Marriage dilemma again ! Few more specific questions.

Take it from someone who tried to live in a heteronormal relationship for 20+ years keeping his attraction to men all to himself: eventually your real sexual identity will SCREAM to get out and the longer you hold it in, the more the pressure builds, and it is so painful. (My story is a little unique in that I'm currently happy being monogamous with my wife, but she knows where I am on the spectrum and currently we're both okay with that. That's the key... being HAPPY.)

The one factor to throw in is how important sex is to you. If you're somewhat asexual and just don't have an interest in sex, that's one thing... But if you have a strong libido and you're suppressing your sexuality to maintain appearances, it's a dirty business.

I found the amount of energy I exerted to maintain that façade to be so exhausting.

I remember when you posted about your situation before and you seem to be asking the same questions. Has anything changed between your first post and this one? I'm sure it must be frustrating living in a community where you can't be tolerated for being who you truly are. It's a hard road, but really consider the option of marrying a woman to maintain appearances. Right now, if you were to pursue a true relationship with a man that would make you happy, you'd still have to deal with your family and community... but if you drag a woman into the equation, especially without discussing with her, then you're essentially pulling the rug out from under someone else... and chances are it will happen eventually.

It must suck to know that you wouldn't have the support of your family... I can't even imagine... but are you going to let their prejudice get in the way of your life and happiness? Remember, you are not a bad person because of who you are attracted to. It is not a character flaw... you did nothing wrong... and if someone can't accept that, then that's just ignorance on their part.

Feel free to continue asking the questions though, that's how you figure things out.

 

Think real

Agree with Herewego. I am bisexual, so I am pretty satisfied with sex with a woman. But, even at that, my desires for gay sex have increased through the years. I am happily married to a woman I love. But, the urges were so strong I almost cheated with men to satiate my desires.

The urges don't go away. And, you cannot suppress them or the dishonesty to yourself and your potential wife will eventually begin to strain the relationship. I started to blame my wife for my sexual dissatisfaction...really dangerous territory.

I know the pressure to live a life that is accepted by your family and your culture. But, for some of us, no matter how hard we try, our true identity will not allow us to be happy within those constraints.

 

I'm dealing with the 20 years down the road scenario now. It was just about 20 years ago that my boyfriend (now husband) asked me to be monogamous (basically to stop playing around with my bff), which caused me to basically stop talking to her for years, since I couldn't quite figure out how to be just friends with her without being sexual (and she was getting into some rather risky behavior I was bothered by).

2 years ago, I saw her for the first time for more than a few hours, and all of the feelings came rushing back in. I spent time feeling heart broken (both for not being able to be with her and for having the feelings in the first place) and completely torn apart (as I realized I was truly bisexual), and eventually concluded that I probably wasn't as cut out for monogamy as I'd lead myself to believe.

Still working out the future, but it will definitely include my husband and family. I'm hoping we can come to some understanding that allows me (and him if he wants) some sexual contact outside of our marriage. While I am completely satisfied with him as a male partner, I miss female companionship. At this point, I am allowed to be with female friends in a close physical way, but nothing that I wouldn't do in relative public. It helps to visit with her once or twice a year and be able to cuddle, but I'm not sure it will be enough forever.

 

I don't know how it is where you're at. Are you expected to marry a woman to adapt to social conformities or can you remain single?

When you said "pull it off"...I felt awful for you. That's not how you want to spend the rest of your life, is it? By "pulling it off"?

 

I am emotionally satisfied with straight sex. I desire sex with women so I am not doing it just to procreate, or satisfy my "husband" duties. But, I still desire sex with men. It is just that I can be monogamous and be OK. But, yes the low levels of intimacy with my wife did contribute to my looking for sex outside of the marriage with both men and women.

At this time, my wife knows and she is fine with me having some gay relationships. Not necessarily sex yet. But, I can be out as a bisexual man. It is very freeing to be able to not hide this part of myself.

 

I did hetero normative for 10 years of marriage, plus 5 years before we married. It won't be enough. Eventually everything crashes down. It'll be a marriage based on lies, which will never be sustainable. Even after my marriage ended, I stayed hetero normative for 6 year, and now that I've opened up and let my inner lesbian out, I feel like the past 20 years have been such a lie that I don't truly know who I am or where I fit in. It's extremely lonely and isolating.

 

Think real

These same sex desires can be consuming. And, they will. Likely, return mid life to you as they do for so many. So, even if you try to repress them, they will, ultimately need to be either integrated into your life, as I am doing, or they may require you to change your entire life.

I should point out that I was desperately in love with my wife when we married. Enough so, that I gave up contact with my family for nearly a year because they did not approve due to religious differences. I continued to love her with this intensity for 30 years. Even with this, my sexual needs were strong enough to almost destroy it all. So, I think we kid ourselves when we say we can overcome those needs and make them less important or set them aside.

What I do know now, is that I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have been in my whole life by completely accepting my sexuality and being completely open with my life partner. Anything less than this and I am afraid you will be selling yourself short.