So it's been a while since I update people on what's been happening in my life. Went on holiday to gay pride in gran canaria. Met some gay people which was good for me. It certainly helped to normalise it for me, seeing people out and proud and comfortable with who they are. I've met a guy who is showing interest in me but I feel like I can't be responsible for someone else and their feelings at the moment. Things are to raw in terms of separation. I've had mixed results in terms of meeting gay people in my home town. Last night I was out in a couple of gay bars, but old habits die hard and I found myself looking and chatting to women - almost like I used to. It's like I can't get comfortable being gay and I'm not sure if that label actually suits me. There are definite bisexual leanings too as I can fantasise about women. I am thinking though that I'm worried I'm incapable of truely loving someone and that I'm just going to have to live my life as a single man as I can't resolve what gender I want to be with long term. I guess I wonder if this is only temporary but I feel kinda of stuck. I have spent the night in bed with a man recently which was new to me, though it didn't give me the clarity I hoped. I guess I just have to keep on going, focusing on my feeling rather than my thoughts and I'll get there somehow.
It's quite typical for guys who are just coming out to feel that they will never develop the ability to love another man. Give it some time. As you become more comfortable being gay you will reach a point where you can start developing romantic feelings towards other guys. This is a matter of purging your internalized homophobia and shame and replacing it with love, vulnerability, and (light side non-hubris) pride about being gay ride:
Thanks Siena, I guess I figure it'll take time. A lifetime of suppression is not going to be overcome overnight. Though I'm unsure if I am doing the right thing or not by being out and going to gay clubs, meet ups etc but then I'm not sure if I have a choice in the matter I've got to keep doing things that will make me more comfortable with myself. I just struggle with letting go and being gay. I have found that perhaps the bi label is better for me than being wholly gay but maybe that's just a 'transition' label. I am however allowing myself to indulge in gay fantasies which I have never really done before and that's got to be more healthy than ignoring it and making sure all my thoughts were just about women. The difficulty is stepping across the line and doing stuff sexually with a man, it seems such a big deal when it shouldn't really.
Based on my experience, I think you are going the right things. This post may help - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/3069812-post14.html Whether you end up bisexual or gay, the path requires you to start doing things sexually and romantically with men so that you can figure out your sexual orientation / Kinsey score. After falling for another guy, I knew that I was gay and started to accept that I was gay and not bisexual. If memory serves you come from a fairly homophobic upbringing. If that's correct, then you need lots of time to undo those scripts from earlier in your life. As you start to break them down, you'll begin to open to gay sexual experiences more which will then help you accept yourself more and open to more gay sexual experiences. It's definitely a bootstrapping process that takes time. Start with baby steps and build momentum. That's how I did it.
