I wish I was as sure as everybody else is about me

You love who you love. Isn't that so easy to hear? Alas, it's true.
And very confusing.

I'm sure the much more experienced members can provide vast more insight than a newbie like me, but I just wanted to reassure you that everything will be okay and you're right where you need to be (corny, I know, I'm one of those people).

 

COS

You may be bisexual. But, you sure seem to have a hankering for sex with men...a lot of men. This is O.K. (some of us even fantasize about it).

It sort of seems like you just don't want to stay in one place (sexually) long enough to determine if it is your thing. When sex with your wife is less than desirable, you are off with men (not women BTW) quickly. When you cannot find a romantic attachment in a male, you look for a woman. It may be that you are a hetero-romantic gay guy. But, I wonder if you really just need the right guy.

Sometimes I wonder if you don't want to be gay even though you don't have a problem with others for being gay. Is is that you really desire the daddy, suburb, minivan thing? Nothing wrong with that either. But, it doesn't seem like you really want to make that commitment either. Or, is it that you really love your wife and feel you are letting both of you down?

 

This is worded way better than I would have, so I'm going to jump on a "yes this" with Nick.

In addition, what would the harm be in just being for a bit? Leave it at "not straight" or "queer" or whatever makes you comfortable and see where your road takes you. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks you are. I mean, in all honesty, if I'd taken advantage of my short break up in college from my (now) husband and dated women, I might not have gotten back together with him. But I'm really glad I didn't do that, because I love the life we've built, even as I feel sexually constrained in our monogamous relationship.

 

As Ive struggled with figuring out my own label, I've had good friends simply state, "do you have to label yourself?" I guess I don't and neither do you. I feel a label is easier for the purpose of describing myself, but it's not necessary. I almost feel like a Kinsey scale number would suit me better. Like I'm a 4.8, maybe?

 

I can relate to this. If anyone else told me my own story, I'd tell them they were in denial about being queer... well, no, I wouldn't tell them because I'm not pushy like that but I'd think it. But when I think about myself it's always "but this" and "but that."

I think there may be many reasons to be afraid of coming out, even coming out to yourself. Even if you are not afraid of backlash per se society is very homophobic and heteronormative. It's something to consider.

 

Dude, you are sooooooo gay!

 

Your dealing with shame and interalozed homophobia, and have not yet gotten comfortable with yourself. Work on those. For starters, go have a heart to heart with your aunts. They mean a lot to you and that might be helpful if you and they can reach a good place together.

 

You're doing with yourself what I do with my sexuality in regard to my family, and even sometimes myself, admittidly. I don't want to tell them the good news until I'm ABSOLUTELY sure. I don't want to call myself a lesbian until I'm ABSOLUTELY sure. Where does this sureness come from? Is it internal acceptance, or falling in love with someone, forever, with some psychic knowledge that we are definitely this certain thing? When you married or fianced or girlfriended your (sort of?) partner now, did you feel that way? That it was forever? Things changed, it seems.

I understand what it's like to not want to let go, but this constant questioning is just an anchor you don't want to lift because you're afraid if you don't like where you drift off to, you may never be able to get back to where you were - which in someway, was comfortable. I imagine this is how it is for me, if it's not for you. It's the fear of the unknown. But it's false. You can always turn back, and even if you don't end up in the same spot (with the person you're with now, but separated from), you can at least return to what that lifestyle was like, just maybe with someone else. That's what the issue is here. Are you going to lose this person you're good with, but not great with, because you're not sure if you want to be with her or not? Maybe. Most likely, unfortunately. I think you need to trust yourself more. Trust that you feel a certain way because maybe you're not where you're supposed to be. Maybe she's not where she's supposed to be either. You can't always hold onto what is familiar because you're afraid of what you might find out.

All I can say is, life is a wild and crazy thing. You should let go of this thing you're holding onto and see where you land. Trust yourself, and trust that you will end up where you're supposed to be. What's the point of being stuck? That's where you seem to be now. Nothing good comes out of that place. Forget a label. I know they bring comfort in someway, but just go with it. If you let yourself explore, you will find out exactly who you are. Or you won't. Either one.

 

Yeh it's really scaring thinking, 'what if I'm not' what a big mistake I'll be making. It takes guts, balls and everything else to step and give it a go. But if you don't you'll be forever wondering and stuck in no mans land. What do you fantisise about? Is that an indicator? Do you allow yourself to think about men?

The absolute worst thing that could happen is you try being gay, don't like it and then you'll have clarity. The best is that you could be happy. Given everyone around you knows it suspects then you don't have to deal with any surprises. The worst you have to deal with is that friends no you are questioning and I'm sure you get credit for making steps forward if they are your friends they won't judge you, they'll be supportive I'm sure. Mine have been. Albeit there's the paranoia that they are just saying they are. You can't move backwards only forwards.

 

Titles, can be almost as frustrating as stereotyping. There may not even be a title that matches how you feel, but look up as many definitions as u can, examine yourself then when ur sure you can tell others

 

So, the question now is how to move forward really without falling back into old habits isn't it? This is the hard part. Understanding yourself and changing your behavior are two different things.

COS. I was, sort of, the prude version of you for a few years back in my early twenties. I knew I was bi and trying to decide to choose a direction. I figured I would never meet a guy to be a life partner but maybe could with a woman. While I was working this out, I accidentally, met my wife.

In our early relationship, it was open. We were FWB. So, I was able have the time to continue to work things through....I still looked for men too,for a couple years.

I get how hard this is to balance your sexual needs and your need for that long term commitment which is, sometimes, incompatible.