together, but it never worked out when she violated one of our relationship boundaries, and the relationship ended. My wife had a hard time dealing with me actually being in love with someone else, and it led to some friction in our marriage. Eventually, she had to come to a decision and sought help from a poly/kink friendly therapist about it. Her therapist (Dr. S) helped her figure out what she wanted (which was to stay with me) and how to do it. I continued to see girls occasionally, and in keeping with an established boundary, they were all long distance relationships with me occasionally traveling to be with them for a weekend or sometimes longer. Eventually, my wife went through menopause and essentially lost her sex drive. We still have sex occasionally, and enjoy it a lot when we do, but it is rare. We've come to realize that we can have intimacy without it being sexual. We shower together occasionally, we still hold hand, and hug and kiss, and we both think we have a very good marriage. She is monogamous by choice, not by my demand, and she knows if she wants to experience something outside our marriage she's free to do so. She's dealt with my gender identity very well, and we've gone out together as girlfriends several times. So, how did we do it? Communication. Yeah, it sounds simple, but it's not. We both went through counseling, both individually, and as a couple to learn to better talk to each other. We have boundaries that are firm, but flexible. What that means is that the boundaries are firm in that neither of us violates them, but flexible in that we know they can change over time. For example, one of our boundaries used to be that she didn't want to have anything to do with my girl clothes or see any of it. Over time, that boundary evolved and eventually disappeared completely. Another is that she wasn't comfortable with me dating anyone local. That one evolved to where I can date local people, but our house is OUR house and neither of us may bring anyone home here. That doesn't mean someone can't pick one of us up here or visit, but there is no sex with anyone in our home but each other. Communication helped us discuss our boundaries and helped us evolve them over time. I love my wife dearly; she really is the best thing in my life. But I know I have a lot of love and can love more than her without it being a threat to our marriage. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. The worst that will happen is that I politely decline to answer Hope that helped, Morgana
Nickw, you and your wife seem to be doing this in such a healthy way. And I think that moving slowly seems to be part of that healthiness. I guess, for my part, that's the only thing I'm not as keen on, for me I feel like this part of my life has been on hold for far too long. I don't want to move slowly... But I think you guys have a good thing going, both of you seem to be very understanding and patient about everything. ---------- Post added 9th Jun 2016 at 09:02 AM ---------- Morgana, thank you for sharing your story, there's so much wisdom and insight in there. I am working on building the idea of firm but flexible. I think this arrangement is going to be a huge challenge for us. But if we are open and kind to each other about it, I hope it will also be rewarding. I already know I need this and I will get something from it, but I hope my husband dies as well. We're seeing a counsellor soon, so that can help us sort things too I think. I have one initial question and I may come up with more .... How do you deal with jealousy and hurt in the primary relationship?
Barista It does all come down to needs for each of us. I am one of those people, that for the most part, am pretty methodical and reflective. I have a high tolerance for delaying gratification. I also love a new thing to learn. I am approaching my gay like it is something new to explore and I am willing to take my time and get it right for me. Even though I am a lot older than you, the sense of urgency is less for me than it was. I know my wife and I will stay together and we both come from extraordinarily long lived families. So, we are in it for the long long haul and this needs to be something fun for both of us or it is just not worth it to me I am finding. I get how it is different for everyone. I completely respect that. A couple years ago, the idea that I might not experience gay sex, as an adult, was frustrating to me. Now, it is not so much. It will cycle back, I know that. But, I am laying the groundwork for how to deal with it when it does next time.
