Depression and feeling like my life is meaningless and pointless have really taken over in the past few days. I'm feeling a little better today than I was, but it's like I don't want to feel better. I know that doesn't make sense, but what I mean is this: I'm going to feel better, and I'm going to convince myself that I won't be alone forever and I will have friends someday, and then nothing's going to happen, and I'll end up depressed again. I can't go on like this. I made a therapy appointment but it's not for two weeks. And she wants to concentrate on things that are more important than figuring out my orientation and I'm sure she's right that they're more important but it's still really frustrating. I went to an LGBT dance class several times and everybody there was really nice but except for a male couple nobody expressed any interest in seeing me outside the class. I don't even mean I expected to get dates, I was just hoping I could go out for coffee or something with one person or a smaller group where I'd be more comfortable. I'm supposed to go to a fundraiser for Orlando on Sunday, but it's just going to be another thing I go to by myself. And maybe the crowd will be too young, I'm not really sure. Anyway I've rambled enough. I just feel really alone and I have no idea what to do.
I feel you. It's hard to make new friends, and finding people willing to accept those of us coming out late is even harder. It's hard to go to things alone. I struggle with it, too. But all we can do is keep putting ourselves out there, or choose to wither alone. So, I keep going. Tomorrow I'll go to Pride in a college town about an hour away from me, with all 6 kids that I'm raisin in tow, but no friends. But, I was just asked tonight to accompany one friend to Chicago for the Pride parade next week, and I'm so excited to go with a lesbian friend! (My first friend that truly gets it!)
That is great. I'm really glad you have made friends and I hope you have a good time at Pride. It's great to find someone that truly gets it! It's just frustrating for me because I feel like no matter how much I put myself out there I still end up alone. I've actually been to a fair number of LGBT events (and a few other events) over the years but I still don't have any friends. I suppose part of it is that I don't want to admit I'm bi rather than lesbian. Which is not to say I think being a lesbian is easier! Just that I'm really uncomfortable with being bi and I'd rather just pretend to be straight than deal with being bi. And to give some credit to my therapist it is a bigger issue than just my sexuality. I've always had a really hard time making friends. These days I can't even seem to make friends on the internet and in real life I have zero. Sorry for whining, just... things are rough for me lately.
Yeah, I hear you on the challenges explaining that you are bi. It's different than gay or lesbian, and it's not usually quickly understood by straight people. I'm 100% sure that I am bi, because I've felt the same way for a lot of years. When I come out to someone, a big part of the challenge is explaining it all. It's like I'm breaking new ground with every single person... LOL. I'd encourage you to try to identify your true orientation (if you have already and I missed the thread, I apologize). If you're bi, be a proud bi. If you're lesbian, be a proud lesbian. I think confidence in being yourself is something that can lead to new friendships and connections. Just my 2 cents. Hugs and well wishes for brighter days! (*hug*)
I would really like to be more sure of my orientation. My mind is all over the place about it, including sometimes thinking maybe I'm just straight and curious. I think if I ever have a real relationship with a woman it might clarify things but that might never happen, especially if I don't know my orientation. It's really very frustrating.
Womaninamber, I would definitely say you should try being with a woman to figure it out. I always said I was bi because I knew I attracted to women, but was with a man. Then, I was with a woman. No comparison. I don't ever want to be with a man again. All the thoughts I'd had about maybe being ace or demi disappeared when I let myself feel for a woman. I never had any feelings like that for a man at all.
I only hope I have that opportunity someday to be with a woman. Not just to figure out my orientation, I mean I want somebody to be with. At my age, and with my history it seems impossible though and that's really getting me down. I've had a few coffee dates with women and I didn't feel attracted to them, though there was one I definitely wanted to be friends with. (I wasn't able to in the end.) But I had a couple of coffee dates with men too and they were even worse, so I'm not sure what to think anymore. It's like I look at my life one way, and I feel that I am lesbian, and I look at my life another way and I feel that that's ridiculous and I am straight, and then I think "well maybe I'm bi then" but I really just don't know. And it may be too late for me to find out. I really appreciate the support I get here though. It really helps to know there are other people struggling with it.
Keep dating and going along doing all your favorite things. You'll find out where you belong eventually.
I will try. But the coffee dates were a long time ago, when I was younger and cuter. I messaged some women on a dating site a while back but no one responded and I got depressed and stopped messaging. I did go to a party the dance class held last night, and that was pretty nice. Everyone was really friendly and at least I was out on a Saturday night and not sitting around on the internet.
womaninamber, I feel you. I too feel very alone and like I will never find someone or have any friends in real life ever again. When I was young I moved around A LOT. So I never developed the tools to keep a long lasting friendship. Hell! To this day I keep moving. I have a gypsies soul and feel stagnant if I'm in one place too long. I've only lived in the town I'm in now for two years. The problem with my town is that there is NO lgbt+ visibility here whatsoever. There isn't even a gay bar in town. In a perfect world I would live in a lgbt+ city in CA. But then that could only take me so far. I would still have to do the work and actually get out there and try to make connections with people. And I'm great at the meet and greets but not the long term game. Like I said - I just don't have the tools to keep a relationship/friendship going for every long. I can't tell you how lonely I feel sometimes. I try to keep busy and never think too deeply about my situation. One thing I can tell you though is this - Life can change in the blink of an eye. And a lot of the time it's for the better. Opportunities will always present themselves. We just have to know when one is staring us in the face and grab it by the horns and try our best to make the most of that opportunity. Change is inevitable. Life won't stay the same forever. It's an impossibility. I am currently on a health and weight loss journey for that very reason. I want to be in tip top shape mentally, emotionally and physically when life takes a turn and presents an opportunity to me. This too shall pass. Trust me. I wish you the very best. Keep getting yourself out there and seeking out a better life for yourself. Never say never and, pick yourself up when you are ready to. You'll get over this hump. I have faith. (*hug*)
Thank you, bibeauty28. I went to a party held by the dance class last night and I actually did have a good time, so that was nice at least. The only downside was that I spent a lot of money on Uber getting there and back. But it was worth it this once. I'm feeling a little better than I was but I'm still having trouble picturing myself ever having a relationship with a woman and that's really hard for me. Not because I won't know my orientation (though that doesn't help) but because I'll be alone.
