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Heart broken lonely and guilty

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bright skies, Jun 13, 2016.

  1. bright skies

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    My life feels pretty much in turmoil right now, I never imagined I'd end up feeling this way about another woman. I've been in a very long relationship with a man who loves me with all he has, we have 4 children and our relationship has had its issues so we were not as close as we once were. Last July I met this gay woman at work when she started volunteering and had never felt such excitement at meeting someone. We became good friends, spoke most days and became quite flirty. My partner worked away and I saw him on weekends sometimes fortnightly.

    In August I had strong desires to spend time with this friend, think about her more than anything else, counted down the days I'd see her and started to realised I was developing feelings for her. In October she kissed me and very quickly we fell head over heels in love. I can honestly say since knowing her I hadn't felt so happy in years. I know what I was doing was wrong but I was swept away with my feelings, I never imagined I'd fall this in love with her. Initially I thought I was just satisfying a lifetime of curiosity.

    My partner and some people close to me picked up in my behaviour leading me to tell him I was questioning my sexuality. This has created so much hurt for him and has made me feel so confused about who I am. He gave up his job and moved back home as he thought it would bring us closer, it led to me seeing or speaking to my friend less and she found it hard.

    My daughter of 15 has heard my partner shouting and arguing with me over my friendship with my gay friend and god knows what else. She has warned me if I come out as a lesbian she will move out with her dad as she couldn't cope with feeling so embarrassed when asked why her parents split up.

    All along I was hoping I'd end up in a proper relationship with my friend and my partner needed time to adjust and except a different relationship with me which would take time. I was worried he would kill himself if I left him. I love him very much but I'm not in love with him. He said I've made him feel like a rubbish man. Daily I have a rush of emotions running through me, the guilt the questioning of who I am, the worry of my families feelings and happiness. I told my friend I wouldn't leave my partner whilst my children were young, I could see that made her sad but she understood.

    We'd discussed many times ending the romantic relationship we had developed and continuing as friends for everyone's sakes but was never strong enough to do it. 3 weeks ago she said she thought it best we should be just friends as she plans to go off travelling for a few years and even if I left my partner our relationship would be strained when she travels which wouldn't be fair on me. I work with her a few times a week and the first week I coped well but the last 2 weeks I'm so so hurt, every day my heart feels like it's being squashed. I can't function at home or at work and I can't hide my feelings. I just don't know what to do, I swing from being hard on myself and thinking it's karma to feeling bitter and angry. My partner tells me he knows I feel for my friend more than I say and can see when we are not getting on how sad it makes me, he's told me if he didn't love me as much as he does he'd leave me so I could be happy. I dong even know if that would make me happy anyway. I cannot tell him the extent of my feeling and that kills me that I even feel this way.it serves me right for living in a fantasy word for the last year. She wants to remain friends but I'm finding it hard as it's not the same between us. I keep feeling jealous that she may have found someone else and I cry every day. :tears::help: My friend has said she thinks she will love me forever, I am her first love and will always be important to her. I feel like I will also love her forever. It's tearing me apart.
     
  2. Butterfly2016

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    You poor girl :frowning2: I know exactly how you're feeling. I'm married to a man right now and more than anything I wanna venture out to find a woman to fall in love with, but I don't wanna hurt him. I wasn't raised to cheat. Thats just how I am. It can be hard to find that thin line between doing whats right for yourself and morality. My best advice for you would be if you have a stable job, go ahead and divorce and be yourself :slight_smile: I wanna do that someday. If I ever find work. Its tough around here.
     
  3. bright skies

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    Thank you, I just have nobody I can talk to and I feel like I'm going insane! I've been trying to put everyone else's feelings first but it's not working. I have been with my partner since I was 15yrs old, I have never ever once cheated on him until now and I can't tell you how mad I am with myself. I just feel like such an awful human right now. But falling in love with her and the time we shared together was beautiful! I just don't know if I can continue to be friends when it's hurting so bad and I just want to be back to how we were. I am so lucky to have a man who loves me as much as he does, I wish I could fall in love with him again, but I am so deeply in love with my friend.
     
  4. Butterfly2016

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    My husband loves me too. Very deeply. And he kinda already knows what I am. Sometimes he even encourages me to go find a woman. But for some reason, I just can't make myself do it. Even though I know I should.
     
  5. bright skies

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    My partner knows I am trying to protect his feelings, he tells me I'm in denial and I'm much more gay than I say or even realise. He has found it so hard to deal with and is hurting so bad which makes me feel so bad.
     
  6. Butterfly2016

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    Would it be possible for you and your husband to go back to being friends? Mine said he would be glad to keep being my friend if I got the chance to be myself. And I do think of him as my best friend.
     
  7. Justasking100

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    You have to do what's right for you. People adapt to people who come out. I'm sure your daughter would love you no matter what, but you can't suppress who you really are.
     
  8. caliwoman

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    You and I are twins, Butterfly. Exact same predicament.

    OP, I'm so sorry you're hurting! My heart goes out to you.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jun 2016 at 08:23 AM ----------

    This has been very much like my husband. I feel like one of us is going to be heartbroken. I'm going to be heartbroken if I stay with him. He's going to hearbroken if I leave him.

    Do you feel the same?
     
  9. Butterfly2016

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    Thank you. I'm sorry you got caught up in it too. I'm hoping someday someone will give us a way to get out of our messes. I just want my real life back..
     
  10. caliwoman

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    I can relate to everything you said.
     
  11. bright skies

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    It's a suggestion I've made but he can't just be friends, seeing as I'm going through this with this woman I know how he feels. He says I can speak to him and he wants to be there for me no matter how much it hurts him, seeing him cry and knowing I done that is terrible. For now now I'd rather be hurting than causing his hurt and that of my children's.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jun 2016 at 07:52 AM ----------

    That is exactly how I feel right now, I just want to feel happy and normal again, I'm emotionally drained.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jun 2016 at 07:56 AM ----------

    Yes exactly the same here! I either choose to make him happy or myself. I also have this other complication I'm actually in love with someone else and think about her day and night. So although I'm with him I'm not really with him and it shows. I just don't know what to do for the best, our family unit is his life, his parents have died and he isn't close to other family members. I'm also extremely scared of a future without him as it's always been him and I my whole adult life.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jun 2016 at 07:59 AM ----------