There was a woman; I know I've talked about her on here before, but only in passing. We can call her G. She had a lovely voice, soft light brown curls framed around her face, with a beautiful curve to her lips. From the day we met we became fast friends, and we spent most of our time together. She was a bit more brazen and forward than me. Sometimes her touch would linger on me a little longer, softer than you would expect of a friend. I loved to watch her face in the candle light. To make her laugh and smile. Just simply to be near her. Whst would it have been like, what would have happened if I had been comfortable with myself then like I am now?
Mostly thinking out loud. Advice is always welcome of course. But after writing this, I thought you know what, that time has passed. And I can't spend my energy looking backwards. I could've been more fully me. Could have had richer relationships with certain friends, could have experienced and expressed love more openly, could have had love where I only let friendship live, could have embraced my identity. But...that's where I was, now I am where I am. I can now love more fully, live more richly, be me more openly. I'm already starting to take that truer path. Why look backwards?
It can be so easy to dwell on 'What if...?' There's a woman I often think about. I might post about it at some point. My partner/boyfriend thought that she had a thing for me, but at the time, I thought no way. But when I look back at our friendship now... And then I think maybe I'm not remembering it correctly, and why does it matter anyway? I too think; what if I had been in the mindset I am now, back then? But, I wasn't in this mindset back then, so I'll try to keep looking forwards, I guess! It is nice to daydream, though. :icon_bigg
Some days I've gotten stuck on the what if train, too. But that is gone and I need to live now. What are my opportunities today? That's what I use to stay grounded.
Is it fair to say that, even if you were more open with yourself about your sexuality back then, and she really loved you slash was into you, that she didn't take the first step either? Maybe she wasn't comfortable or ready or open to it despite her feelings either? If that's not right, disregard. I'm still sleepy and not functioning correctly in my brain.
