Hi guys n gals. I came out to three of my five sisters (I also have nine brothers) four years ago. I have registered on numerous dating websites and have been completely honest with people, but after four years I've only met one guy I really liked. He's 27 and it cost me a lot of money to meet him as I had to drive 200 miles, pay for a hotel - just for me - as he was singing in a concert in London. I talked with him very briefly afterwards but could see he needed to get away with the cast of the show. This was a week ago, and now he's ignoring my messages and I'm sure he's talking to quite a few young men, but I was only talking to him; I do get quite a few messages from other men but they're all 10/20+ years older than me and I wouldn't be attracted to them, not even 1%; either someone is beautiful or they're just nasty to look at - sorry! My parents are both Jehova's Witnesses and knock on doors every day trying to make people believe in what they do, even though not a shred of evidence exists for their, or any other religion made up by man since time begun. I know I've had a terrible childhood, and I had to get into debt when I started working at 17 just so I could pay my dad more than 50% of my income as they moved to the country without a thought for me. I've just worked and worked and even though I've known since I was 12 or so years old than I was different, I just suppressed everything the majority have a problem with and got on with work - I didn't have the brain I now have due to my parents only talking about religious matters, I could never, ever, have a conversation about anything other than religion with them I now have very low self-confidence, I'm unemployed, and even though I dream that I could be part of a relationship I see online (YouTube couples like Mark and Ethan) who just love everyday and everything is great, I just know deep down that I really am a really nice guy and do everything I can to help people whenever I can, but, I'm going to grow old and feel so alone - and I do not see why I should continue to be honest. I do not have a single friend as everyone from school now has a wife and kids (a life) and I do not. I've started to drink quite a lot of alcohol in the past few months too, which I don't want to do but feel I need to take the edge off really bad thoughts. If in four years only one guy was interested in me for a few days, then I am doomed to a very empty and lonely life where I see couples holding hands and enjoying life. I've made the effort many times to go out by myself, to try and meet people and enjoy life, but all I see is couples or groups of people with each other, and all I'm doing is watching life happen in front of me and not living it myself. I do feel that life can be great, everyday, but you need luck on your side; and I do not have any luck at all...
Coming from someone w/low self esteem, you can't have a truly successful relationship unless you love yourself...which it doesn't like you do. And I've been there and still struggle with it. I also believe when we want something so much, the universe gives us more of what we want: wanting. When we let go is quite often, when we attain it. I would take more of an interest in myself. I know that isn't the answer you want to hear, but I think it's the best thing for you. Begin therapy, look up and read books on codependency and low self esteem. Work on yourself. Love yourself. Then you'll attract the right partners. Easier said than done, I know. I'm there right now, but I'm stuck on the fence, sitting in an unhappy marriage. Do it now while you can so when you get involved, it will be with the right person and you'll have the necessary tools for a wonderful love. Just my beliefs.
Are there any activities you've enjoyed in the past? It might be fun to join a choir/running/hiking/golf/etc. group and try to just meet people. As you get to know people (as an out gay man), maybe someone will be able to hook you up with a friend, or maybe you will just meet someone as friends to do things with. There are other childless people in the world (most of my high school friends don't have kids), and it can be hard to bridge the kid/no kid gap, but it can be done if you are all willing to work around the various obstacles. 31 really isn't very old. Lots of people find long term partners in their 30s.
Heya. I have no dating experience, nor do I have experience with JW family. But I'll give you my opinions based on what you wrote (I realize I will probably have made a few assumptions based solely on a sentence or two you wrote, so forgive me if they're wrong). *You look fine. So I don't think that's an issue (although people can very shallow) *You say you've been completely honest with people. Like what's "completely honest" to you? What are you being completely honest about? If you're being completely honest that "they're just plain nasty to look at" than that's a huge no. I hate to say it, but guys can be assholes. If you're being too honest, giving too much detail, and too negative too quickly about you're religious upbringing then that may scare guys off, sadly. *Maybe your attitude? (I'm NOT saying you're doing any of the following, I'm talking in general). Calling people nasty isn't going to get you anywhere. Try being more positive, but not overly so. Personally speaking, if people I'm talking to are always being negative about other people, then I wonder if when I'm not around are they talking negatively about me? And 1% is kinda a small number eh? Love isn't just all about looks. Instead of only showing interest in model looking guys, what about the average looking guys? Maybe the average looking guys have a few really hot features (like eyes ). Compliment them on it. See if they have anything you like or feel passion about as an interest, and bring it up as a conversation starter. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm really sorry about your shitty upbringing :/ It sounds like it wasn't a very emotionally healthy childhood, and that may be affecting you now. Suppressing everything and just doing work, as you put it, isn't healthy at all. Are you still in contact your parents after they moved? Are your siblings still JW? Especially since you said you don't agree with any religion, perhaps it would be best to try and distance your self from the toxicity? I get that after suppressing your emotions and feelings for so long that you might feel like you just can't feel emotions. But I think that it would be best if you DID talk about them. And you've already started that by posting this thread. So yay! You're on the right track! I'd see if you could find a therapist in your area that spealizes in LGBT and/ex JW. Talking about your feeling would probably really help. Maybe also see if your area has groups were gay guys your age can get together in a strictly platonic setting. Maybe see if there is one for ex JWs. I hope I didn't seem too harsh, after all, suppressing yourself for so long is hard and going to impact you one way or another
This is so the truth. And some people find long term partners even past their 30s. I have a friend who met his husband when he was around 42 (I'm doing the math, because they've been together 10 years, married for 2, and he's in his early 50s). Sometimes they say you find that special person when you're not looking. I know that feels like weird advice, but I think it ties in to the idea of just going out and meeting people, period. Besides, I think you're better off working on making friends first. Romantic connections will follow.
Every single one of my siblings are anti-religion - What a surprise! I just have no idea how to make friends now, as all my old friends now have a 'life'
Hey DanD I am often accused of being a Monty Python "always look on the bright side of life" guy. So, take my comments in that vein. I am one of those old ugly guys. No offense taken. I have been married 30 plus years. While I was "looking" during a recent rough patch in my marriage, I found no shortage of potential partners. Women or men. How? I just talk to people all the time anywhere, anytime, about anything (I have mentioned this several times in other posts). Opening yourself up to others when there is no expectation of a hook up or even a friendship, still gives you an opportunity to engage and learn about others and, just as importantly, about yourself and how you relate to others. An attitude that you will not succeed will only allow you to succeed at not succeeding. That's all.
Hi Dan - I'm a fellow musician (bass player here). I think the input others have given about improving your self-esteem is important. I'll add to that that being gay is not only nothing to be ashamed of, it's awesome when that is the real you. I would encourage you (when you are fully ready) to come out and be proud of yourself. Don't do so if you aren't ready, it's not easy, but (at least from my experience coming out as bi) it can be an exhilarating, energy-giving boost if/when you are ready. One of the things I've noticed since I came out to my band and my local friends is how my existing relationships have changed (all positive except one, a couple very positive, even awesome, and the one was a sound guy who the rest of the band didn't like anyway, so no loss - he got replaced). Now that I'm out, I've met gay people at our shows that I likely never would have before. I'm not looking to date (I'm bi and happily married), but I'm meeting LGBT people now that I'm out, whereas before I hadn't. Consider it, at least, you might be surprised how that can change. Also, while I agree that finding someone attractive and compatible is important, realize that other stuff is more important than looks when you get right down to it. You need to meet people who are in the ballpark, roughly, and find one who fits right - makes you laugh, makes you want to be with them, etc. - like any good relationship. Just some thoughts from a fellow rhythm-section guy. Good luck, I wish you well!!
