20 years difference am I crazy

I would comment but I am unsure of what to say..
It is completely up to you weather you feel Good in this relationship...
Our opinion doesnt really matter..
You do you

 

I read this earlier and have been thinking on it. My viceral reaction is: "no way would I want someone 20 years any direction from me." Now, I don't feel that's an appropriate response, and I also don't mind others being that far apart in age, but it's not something I would choose. (Similar to I wouldn't choose to be straight, but I'm fine with others being that way.) I'd have too many concerns such as: "What if 5 years from now she wants kids and I'm close to 50, and don't feel like starting a family?" The other side of me says. If in 5 years that happens, deal with it then and enjoy now. Who knows what any day will bring?

There are so many what ifs that could exist, but in the end none of them really matter until they happen.

That being said, if you're both happy, be happy.

 

I read somewhere that more than age difference, it's the years out that make more of a difference. So, if you've both come out about the same time, it's more likely to work.

How long have you been together?

Not having been in your situation, I don't know for sure but I don't think I would last very long with someone so much younger. Simply based on life experiences and maturity.

I don't know about the pushing her to do things but if she seems to be seriously putting her life on hold, that's not a good sign.

 

I'm 11 years younger than my husband. We got together when I was very young 16, and married when I was 19. I graduated high school early at 17, and my father allowed me to move out in exchange for finishing school. (I had a hard time being there. Also my father knew of the age difference immediately at the beginning of the relationship, and approved us dating.) I moved in with him immediately, so we've lived together along time. I can say for sure at that age bracket it would have been a good idea, for him to have encouraged me to go way for a year or something. I never got to just be young and free of responsibility. With her being in her 20's she may have had enough free years, it varies from person to person. Talking to her about it is probably the only way to find out if she's ready to settle down with all the bill, and sick cats, and who mows the lawn that comes with that.

 

I can't give personal experience, I've never been in a scenario like this. Personally age difference wouldn't be a deal breaker by far but my preference would be similar in age. I'm sure you've already weighed the problems that may arise in a relationship with such an age gap. I won't harp on them. In the end what's important is how you two deal with your goals and plans for the future and how you communicate and grow. Every relationship can have obstacles, yours might have more. That doesn't mean it's unworkable.

I think it's brave of you to stress she live and explore a bit. If she were to have second thoughts, would you be ok with that? And does she even want to pursue a college education?

Imo while I would continue to urge her to keep her freedom I wouldn't push her away just because she's younger. Why not just take the relationship slow. No major commitments just take time and enjoy each other's company. See where life takes you two.

 

If you and she are in a mature and mutually respectful relationship, then follow your heart. The key is if you and she do feel as there is a real balance and equilibrium in the relationship. The age gap can create challenges due to maturity differences; but that is not always the case.

My partner and I have a seventeen year age difference, he is more mature for his age and when we met I was self admittedly immature for my age. For us, it works.

 

You're both consenting adults, I don't see anything wrong with it.

The only advice I can give you is -- try not to be too motherly. I'm older than my BF (26-21) and he often tells me that I sometimes act like his dad :/

 

I dated someone 15 years my senior for six years. It was a very rewarding relationship. We had to exercise a lot of honesty about our life goals and expectations. He was, like you, very encouraging about me exploring who I am - that includes going back to school, traveling, getting in touch with being queer. I look back at that relationship and his encouragement with great regard.

I say follow your heart, but be mindful of the pitfalls of age difference in terms of maturity and different expectations based on stage of life.

 

This is the thing. I don't think it's solely the age difference. It's definitely a steep climb, and it's not something that would interest me, a twenty something, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen. I think it's the age that is the issue. As a twenty something, and even older than her, I'm still exploring and figuring out my life. Your twenties are crucial for that, and if she's twenty four, I'd say she's still got a lot of growing to do. The chances of you guys working out is slim, but no one can say it's impossible.

You're definitely not wrong to advocate doing her own thing for awhile, but it doesn't mean she will do it. How long have you guys been together? Do your end goals match up? Is this her first relationship? Is this your first lesbian relationship? Firsts can be really intense and feel like they should be forever sometimes. I'm not really sure what to say about this. Are you guys unhappy at all? The only thing I would be concerned about is you. Are you going to miss out on being in a long term relationship if she decides in a few years that your age difference is too much? At the same time, you can be with anyone l, even your own age, and either of you could lose interest in a few years.

Are you looking to have kids? Is she? Is this something either of you want to do now? I feel like, if you're happy together, maybe you should just be happy together? There's no way to tell the future in any relationship. You just need to enjoy everyday without worrying that the world could implode, you know? The girl I was in love with was four years younger than me, which is pushing it on my end, but I didn't see her age at all. And if she felt the same as I, nothing would have stopped me from being with her. Like even if she was in her forties, lol. I understand it from your end, though. I'd feel weird dating someone so much younger than me. Dudes do it all the time and it's fine for them, though. Viva la lesbian revolution.

My vote: choose what makes you both safe and happy.

 

In my opinion, age doesn't really matter when you truly love someone and they love you back.
I can't say anything from personal experience, too (both my exes were younger than me, my current bf is the same age as me), but I still think that the most important thing is to be happy with each other and the rest doesn't even matter.

 

Age gaps can be extremely difficult and I would always caution people against entering into relationship with a very young person, in their late teens or early twenties, unless they are a similar age themselves, because there are so many things going on for the younger person. In most cases there is a serious imbalance in the relationship dynamic and it creates multiple issues that can (and do) spill over, with lots of hurt feelings. This is not merely an opinion on my part, but a matter of fact. That's not to say it can never, ever work out, but the odds are heavily stacked against long term success.

Many times people say "age doesn't matter" and "it's worked out for me/them", as if that amounts to strong evidence, but I'm afraid it doesn't. It's not an argument that is by any means universally true or accurate.

By the time people reach their middle twenties they have usually sorted out their "stuff" and can make more mature decisions about life and the future, so age difference does become less important from then on, but that's not to say it's altogether irrelevant. A big gap could still present problems and both parties need to be aware of that.

Ultimately, it's a decision for you, so take time to weigh things up carefully and good luck with whatever you decide.

 

After thinking this over at 33 I'd say the maximum age gap would be 10 years after all you both have different goals in life and are different levels of maturity. As yeah said what if after a few years they decide that the age gap does matter or they want kids and you don't.. You have to think things through and talk things through I know someone who's married someone 23 years younger than her but its her first lesbian relationship so she's hanging onto that person for dear life the person she's married has had a fair few relationships and always got bored after a few years (they married stupidly fast still in the honey moon phase)
I know her partner wants children and she hates kids so I think that might effect the relationship down the line.

That said don't let that put you off you just need to communicate and find out her life goals and also tell her yours

 

I know a number of couples that have a 20+/- age difference. Several have been together for over 20 years. One couple that have been together for 28 years just got married. Oregon not long ago allowed gay couples to marry. I would say that most of these relationships started when the younger was in there late 20's earily 30's. I do think that makes a difference. Just my opinion. What doesn't work for others doesn't mean that it wont work for you. Bottom line if it works for both of you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Good luck! Hope you stop feeling guilty about your relationship and just let it flow into the love that it should be. Remember, you gota love yourself first!

 

I can offer a little tidbit of support here, I suppose.

I'm 34, and the girl I'm...with... is only 21. Just barely 21. I didn't know that the first time we got together; in fact, by my math, the doorman shouldn't even have let her into the bar we were at.

Anyway, the age gap for me causes mental distress, but does not impact the intensity of the emotion. I also wonder if I'm crazy, but the feelings between us are so strong right now that I have trouble assimilating the cautions given above into my mindset, as I suspect might be your feeling too.

Of course, this is my first experience ever with a woman, and it may not be yours, so that intensity may not be affecting you to the same degree. YMMV.

However, I agree with encouraging her to take care of her own life first. If the odds are stacked against you because of the power imbalance, it'll be so much worse if she doesn't have the tools to be independant of you down the road. I know that from my first marriage.

 

I've been in a relationship with 9 years difference. I was the younger.

I'm 3 years older than my wife.

My experience says I was young, and I thought that love conquers all. Nine years meant we grew up in different decades and had different life experiences. It was good at the beginning, but then started to fade.

I'm happy for my experience. It made me part of who I am today. It's not a bad thing to have experienced. I would suggest that you may have less heart ache if you look for somebody closer to your age. But...maybe this is the right person to be in your life right now. Maybe you're the right person to be in her life.

You only get one life. Roll the dice. See what happens. If you walk away, you'll probably have regrets. So might as well try it on for size.