I'm going to do my best not to let this turn into a tl;dr post, like I tend to do. I keep saying it, but Sunday's horrible attacks have left me hurting a lot. And that's why I felt compelled to come out on FB, I want to be visible, I want to be seen. And fuck sll, whoever doesn't accept me, f* it. And that's my strongest feeling in this whole thing. But there's also this part of me that's like....they all know. Everyone. Not just that I'm queer, but there's likely speculation that my marriage is in trouble, they know I've struggled internally and felt shame and insecurity and that I couldn't be me for years. Everyone knows this; the nursery parents, my old friends, my brother's friends, my aunts and uncles. And I think that and I get a mini panic attack. Then I think...good, or who cares? It's real, that's me. Then a panic attack. Then back to its who I am, it's real. Then there are the other feelings. This longing, deep need for a sense of community. I went to the vigil alone yesterday. And I don't care. But then I headed out to Starbucks and sat for a bit and there were all these people sitting with their friends, with their pride flags wrapped around them in the seats near me. I want that, I want more community, more connection; specifically in *this* community. I mean it's really all about the parenting logistics. I try to get out like every week or two. And I've made a couple local LGBT friends. But I still feel a bit isolated, alone. I really want to out myself to the girl at work. I just want to be able to say things like, did you go the vigil? Our community was all there, it was beautiful and sad. Etc. I keep running into her when I'm in a rush. And there's this other feeling like... Now what? I'm out to the world; my world, everyone in my world knows I'm queer. And I feel like there's something that comes next....but what??? I so so very much wish I had counselling coming sooner than it will come (like 6 weeks or so). I wish I had all the things I have in my life that come with having my daughter, but the logistics of being single and childless, like having time to go out and have s pint with my queer friends, whenever. I'm feeling so. many. feelings. It's overwhelming.
Here's my take - The events in Orlando inspired you to connect with the LGBT community and in doing so inspired you to come out on FB before you were ready. The good news is that the events in Orlando inspired you to push yourself beyond your comfort zone. Congratulations :eusa_clap (*hug*) It sounds like you feel vulnerable and exposed right now because everything is out there on FB. I'm guessing there's still some internalized homophobia and shame at play since everyone (including the moms at daycare) knows that you are queer and may even suspect that your marriage is in trouble and you are uneasy about it. Guess what, the attention on you lasts 24-48 hours before they're on to the next new shiny object / piece of news. You need to get to a place where what they could be thinking about doesn't bother you. For me it took some time to get to that place where I didn't care what the other parents think about me. It was just part of coming to terms with myself and getting comfortable as a gay man. For now just imagine them in their underwear or having vanilla straight sex I get the sense that you long for people to say great job and we support you on FB. For me, I come out to people for my own benefit. I do it because I need to share my secret. It's cathartic and healing and liberating. I could care less if Aunt Bessy or the guy friend from college likes my post or not. Don't get my wrong, it's a nice feeling to be accepted for who we are; I just don't need anyone to like me so that I love myself as a gay man. As for what's next - once you and your secret are out the next step is to start living as an authentic queer woman (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
You know, I think I was ready but I wasn't. I want to be out. To everyone. I don't want to be in the closet. And it used to be that coming out was something I wanted only for me, to be more comfortable in my own skin, to be more connected to the community...but now it's also an element of how can I be silent? we're all in this struggle. I don't want to be silent. But I think it's only through coming out so publicly that I realise what coming out like this really is. I was ready to let the world know I'm queer. But I'm not sure I was ready for people to know I've carried shame, to know personal details of my pain, to be so privy to my struggles. But coming out means being vulnerable, in ways I didn't even really understand. And I'm still feeling a little panicked...but I'm happy that I've been pushed out of my comfort zone, like you said. It's more than I bargained for but now it's done, and I'm glad it's out there. Yeah it's true, I so much want to get this internalised homophobia and shame out of my system. No matter how confident I become, it's still there somewhere. But I suppose getting rid of shame comes through vulnerability, right? It's so emotional, this process. How did you get to that place? I'm closer to that place than I was when I started this journey. But obviously it's still there, I still care.... :lol: I think this is partially true. I didn't post it seeking or even hoping for validation. It just felt...instinctively like something I needed to do for me. But there is some of that craving for validation...and it caught me off guard because it's specific people from specific points in my life that I feel I need that validation from. I guess that's another one of those things, I didn't realise just what's entailed in coming out this publicly until I did it.... Now I see just how raw and vulnerable I really am. I'm still not sure what that means for me... Maybe that's what terrifies me most? That uncertainty of where I go from here. I felt so clear headed in my path before, and I still feel I'm making the right steps, and planning the right steps...but this has really shaken me up a bit. Thanks Siennafire for all of the encouragement (*hug*)(*hug*)
baristajedi, I can relate to the feeling of 'now what' since I just came out too. I will try to itemize my response (boy being an engineer takes a toll!!) 1) Most of our problems and responsibilities do not just go away. I am pretty sure you already know this too well so I am not gonna say much there. As for myself, most of my self-esteem related problems came from childhood isolation and rejection by peers. My sexuality added fuel to the fire but it was not the only or even the main reason; 2) We are just catching up with the rest of the world in terms of personal life/sexuality. I know this is a negative way of looking at things but better late than never right... I just made peace with my sexuality and half of my acquaintances are already married with babies on the way. I will be dating my first girlfriend when all my other friends are experiencing mid-life crisis. Okay so it is not all that bad Anyway I am not sure whether you feel this way but that's how I look at it. 3) Most people do not feel the excitement or relief we feel. What I am trying to say is that if I am 100% excited about something, my close family members would probably feel 70% as excited, my close friends 50-30%, my acquaintances 5% or even negative because they might be envious... So while you are overwhelmed with emotions, most other people would probably be somewhat indifferent. Therefore like you said, I try not to look for external validations when I achieve some perceived milestone, but I still feel a little bitter from time to time. I know there is a severe lack of action items in my response I am terrible at giving non-cheesy and non-generic advice so yeah...
I am feeling some of the same things. Vulnerability and strength at the same time after coming out, the reaction to the Orlando event. The way I tend to look at it is that my goal is to be the real me, and be the best I can at whatever I do. Play the bass, be a good husband, etc. And be out as bi too. I'm also trying to connect with the local LGBT community by volunteering at PrideFest and the LGBT Center. I'm guessing that over time, my circle of friends will shift, enlarge, shrink, whatever, but become a little more LGBT... but not all the way. I don't know, that's the plan I guess. But I feel so many of the same things as you. You're doing great, keep up your forward progress.
Feeling a little panicked is natural given that you've pushed yourself beyond your comfort zone. Feel proud and happy that you did it; it's better than over analyzing I still face pockets of internalized homophobia and shame from time to time as I tackle new situations. The good news is that you can quickly recognize the internalized homophobia and quickly diffuse it. The following has been helpful for me. I imagine the negative feelings pass through me and don't cling to me. Feel the feeling of being exposed then let it pass through you and release it to the universe for this feeling no longer serves a useful purpose in your life. For the long term, I've shared my process. It's really as simple as working through the process. Coming out is just the beginning. There's another set of challenges once you are out but not yet living as an authentic queer woman. You need to heal the shame - might be worth a quick scan my blog post. You also need to create a network of gay friends and engage with the LGBT community - see http://emptyclosets.com/forum/3069812-post14.html. As you do more and more of this you will eventually reach a tipping point where most of your social life is LGBT-related. This is when you first start living as an authentic queer woman (Caveat - The transition is gradual and not binary. This particular milestone is when I first noticed that I was living more authentically. Your mileage may vary). Just keep pushing forward and taking action. The key is try as many things as you have time for and see what works and clicks as an expression of your authentic self. #sfpost
Yuanzi, thank you for all of this insight It's true that our problems don't just go away.... I think the way I relate to that advice is, in short keep working on the things I was already working on. I already know how I want yo move forward, so I just have to keep taking those actions. And we are just catching up with the world. But personally, I see that as a positive. I can explore all of these things I've never explored before. And I'm so ready to live and experience all that I've never had the courage to explore before. And my emotions do run pretty deeply, just like you say about yours. When I grieve, I grieve; when I celebrate, it's the other extreme. This is all really helpful m for me. ---------- Post added 17th Jun 2016 at 09:53 AM ---------- Adray, it sounds like you are making so much progress. And it sounds like we're also going through a lot of similar things. I feel proud of myself for coming out to *everyone*. Perhaps if this wasn't a week of hurt, my feelings about everything would be better. Everything you say, these are all good ideas for me too. My biggest obstacle right now is finding time to get away from the house, but I'm doing it little by little. ---------- Post added 17th Jun 2016 at 09:56 AM ---------- This is all so helpful for me. I'm taking my time reading through the posts you suggested. As silly as it sounds, I've started to unwind a bit by making some lists today, of things I plan to do to take some of the steps you suggest. Lists help me feel more relaxed and focused. As always, I appreciate your support and encouragement (*hug*)
baristajedi, thank you so much for starting this thread! I have to say, I have so many of your same feelings. And in reading this thread I have felt some comfort. Like I'm not so alone in the world. I live about 30 minutes away from Orlando. My facebook feed is all rainbows and lgbt+ stuff but in real life, in my town, there is no visibility for me. And that is really frustrating. I want to go to Pride. I want to lend my voice, I want to be apart of the equal rights movement. And, I have, in some ways. But I haven't marched. I haven't met any lgbt+ people here. I want a sense of community in real life. I just don't have it. Like you, I came out on Facebook. I came out to my family in person first and then did the FB thing. It IS raw! And emotional and you feel like everyone is seeing you naked. I only got 2 comments under my coming out post. Only 2. I didn't realize how much I wanted validation. Not until I only got two comments. That really hurt. I love the two people that supported me on FB! Don't get me wrong. That meant a lot. But the silence/disapproval/lack of interest hurt more. :icon_sad: I've been out for 13 months and I'm still dealing with internalized homophobia, self doubt, shame, fear of what people think of me, after Orlando - fear that someone will hurt me.. all of those things. But slowly and surely it's getting better. I think getting myself to a good place with my sexuality will take more time. I will have to practice loving myself and being as visible as I can be and supporting causes and taking action with lgbt+ issues; Practice makes perfect. I'm sure none of this really helped you. I'm sorry. But I wanted to let you know there is yet another person who feels the way you do. You're not alone. And, again, thank you for starting this thread. I hope it's helped you as it has helped me. (*hug*)
