Dear all I'm a new member and I come with a bit of a conundrum. My girlfriend and I met online last year. We started out as sex buddies. We instantly felt an attraction towards one another and a strong emotional bond. Personally, I've always known I'm bisexual and it's never been an issue for me ever. It's like the colour of my eyes or the arch of my foot. It just is. My girlfriend was in a real life, sexual relationship with a girl as a teenager and in her early twenties, but has always identified as straight. She has never been in an actual relationship with a man, but one emotional one online and a sexual one on Skype/cam which has only ended recently. I went to visit her for the first time a few weeks ago and lived at her place during that time. I fully realised then that I am in love with her. And she also confessed her love for me. For her coming out is really hard, even to herself. I must admit that I simply cannot understand her fears and concerns fully because coming out has been so easy and natural for me. I would like to learn how best to support her. Any ideas, anyone? To complicate matters further, we are now in a long distance relationship. We are both unemployed and struggling with depression to a certain degree. Also, for her it's hard to understand that whilst I identify as bisexual, I can now only really have relationships with women. I was sexually and emotionally abused by my ex-boyfriend and that has left certain wounds. She thinks that I despise the side of her that is attracted to men. It's more... that I am just so scared of the thought of sleeping with a man that everything inside of me struggles at any thought related to that at all. I am also worried about losing her to a man because she might never be okay with me being a girl. Her doubting her sexuality makes me feel like maybe I'm not good enough. I never feel good enough anyway. And that puts pressure on her, I think. Which I don't want because that's certainly not helping. I'm just unsure how to deal with all of this. I know it all sounds weird and confusing, so if you need any more information, please do not hesitate to ask! I'd love to get some advice. Or hugs. Thank you all!
Fellow new member and aforementioned girlfriend here (bear with me, this is new, as in like, DAYS, so even using the term for me is a big step, woo). I'll be back to post more later but if you have any questions or advice for us, it would be really great. Oh, and it might be helpful to know that we're many-hours-on-a-plane and an ocean apart.
Wow. That's a lot of coping to do at once, but I'll put in my two cents.... First, you need to both learn to accept each other's sexuality as you state them. Only the person living in the body and experiencing those feelings. Accept each other's feelings as they are expressed. Second, talk to each other in "I" statements. "I need.., I feel...", etc. It will help with preventing blaming. Third, if you need to, explore your sexuality together. Watch videos of different genders and talk about how you feel toward them (they don't need to be Porn or anything, just something to watch). You have each other to lean on, even of you are an ocean apart. Support and comfort each other. Vent when you need to. Understand that you're going through similar things. As for coming out, one has to come to terms with themself before they can come out to anyone else. My thought was "I want to be able to talk about my love to anyone, therefore I need to come out." It hasnt been super easy, but I needed to do it. Others are more comfortable keeping to themselves. That is a find your own path type of thing. Good luck. Keep posting and reading. It helps a lot.
Kochanie You can help her by working on your own self esteem. We communicate a lot through body language. (Even in video) So if you're anxious all the time even if you don't say anything she's probably going to pick up on it. Whether she chooses to stay with you or not isn't in your control. You can spend time with her in constant fear that she's going to leave, or you can let go and just enjoy the time you have with her whether she chooses to stay with you permanently or not. Right now she's in your life. Right now you are important enough to her that's she's questioning her sexuality. Cherrybelle You're in a whirlwind of change. Take all the time you need to sort through your feelings. And find some local support if possible. I would start saving for a visit now. I think eventually you will feel the need for a physical confirmation of your feelings, it's better to be prepared now than wishing you'd planned ahead and having to wait. Good luck to you both.
RosePetals76 Thank you for your warm words of support. I try to use my 'I feel' statements, but sometimes I do forget and that's something I should definitely work on. I find it helps in communicating with others in a respectful manner. I also like your suggestion of watching something together and seeing how we feel about different people. Thank you so much! Bunny45 We have already met and had a physical relationship. You are right that her questioning her sexuality because of me is a huge thing. I guess it's just that I can't fully appreciate how enormous it is for her because it was so easy for me. I grew up in a liberal country with liberal laws regarding same sex marriage. It's just... Hard for me to understand. I'm doing my best to rein in my own insecurities, but some days are easier than others. She also did something recently that was very painful for me and which destroyed a lot of my trust and confidence. So that also plays a role. Thank you for your advice.
Rosepetals76: At least it's not us that thinks it's confusing! It's funny, because we never intended to have a relationship except basically online friends with chat sex (and then phone, etc). We were really far apart, I always said I could do casual only, pretty much thought I was straight (which we'd actually talked about really early), and she didn't think she could ever love anyone again at all (and expressed as much early on, due to her piece of shit ex). Needless to say, it's a bit of a unique situation. I think you're right, it's probably good to accept each other's feelings as they are expressed, both in terms of sexuality, but just...in general. That might be easier for me to say, though. We try and use "I" statements, especially when she reminds me, but we probably forget sometimes. Haha. Exploring our sexuality together is something maybe we can try some more. We have explored f/f porn gifs together but that was more in terms of things we'd like to do to each other. Maybe it would be worth taking the time to see how we feel about other aspects of sexuality, not just porn, and not just f/f. We did actually write m/m stories way back when, so...who knows. We're both kind of all over the place! I'm terrified of coming out. I love her, but I don't know if I can do it. And it's terrible to have to say that to someone you love, but this is so big, and so new, and so....aaaaaah. I don't even know what label fits me best. Despite having a sexual/emotional (but not official) relationship with a girl when I was young, I always really liked guys, and just thought that's how things would turn out, despite the fact I've never dated one. I guess I figured I was mostly straight with...not having an issue being with a women when it happened, but not actively looking for/wanting to date one? Needless to say, it's all a bit convoluted in my head. But we're trying, and I thank you for your kind words and help! Bunny45: Thankfully, when she was here, we were able to exlpore the physical side of things and that went very well. I am unfortunately still not comfortable with the more public side of the physicality, but it's something I'd have to work on long term. We have been struggling with taking time to sort out our feelings - we're not 18, and live so far apart, so feel like decisions need to be make quicker than maybe we would if we were younger. Which I think is harder on me, because I feel like I need to make the decisions, or I'm the "gatekeeper" for some of them, and sometimes I just...don't know things and can't finalize an answer. Although perhaps it's harder for her, as she's waiting on me for a decision to decide whether she's going to turn her current life upside down at some point (moving, etc.) Thank you for your luck!
