Tonight, my wife and I agreed to move ahead with the divorce. We still love each other, but it hasn't been a marriage for a long time now. I feel a sense of relief along with grief and trepidation about the future. There are a lot of thoughts racing through my head right now. I guess I have the opportunity to restart my life. I've been stuck for quite awhile now, so that is a good thing. I'm just tired of living the way I have been: nothing but anxiety, sadness, confusion, guilt and escapism. I know I'm gay. I've always known but hoped for some kind of miracle to make it go away. I either have to embrace it or spend the rest of my life in misery and self-loathing. I'm not sure how, but I believe I have the capacity to build some fulfilling relationships, and learn how to have fun without being self-conscious. All the analysis and rumination and questioning has to stop. It does me no good. It's time to find a way to practice acceptance.
Sorry to hear about this, yet happy to hear about it. Sounds like the mutual decision with your wife may be what you needed. Now that it is done, no looking back. Every step forward.
I second what NickW said. I'm sorry for the loss of your marriage and I hope you and your wife can reflect on the time you had together and can still be in each others lives. You are going through a loss. Take the time to mourn. I know you've struggled for a long time and I'm proud of you for having the courage to take this step. I wish you tons of love and support through this process. I truly hope you find the happiness you deserve and the self loathing and pain subsides. (*hug*)
I'm glad that you were able to find resolution regarding your divorce. I know that ending a marriage is bittersweet, and I also know there is a pot of gold over the rainbow. A priceless treasure of living authentically and being who we were born to be. I remember an episode of Star Trek TNG where Q gave Picard a second chance at life. Picard learned that by not embracing his true self (the brashness of his youth) that he never got noticed and became a boring assistant astrophysics officer rather than the Captain of the Enterprise. By the end of the episode, he realized that he would rather die the man he was meant to be rather than living out the boring life of the man he thought he wanted to be. Nobody starts their journey wanting to be gay. Who would want to be the target of hatred and homophobia? I now see things totally differently. I cannot change the fact that I'm gay, so I started to focus on what I could control and learned to accept myself. Today I'm glad that I get to be gay because this is who I am. All emotional pain comes from resistance to what is. Surrender to your reality that you are gay and your pain will go away. Your sexuality is like your eye color or height. It's an attribute about yourself that you cannot change. It's not a choice, so you should not feel bad about making the wrong choice. Trying to change or deny your sexuality is futile and does not help you. Life is so much better once you stop resisting. Accept and love yourself for who you are.
It is sad, but it's also good that you've both arrived at this point by mutual agreement with love and affection in tact. If you still respect each other and want the best for each other, the formal process will be so much easier. The worst thing would be to have an acrimonious split with all of the hurt and turmoil that goes with it. The anxiety, doubt, confusion and questioning is all part of the process of self acceptance, coming out and living the authentic life that SiennaFire referred to above. It's not easy, but we all go through it at some point and it doesn't matter if we begin our journey at 16 or 60. Societal attitudes have changed considerably in the last few years and that's lead to a significant increase in the number of 'mature' people who are coming out. The good thing about this is that lots of people over 30 are now looking for the same fresh start in life... and they have the same anxieties too. I am sure the potential to find happiness is there for you, if you choose to embrace it.
Thanks to everyone for your support. It's been a strange day, emotionally speaking. I've spent the past two years consumed with one problem -- restart the marriage or end it? Now that the question appears to be settled, I don't know what to do with myself. I no longer feel a sense of guilt or obligation towards my wife, which I think was inhibiting me a lot. But I also don't feel any particular drive or desire to move forward; I guess I'm sort of shellshocked with freedom. Where do I start?
"Where to start?" Hmmm. Thirty something thoughtful guy. Wit and a dry sense of humor. NYC. Gay. Do.the.math.
The only advice i can give you, as far as self acceptance is concerned, Is to just simply, just be you. You are who you are, and it's OK to just be who you are ;-)
Get a couple of guys together for brunch! I'm sure you know a few guys who that would be enjoyable with! :icon_wink:lol:
See this is why I'm going to have trouble finding a FWB. I don't know the terms. You kids are calling it "brunch" now?:icon_redf
