I'm still really feeling so much pain and hurt as I think about what happened in Orlando. And I think what makes this pain so palpable, for me at least, among some very intense emotions, is my feeling that these are my people, this is my community. This has always been my community, my family, but it has only been recently that I let myself become a part of it. And the feeling of warmth and strength that comes from being part of this community, also has an inverse effect; the pain and the anger unleashed on these fifty innocent people, I feel it, I feel the hurt of it. Yesterday in therapy, I was struck with something that reminded me of an exchange I had with greatwhale on here. Here, on EC, I said that the reason I feel so tied to my queer identity is that this identity represents my journey to self acceptance. Greatwhale said that's what ties us all together, that's what makes us a community, we all have in common this journey. In therapy, when I'd finished the session, and I was just chatting with my therapist he mentioned that he'd spent most of his life pretending he was something he wasn't, even though he'd known from a young age who he is. I wanted to start a thread, to think about this part of us that makes us a community. Let's share our stories here, about our journeys to self acceptance. anything that you want to share - A feeling of strength, vulnerability, something new you're learning about yourself... I'll start - my journey to self acceptance includes understanding that I have value. That my voice and my needs matter. I often find I make big strides in growth when I recognize some aspect of that worth and value and I fight for it. I find I'm always learning this, even in small things, like simply giving myself the permission to be angry or unhappy or not a perfect mom.... This is one of the most powerful things that kept me in the closet. I didn't believe in my own feelings, my own needs, enough to say I feel x, therefore I need x and I want to explore x. It has been a powerful prison for my soul. What do you want to share? Let's all share.
What you said in that last paragraph completely describes how I've felt lately. My journey to self acceptance is understanding how I could brush away 20 years of feelings, box them up, and not care enough about my own needs to acknowledge them. I've torn open those boxes lately, but trying to deal with what's in them is rough. How much of myself have I hidden, boxed away, and kept from others? Who is hiding in there? I want to know that person better.
Barista Wonderful idea. Somewhere, over the years, I let my sense of humor and absurdity diminish. I replaced it with anger. Now, I know that sense of humor and playfulness can be out again. It is my gay and I am damn frickin happy about it!
I know about that box, I've had (have?) my own. It's scary to open that box, but it's also very freeing. ---------- Post added 14th Jun 2016 at 10:47 PM ---------- Nickw - yes, I feel like I have a quirky eccentric me that has been hidden along with queer me. But now I want to embrace and enjoy it all!
All of us who are out have gone through this initiation without a ritual, a commonality of experience without a specific form. We all have a sense of what each of us has been through, and we are willing to share it, if asked, but it is often so personal and so private. Not so long ago, we met each other in the shadows, behind closed doors, unheard and not spoken of. That's now done, and we need to find still more courage to be ourselves, in public. If I can marry, I should be able to kiss my spouse, or boyfriend, in public, no questions asked. To me, the greatest pillar of all courage is to not feel alone, to find others like ourselves who have been through the years of questioning, abuse, and self-denial. The events in Orlando underline what we already knew before this enormity: that pride events and being visible are more important than ever.
Hi Baristajedi, Another lovely idea from you. I thought I would share something I have recently (days ago) done as part of my therapy. I was asked to identify my deepest values. Here goes, this is what I wrote on a piece of paper: Love Loving kindness Gentleness Authenticity Finding beauty in life Modesty - don't take yourself too seriously Co-operation M
Greatwhale, so much of what you are saying here strikes so many deep chords for me. This commonality of experience without a specific form...i can't believe how alone I felt until the first day I posted here on EC. But this commonality that I found here, and later through reaching out to others in my local community; In this commonality, I felt like I was understood, being embraced, seen and heard for the first time. That's such a powerful and healing feeling that I carry with me all the time now. Meeting in the shadows; I myself have only had the shadows of my inner world, this inner place where I kept everything hidden. There were those feelings I almost let myself experience and enjoy. So our community has largely come out of the shadows, but this experience is still there in many ways. And being gay in public, being visible; this is something that has been hurting me deeply, this attack is a reminder of just how needed this fight is. It's inspiring me to make myself as visible as I can. I posted twice about my personal experience on Facebook now. And I believe this has driven it home for me, I can't afford to be silent anymore. It does the community no justice for me to keep silent. I feel in your post the raw emotion that I think I share. It's palpable the pain of what's happened in Orlando. ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2016 at 07:53 AM ---------- Malcstep, this is a great exercise. I want have a think about this and add mine. Thanks for sharing that.
