I have only recently begun to accept my sexuality. I thought I was Bi at first because I've only been in relationships with men. But I have struggled for a very long time with sex and closeness. I've only had one long term relationship which recently ended. After three years, my bf felt more like a brother than a lover. I don't want to be with men ever again. Thinking back, I knew I was gay(well something was'different') by age ten. Now, I've been trying to open myself up to what I knew along which is that I'm a lesbian. The only issue is I think I have become slightly paranoid about my attractions... I have finally allowed myself to look at women. It's something I never used to do because I was afraid that it made me a bad person. The thing is now when I look at a guy I suddenly get paranoid and uncomfortable. When I'm out, I'm constantly wondering if by thinking a guy looks okay that I'm not gay and all the soul searching I've been doing is a lie. Has anyone else had this issue?
A little bit but then I remember I'm not interested in anything deeper than how he looks. All sorts of people can catch our eye by how they look - like art but only some people appeal to us on a more significant level. If men still appeal to you sexually when you think about it, you may be bi but preferring women. Nothing wrong with that. Or maybe your attraction to men is just residual feelings you've practiced having over the years. I think we all, myself included, need to open our minds and let these unpracticed feelings for women get a chance to come to the fore so we get more accustomed to them and they feel more natural and we don't have to second guess them.
Thank you for your response. Men don't appeal to me sexually, at all. Thinking about sex with a guy makes me feel gross. Past experience has always been awkward and me wanting it to be over. I do believe I still harbor so much fear about being gay. I know I am, but I have a hard time letting go.