Communicatingnabout my bi/ gay desires with wife

Hey,

Welcome to EC. :welcome: I saw your post slipped through the cracks here. I’m sorry you didn’t get feedback from others sooner.

You don’t offer a lot of details about your situation, but one thing you should be commended on is that you expressed your desires to your wife. That is a big step and an area where many feel stuck because they’re afraid to tell their spouse their real needs.

You mentioned your interest in gay porn over the last 2-3 years. Is this something new? Have you always had some sort of attraction to men and now you’re more interested in exploring the other side? Have you ever had a sexual relationship with a man?

Somewhere you mentioned your lack of arousal lying next to her. Is this lack of arousal something new because this is all bubbling up? Do you find women attractive at all or is it just men? Just wondering where you find yourself on the Kinsey scale.

I understand that drive to seek out that other side that’s been dormant inside you. It can eat you alive. It’s important to recognize your attraction to men and embrace it instead of feeling embarrassed or shame from it. This attraction is a part of who you are, and like a late spring, this part of you is waking up now.

Have you ever explored your sexuality with a therapist? If not, I highly recommend it so you can navigate the waters a little bit and figure out what this all means to you. You’ve already involved your wife in this, so maybe talk to her about your need to work this out. Eventually you may want some couples therapy to have a dialogue about what this means for both of you.

This is a scary new reality for your wife as well because her marriage is being displayed in a light she could have never imagined. She’s going to go through the stages of grief to come to accept what you’re telling her. Try to be patient with one another.

Each of our journeys are unique because we all live within different parameters and desire different things. The first couple of months after I came out was the craziest roller coaster ride of my life. Four months after I found myself to be happy in the most unlikely of places. Sometimes I’m apprehensive sharing my outcome because I don’t know if it’s typical and so it might be a disservice for those who need to really go out and explore sex with a man. But again, all our journeys are you unique and I can only share mine. Despite the outcome the struggle to tell my wife and come out to her was very real. I invite you to read parts of it. Perhaps something will jump out at you. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/206449-big-talk-my-wife.html

Best of luck. Keep posting in the Later In Life forum. This is a great group of people and they will support you along the way.

 

HereWeGo has a lot of good advice. I'll second his advice to explore your sexuality. Take your time, get to know yourself well. Reading here on EC is a great place, among others.

I'll add a little from my perspective. I'm bi, have been for a loooong time, probably my whole adult life. I'm married and monogamous (and very happy, too). My wife is very supportive of my bisexuality, and she has been super supportive as I have begun coming out to others. For us, any kind of fantasy, roleplay, and toys is all good. You name, it, we've probably tried it... LOL. Dirty talk is fair game, too. Where we draw the line, the real boundary, is involving anyone outside the two of us. We've been married 15 years, and we both value monogamy.

I offer that as one example of how a guy with bi orientation can find happiness in a monogamous marriage. It is not for everyone, and I certainly recognize that for a lot of bisexual people, polyamory or other relationship approaches work great, work better, are better for them. For me, it's monogamy, and I like that.

You might be bi. Or you might not. That is one of the things you will want to zero in on.

My wife would probably be out if I ever had sex with a guy. Or a girl, for that matter. But yeah, toy play? You betcha. LOL.

I think you'll be happiest if you can define your own desires and your own sexuality. I offer this from a guy who identifies as bisexual and has (and continues to) enjoyed some of the activities you mentioned. Good luck, and definitely keep posting here, this is a great place to learn.

 

Hey
Thanks for coming over to this forum. Both Herewego and Adray offer great advice.

I am bi and just came out to my wife after 30 years. While I knew I was bi, I never acted on it, but I did hide it from my wife. My wife has a very low sex drive, and even though I am quite aroused by woman, the urge to explore gay sex became very strong and I felt I needed to explore it. I set up a CL encounter but did not go thru. I just couldn't cheat.

So I got into therapy to get a handle on why I would risk my wonderful life for casual gay sex. I learned so much about myself, my intimacy needs, and what really was driving my impulsive behavior. This therapy, and this forum, saved my marriage.

I came out to my wife a couple weeks ago. Hardest thing I ever did. The anxiety was overwhelming as I thought that my wife would reject me because of my orientation. The opposite happened...she likes my bisexuality! We are making it part of the marriage and building our sex life back to a satisfying level. More importantly we are more intimate in non sexual interactions.

The gay urges don't EVER go away. You experienced gay sex...oral sex is sex...a couple times through your life so you know. Not having an outlet for that desire may consume you and the stress and anxiety, and for me anger, may destroy your marriage anyway. You cannot win by suppressing this or setting it aside.

Your wife may not accept your sexuality. I was ready to leave my wife if she would have rejected my sexuality. I decided I cannot live with someone who cannot accept me being gay. See, to me now, I accept that I have a gay side. I embrace it and like it because it is a part of who I am. This acceptance is SO important and I cannot overstate this.

You MUST come to terms with your "gay" and understand what you need to nurture it and be fulfilled.

 

First, let me assure you that your story is very typical of other men on this site, myself included. Your "problem" is that you grew up in a generation with so much homophobia and hate that you learned that being gay or bisexual is wrong or evil. You learned to bury your true sexual attraction towards other guys. Like many of us, you got caught up in straight life and were busy with the job and kids until midlife. Your gay side is emerging and you started to rekindle your attraction towards other guys at midlife. You've taken a very important step in your journey by finding this site.

Here are my suggestions for you.

Identify your sexual orientation - The big question to answer is whether you are primarily attracted to guys (Kinsey 4-5) or equally attracted to men and women (Kinsey 3). Google "Kinsey scale". The Wikipedia article provides a good overview. The Kinsey Scale Test that also pops up in your search results is not an official test and many EC people (myself included) find that it underscores by 1 point (the test reports I'm a 4 but I self score as a 5). So take the results with a grain of salt.

Desired outcome - Once you have a better sense of your sexual orientation, you can start thinking about the outcome that you want. Do you want to divorce or propose an open marriage? If you identify as Kinsey 4 or 5, you will probably be sexually unsatisfied if you stay married unless you can open up the marriage. Even then you might not be in a position to have a full BF. While staying married and remaining in the closet is a potential option, I feel strongly that this is a poor choice for a person who is genuinely gay. It's best to divorce and start living an authentic life. You'll be so much happier for it in the long run.

Based on your post, it seems that you are currently leaning towards having an open marriage because of the kids. If this is what you want to do, then hopefully somebody else can suggest how to do this. I went the separation/divorce route.

I would strongly encourage you to not cheat behind your wife's back. This will only make the separation more painful should you end up going that route. It's much better to upfront with her about your extracurricular activities.

There's a lot of guilt around coming out and the kids. Most men feel guilty and selfish about breaking up a marriage so they can go have sex with men. Please realize this is about living authentically and loving the person you were born to love. Also realize that divorce is a better option for kids than a bad marriage with ongoing conflict between spouses.

Here's a blog I wrote about coming out to your spouse. It might help you think about your situation - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/13373-preparing-come-out-your-spouse-gay.html

HTH,
SF
#sfpost

 

It sounds like your wife has pretty much told you how she feels about you being gay. So, you will need to decide if you can live with this. I don't suggest this at all. If you are, truly, gay, you will need to live your life as a gay man or be terribly unhappy with your marriage the way you describe it.

Some of us here are in marriages where our spouses understand and accept our sexuality. This allows us room to be gay in some level in the marriage. And, for some of us, it is enough. I don't sense that this would work for you from what you have written.

Again, I really suggest a therapist. Not a sex therapist, but an LGBT experienced general behavioral therapist or counselor. You really need to understand your sexuality before making any decisions.

 

An open marriage requires trust and commitment on the part of both you and your wife. Your wife needs to know that her intimacy needs can be met by you, or someone else she chooses, and she needs to value your needs. Complete honesty is required.

You have already been outside the marriage for sex...oral sex at that party. So, there may be some trust issues that will need to be resolved.

 

I'm scratching my head on the Kinsey 2 result...

When you were going through puberty, did you notice other guys? When you are in public, do you notice the guys more than women? When you're not viewing porn, do you fantasize about men or women when you masturbate?

 

Hi Canesyes,

I have a couple of thoughts on your questions in this thread.

First, you're making a great step, acknowledging your sexuality.

I think that there is w chance you are either gay or bi, but certainly you have needs that are not satisfied in the path you're currently taking. I second Nick's advice in seeking counselling with an LGBT counsellor/therapist.

Regarding the Kinsey scale - I find it hard to take the test sometimes because my sexual experiences don't necessarily match my desires. From the time I was a young girl, I've always been attracted to girls/women, and I've always been somewhat lukewarm on boys/men, but I didn't really follow my instincts. So when you take the test, keep in mind the way those kinds of details might come into play when you're answering questions.

Regarding separation or open marriage. Separation may be the right path for you, especially if your wife is not open to incorporating your needs into the marrisge. Open marriage may be an option. I'm working on opening up my marriage with my husband. It took him a long time to get comfortable with the idea, but we're now steadily moving towards it.

I know it's hard to think about being patient and letting things unfold bit by bit. But try to take things one step at a time.

I hope that helps. (*hug*)

 

I just retook the Kinsey test a bunch of times to see which one I would think is most helpful. Surprisingly I liked this one by m buzzfeed: https://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/lets-talk-about-sex?utm_term=.qkzJBDwpdB#.elozjAM0Qj

It allowed me to answer with the nuance that I want to, and I think the result fits me. I'm showing you my answer so you can see that it gives some gradation in the results.


Where Do You Fall On The Kinsey Scale?

You got: Mostly homosexual.

You’re mostly gay, but maybe you haven’t always been. You find yourself attracted to members of the same sex as your own, but not exclusively. You can’t say for sure that you’ll always identify as a homosexual, but you definitely do for now. You’re sexuality is more fluid than most.

 

I know how hard it can be, I'm married with a daughter too. For me it was like an ache inside, like something missing from my soul. And it mostly surfaced in fantasy but it's about so much more than sex.

Hang in there. You're going to get through it if you take one step at a time.(*hug*)

 

So, you re-took the test and are now mostly homosexual? If this is true, and from everything you have written it makes sense, how do you see staying in the marriage? Playing it cool doesn't really seem like an option. Do you see a way to be out of the marriage and still have access to your children?

 

Hey Canyesyes

Blunt question here. Are you looking for advice on how to work on coming out to your wife on this forum or are you looking to discuss gay sex? You seem to be all over the place here.