I am 45. I just accepted my orientation about two weeks ago.. The more I accepted, the more I could see attraction in guys. I have had all "straight" relationships in my life, but almost had a gay relationship around 18-19. I was molested by one guy outside a bar while stationed overseas, and that did not go well. So, been married 20 years, and this acceptance opened a "floodgate". I was getting a lot of attention from guys who liked me on this dating site. being married, I wanted to tell my wife about the tendencies and stronger urges, but this is also immoral and shunned in our belief system. I was on medication that can cause you to be much more impulsive than you normally can be, so I kept moving forward exploring this. I had to know if it was real by meeting a guy. If I was comfortable on a date, and being close, I would know for sure before coming forward with only confused feelings.. when I met him, I let him go all the way, mainly with passion, experimentation, and lack of impulsive control. Now it is out in the open with my wife and I am on the edge of a cliff hanging by a thread in our marriage. 4 kids are needing father. The religion is important in our lives, so the marriage and family is very conservative. I was feeling happy because I felt I could express myself fully, but guilty that I cheated and lied. I hate being labeled as such. Now, I am trying to keep the important things in life close to me, but I am not trusted and my spouse is working with me to control this and is convinced I am really not bisexual. Now, I am responsible for tearing the family fabric and have this part that is going to remain thirsty. This is probably a familiar story. If I had really understood myself before marriage, I would have told her. I was used to dismissing any gay thoughts, so I was able to be monogamous and straight all this time without any problems. I am going to see a psych at the VA who specializes in LGBT issues. It sounds like they will help me come out, but I did make commitments to my church and my God. My parents and sister are supportive, but that is it. Any thoughts or resources to read? I got off the medication, but I still need to resolve this with everything/everyone I affected.
Re: Just opened up and already made a bgi mistake Hey Biguy Thanks for re-posting this on your "own" thread. It is more likely other guys in the similar situations can catch it. This forum moves pretty fast sometimes! In reviewing your post, it is a bit unclear to me if you are bisexual or gay? Do you have any idea where you stand on the theoretical Kinsey Scale? I am a 2, which means I like guys (a lot), but I like women a bit more. How you come out really depends on what your sexual needs and desires really are. It is good to see you are planning on therapy. It is a good idea to really understand your sexuality yourself before you start coming "out" to others and trying to figure out what to do. I know you have started the discussion with your wife. But, it is not unrealistic to take a deep breath right now, slow down and don't panic. Therapy will help you with the tools to do that. Myself...when I almost cheated...( As I said, I was 5 minutes from your story), the first thing I did was talk to a therapist. I had spent the night crying and walking around town and almost called my wife to let it all out. Instead, I worked with my therapist for a couple months to really understand what caused me to risk my marriage before having the big talk with my wife. At this point, you can still take a time out. Let your wife know you need to sort things out with some therapy. Emotions may be really raw right now and I sense some distress in what you write. The first thing you MUST do is to take care of yourself right now and set aside the self blaming.
Hi BiGuy, welcome to EC. This is a really welcoming, supportive place. First, I agree with Nick, to try to curb the self blame. You have been living your whole life pushing down these feelings, it was bound to come to the surface at some point. I understand that this is painful for you and your wife. Perhaps therapy would be good for her as well. I'm glad you're seeking therapy. It's really important right now that you understand that there is nothing wrong or unnatural in what you feel. Maybe therapy can help you come to a place where you accept who you are. Do you want to stay with your wife? I think that it's important to think about how you can embrace yourself within whatever path you ultimately choose. But first, take a step back. Breathe. And focus on taking care of you. Keep posting, we're all here to support you.
Biguy, My heart goes out to you!! I'm sure the more experienced members could assist you better than I could- as I only recently ID'd as bisexual- but I just wanted to say that I'm here if you ever need an ear. And also, to emphasize that you did the best you could at the moment. I'm married to a man and have been for over 13 years; what he couldn't possibly understand is that the sexual desire I have for a woman is not just being horny. It isn't a matter of screwing around for me; that would be if I just had an affair w/a man. No, what I want with a member of the same-sex is a primal urge. An ache. An unshakable desire. It takes all of my will to remain faithful, just I'm sure that it took yours, all of those years. As Nick said, therapy would be a great option to begin with, as it sounds like the first person you need to forgive is yourself. Many hugs to you!!
Thanks all. I was going to wait to talk to my wife to approach it wisely. She found out anyway so it blew up in a mess. She questions my every move now. Cali, there was this strong primal urge that pushed me to it. So, I know what you mean. I wish I could get a hug because I am not getting them now. Barista, I love my wife for fighting for me and for all she does. What I was starting to look for was a good BF, but that doesn't fit our family. Since I am not getting attention from the wife, the natural tendency is to go to a good man to comfort me. Nick, I tried the Kinsey scale and it was a 3. Although, I think of myself as preferring women, but I guess that waivers. I always thought women are the most beautiful creatures on this planet. I see something else in men..
Bi, do you put yourself as preferring women because of faith or from true emotional feelings? It's hard when you have trouble accepting yourself. It's also hard when you have a wife and family. I have been married for 17 years now. I was in a very deep depressive state for many of those years because I knew where my feelings were. I couldn't show/give my wife the attention I knew she deserved. Intimacy was very much lacking in our marriage. Since coming out to my wife (it was very hard in the beginning), we have an open marriage at the moment, waiting to get things better in order before we divorce. We have one son age 14. My wife and I both have boyfriends, and we're actually both very happy with what we have now. We are closer now than we have probably been in the last 10 years. We actually spend time comparing notes and talking about how things are going with each of us. The biggest obstacle is learning to be accepting of yourself. Since going through this, I have actually been able to get off my antidepressant meds and am very much happier now. I have accepted who I am and have become very comfortable with it. I wish you the best my friend, I'm glad you found us here in EC. (*hug*)
Did she find out on her own or did you come clean? Regardless, you will need the privacy, in therapy, to discuss these issues. However, couples therapy to help with communication may be a really good idea as Barista has pointed out. Was your lack of intimacy with your wife a new thing and what caused it? What was your sex life like before this lack of intimacy?
Biguy … I'd like to address your church. I understand it's part of your family network. Any religion almost always proclaims that it's the one true way. But how can this be, w so many religions having different positions, for example on glbtq acceptance. I'm also remembering the adage "to thine own self be true", which may be more important than a belief system that you don't resonate with. I'm sure your religion has some good things. May you take what is good, & leave the rest. Your own inner truth is most important.
I guess it is the difference between beauty and handsome. Maybe it is more emotional than sexual with guys. I tend to look more at the face of a guy than the "whole package" visually. I tend to connect emotionally pretty easily with guys, but women seem a little harder to connect emotionally at first. With both, good intelligent conversation and affection are what I connect most with.
Intimacy was getting worse basically. I don't want to confuse my younger kids, I do respect, admire , and love my wife. She is asking me now if she is "enough". She is asking me now if I am in love with her or devoted only to her. I have to make sure I this is not just something I want to explore for a while or if this going to be what makes me happy for the rest of my life, or will I regret putting down 20 years and 4 kids that need a stable home. Ideally, for sexual satisfaction, I would like to have a BF. Yet, I need to uphold traditional family values and let my kids make their own choice before just following my footsteps because I am their dad. If I get too unhappy and can't do this, then I will have to move on. However, it is not right to break apart a family. I just don't see how I can be a devoted father and run around with a boyfriend too. I do think the preference for women may be the way I was raised and the way I trained myself. Not necessarily a bad thing if I want to stay devoted to my church, but will I always be frustrated the rest of my life? ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2016 at 03:08 PM ---------- She found out I was up to something and I confessed what it was. intimacy got worse more recently. The weird part is, I had a lot more passion in sex with here after I expressed my gay relationship. It was like I could more easily fully express myself. Sex life was ok before. There was a period it was pretty good.
Do you believe homosexuality is a sin? If one of your kids said "Dad, I am gay"!, how would you feel? I know that you said you accepted your bisexuality. But, would you accept yourself if you are really gay? Sometimes we will think that it is easier to accept our sexuality a little bit at a time by pausing at bi. I think a really important question to answer is this... If your kids were grown, and your religion allowed it, what would you do? Would you rather be with a man or with a woman?
Reading what your wife said sounds familiar to me. My girlfriend isn't ready to come out yet and is normally more attracted to guys than ladies. It is something I've been wondering. Could I ever be enough? Could it be that she doesn't mind your sexuality so much as the cheating? I think I'd probably react in a similar manner. It's never pleasant to be cheated on because you start questioning everything. It's especially hard to deal with such an emotional blow when you have children whose needs you need to consider and you can't just take some time off. Have you considered talking to a GLBT+ friendly priest/rabbi/etc.? Since religion seems to be a major part of your life, maybe that could help. Seeing how you can reconcile your sexuality with the rest of your values. I don't know about the situation where you live, but here such priests exist and are happy to help. BTW, as a child of divorce, I find it really impressive that you're trying to be a good father even though you're going through a difficult time. I'm sure they're going to appreciate that when they're older. But you should never forget your own happiness. If you find that life without a boyfriend is unbearable for you, you should think of yourself first, I feel. I'm sure a happy dad will also lead to happier kids.
My daughter already said she thought she was lesbian or bi a couple of years ago. I didn't shun her for it. The wife told her she was confused, just as she is telling me. I asked recently if she still felt that way. She wants to wait until she out of HS to see if it is real. I would most likely explore more freely in your hypothetical situation. It really depends on the woman or man honestly. I favor toward a woman because that is what I comfortable with. I never had LTR or even any serious relationships with a guy, so it is not like I can compare differences. ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2016 at 09:17 AM ---------- She denies this category or preference in me, but thanks for the support options. I am sorry to hear of the divorce. I don't want my issues to ruin their lives.
I will take you at your word that you believe you are bisexual and not gay. But, I am still not convinced from what you have written. You described your relationship with your wife as love and respect. But, I don't think you have mentioned that you desire her. I desire my wife...she makes me hot and I think about sex with her a lot! So, when I look at what my emotional and sexual intimacy needs are, I know that I can be satisfied with this relationship. It doesn't mean I don't WANT more. I do. Sex with a guy would be an addition to my life that I seek. But, only in the context of my marriage. If you feel that way you may be able to work with your wife as I am. But, I sense from you that you may NEED the intimacy with another man. Either way, the same sex desires will not go away and you will not be happy until you accept that and find a way to address them. I accept myself as gay even though I am bisexual. I think it is important to accept and embrace your gay.
Since I talked to my wife, I have had really good intimate sex with her. I do have some ED going on, but we are getting through that. I had trouble desiring her for a while, but we have also opened up a little more sexually. I want her more now. I was taken medicine that made me horny basically. It was to treat Parkinson's. I just had my first gay date text me today. I was basically putting it behind me, but when he said he wanted me for another hot date, it did stir up feelings. However, even though he did offer to basically be a FWB, I don't want to act on that and ruin trust and love of my wife and family. I also made covenants to God and I am big trouble once I came clean to my Bishop. Maybe I am gay. Maybe I went too far now, because I have "tasted the other fruit" ; and will struggle to be heterosexual. Yet, it will be the end of my family life otherwise. A counselor told me just wanting to have sex with men is not gay, just sex. If I romanticize having a serious relationship with one, that is gay. She said it truly sounded like I could go either way by choice, but not just "born that way'.
It is pretty common when you begin discussing your sexuality to become more aroused in general. Both you and your wife. My admission to my wife, I was bi, provided more sex in two weeks than in the last year. Many families survive this and flourish. The important thing is to be true to your wife and to yourself. Your gay date did stir up feelings because you desire sex with him. You may be gay, you may be bi, but, you are not straight. I don't know how to say this except that she is wrong. Was this a LGBT friendly therapist or a church friendly therapist? Many of us try to rationalize away or wish away our same sex attractions. I grew up Catholic. No one prayed harder, or wished it wasn't so as much as I did. I even considered priesthood to get away from the thoughts. Even with my acceptance of my sexuality, I still have never had sex with a man as an adult. But, I know with 100% certainty that I am bi and I am not afraid to call it gay because the desires are not optional. They are a part of me that had no beginning...always been there. Sexual and romantic attractions are triggered in the same area of the brain. While you can love a woman and enjoy sex with her, or enjoy sex with a man but not be in love with him, your sexual orientation is not straight. You cannot fool your sexual attractions and that is what defines your sexual orientation. Here I am mid-fifties and happily married and I will be having gay sex in the next year or so because I will not be completely happy if I don't...my wife is accepting of this. If your wife cannot accept this within your marriage, or you cannot find some other way to express your sexuality (some bisexuals can be fulfilled in a straight marriage), you may not ever be able to live true to yourself. This is if you are bisexual. If you are gay, you probably will not be happy without the relationship of a man. I recommend changing therapists to someone really experienced in LGBT issues and really understanding your sexuality. I am being a bit direct here. But, it would be a really bad idea for you to try to suppress what you are learning about yourself. This whole process of coming out to yourself and to your family is tough. I, truly, hope for you the best and keep posting here as you work through this.
