As I mentioned in another post, I had an initial counselling session yesterday, and it brought some emotions to the surface. I just want to throw these things out there without a lot of initial reflection, and maybe you guys have thoughts or insights.... And I could use the thread as a space to reflect bit by bit. --- So here are some things that seemed notable: - When I tell my story about acknowledging my being queer, I still cry a bit, the lump forms in my throat, and all of this emotion comes bubbling up. Even with feeling more generally positive and confident, I still have that intense emotional reaction. - my counsellor felt compelled on several occasions to remind me - your thoughts have worth and they are valid. Your feelings count. Etc. - I was very choked up, as usual, in talking about my sexual abuse. It was hard to get the words out because of it. - when he asked me about how I felt about women I brought up a few stories about women I'd been in love with. The feelings that arose in my chest were really strong. - when I described my perception of those relationships with those women, I said. I now know I was in love, I realise it now, but at the time I just thought they were "unhealthy friendships". That description - unhealthy friendships - struck a chord in me as I said it out loud, and I can't quite put my finger fully on what I take from that. - We talked about how I've always felt like i thought things have to be 100% in order for them to make sense, and that I often spent a lot of time convincing myself that I was certain about things I really wasn't. For example - telling myself "I'm so in love with my boyfriend", convincing myself that that is true even though my feelings were much more ambivalent. Similarly, when defining my sexuality when I was younger, I sort of thought I had to have everything figured out, that not knowing or questioning just simply didn't make sense. (I'm not sure if that last one makes much sense...) That's about it...If you guys have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
So many similar things... I love reading your posts. Keep up your venting. I'm at a point where I think I'm learning to feel. I've boxed up all feelings I was afraid of for so long. It's time to acknowledge them and feel them. Some are wonderful, like the amazing feelings I have when I'm with a woman I'm interested in. Others are hard, like the feelings of being alone, not knowing any other lesbians, and the fears I have of being judged.
Yes, the box. It's a prison...I think that I have so tightly held that box shut that I don't even realise sometimes how much emotion is in there.
I can relate to all of this. I had similar friendships with women which I refused to acknowledge as me being in love with them, only instead of calling them "unhealthy friendships" I called them "intense friendships". I also felt everything had to be 100% in order to be certain, and if I couldn't divide everything neatly into good or bad then I panicked. Just a couple of days ago, my therapist and I were discussing how I really struggle to cope with uncertainty, and how this is making my potential new relationship with a woman I have met a source of great anxiety for me, because neither of us know whether it will develop into something more than friendship at this stage. I also wanted to ask, during these periods of change and uncertainty, is anyone else here experiencing quite a bit of physical pain too? When I first separated from my husband, I felt emotionally stunned but physically OK. However as the months have gone by, maybe now I am feeling the lack of his presence more acutely, and realising this is for ever, it's not just a temporary separation like when he was away on business. I am getting a lot of back pain, which is not related to any activities I am doing, and is not relieved by going to the osteopath. I read on a website about the stages of grief, that in addition to anger, denial, depression etc it can also be common to experience intense fatigue and back and neck pain. Maybe I should post this as a new thread.
