Advice needed on new relationship

This is going to be a very long post, I'm afraid, so apologies in advance, but I could really do with some advice.

I came out last year at the age of 54, and separated from my husband in November. I have joined a walking goup for gay women, and a monthly social group for gay women over 40. The majority of the women are either already in relationships or come because they are looking for friends to socialise with rather than a new partner.

I joined an internet dating website, and met 3 women, one of whom I really liked but she lost interest after a couple of dates. Then I met a 4th woman, and we have been dating for 2 months now, seeing each other once or twice a week. We live about 50 minutes away from each other.

We get on really well, and love spending time together, but we are very different. She is 64, and had two relationships with men before going on to have two relationships with women, one for 14 years and one for 9. She is a passionate feminist, and practically all of her many friends are lesbians. She recently retired from a very stressful job, and goes on frequent holidays with various relatives and friends. She also belongs to a very large family, most of whom live close by. She has never been the sort of person to be interested in casual dating, and is looking for a serious committed rationship. She likes to become friends first, and then see how things develop on from there.

I am now 55 and spent 32 years married to the same man, who I met when I was still at school. He is the only person I have ever slept with, and things have ended very badly with him. I have sort of known I was gay for over 20 years, but couldn't bring myself to acknowledge it until last year. One of the women in my walking group has become a firm friend, but otherwise I only have two close friends who are gay. Most of my friends are still married couples, and I have very little family, although we are close. I have a job which I love, but which doesn't pay very well, and can't afford frequent or expensive holidays. I have no idea what being with a woman intimately is actually like, only what my dreams, hopes and needs are. I am not unrealistic enough to believe that my ideal woman will appear in my life immediately as if by magic, and was expecting (if things went well and I actually found anybody at all) to have to test the waters and experience one or two short-lived relationships whilst getting to work out what I really wanted and hopefully find somebody to settle down with longterm.

My problem is that whilst I feel we have become good friends in a short space of time, I am impatient to move on to the next stage, and experience what I have denied myself for so long. I don't mean leaping into bed tomorrow (although I certainly wouldn't pass up the opportunity if it was offered), but just progressing from kissing and hugging in the way friends do, to holding hands and kissing intimately.

Because I am inexperienced, I have been waiting for her to make the first move, rather than risk doing the wrong thing. However, she has expressed no signs yet of wishing to progress to the next stage. I got so impatient, that last week I asked her how she felt things were going between us, because if she had come to the conclusion that we were never going to be more than friends I really needed to know.

She thought for a while and said she didn't want to upset me, but she felt that because of my situation (only recently separated, still having issues over communication with my husband and problems getting to see my son) that I wasn't really ready yet, and rushing into something too soon probably wouldn't be a good thing for me to do. From her point of view, she was still happy to proceed as friends in the meantime with the view of seeing what might develop between us.

I discussed it with my therapist (who isn't gay, but has been very helpful over the 2 years I have been seeing her). I said it felt like H was saying it was because I was still insecure (perhaps hinting I was even still questioning my sexuality), whereas I felt it was because H is feeling insecure herself. One of her previous partners was much younger, and she had been worried to begin with whether it wouldn't last long due to the age difference (it was a mutual split in the end). Now she is retired, the age thing is once again an issue for her, and she doesn't want to risk what might turn out to be a short-term relationship.

My therapist said that could be the case, but in the past I have always put my own needs last and struggled to accept care from people. I should be prepared to consider the possibility that H cares deeply about me (she was in a caring profession, has had therapy herself in the past, and is very clued up about what constitutes a healthy and caring relationship), and is giving me sensible advice borne out of her greater experience.
I am also quite reserved and unadventurous, and she feels H would be good for me in the sense that she would be able to gently encourage me into lesbian society and help me come out of my shell.

So I feel common sense and my therapist are saying stick with H because she's a kind and caring woman, go with the flow and see what happens (my therapist says I am not good at coping with uncertainty, and always find it difficult to just go with the flow), but it's frightening. All the lesbians I have spoken to so far say it can be incredibly difficult to find someone, and many my age seem to have given up trying and just live on their own with their dog for company.

However, my emotions are saying I could be hanging around for ages, before realising things are going nowhere and I have to start looking afresh, which will be increasingly difficult the older I am, so I ought to be casting my net wider.

Since H and I are still just friends, I should in theory still be able to accept any other offers to go out for a drink etc without any problems, but even assuming I got any offers I would feel uncomfortable doing that.

Any expertise/experience/advice/thoughts will be gratefully received.

 

Thank you all for your replies.

I see that members on EC are frequently advised not to jump straight into unsuitable relationships with the first available person. However, the way I feel at the moment is that it wouldn't matter if an initial relationship turned out to be unsuitable, provided I was able to recognise that and move on. At least I would have some experience.

I think a lot of the problem is my age. I've no idea whether coming out at 35 would have been easier, because I didn't do it, but I am really struggling to find anyone my own age who is a) single and b) interested. They all seem to be either paired up already or completely disillusioned. Even the replies I got on the dating website, and am still getting, tend to be overwhelmingly from women older than me. I am beginning to think that women are really put off by the fact I am inexperienced, and only older women, who are perhaps struggling to attract anyone due to their age, are prepared to risk giving me a chance, simply because they can't find anyone else. I find this very depressing.

Are there any members here who came out after they turned 50, and are able to share how they found themselves a partner?

 

Well, here is an update on where things stand.

After one more month with H making no moves towards greater intimacy, I took advantage of her mentioning her last partner to probe a bit further, in a gentle sort of way, and we had a long talk. It seems that although she has come to care deeply for me in a short space of time (as I have for her), she has not found that this has led to her having romantic feelings for me, whereas I have been increasingly experiencing them for her. In fact, the possibility of something developing seems to have increasingly drawn her to think once more about her ex, which she is finding hard to handle.

All her previous endings were either mutual, or initiated by her, but this one wasn't. Her partner made it quite clear she was angry, but refused to discuss why before leaving. Also, this appears to have been the one relationship where H was prepared to tolerate very bad behaviour without leaving herself, and I don't know why, because it seems so out of character with the person I have come to know and love.

So it looks like lack of closure with her previous partner is the main reason we were getting nowhere. She has admitted she has surprised herself by discovering she is not as ready for a new relationship as she had thought, and had been trying not to give me any false hopes, and I have admitted that I have to give up my hope of a relationship with her.

I have two consolations: I have a new friend who has been so lovely in helping me deal with who I am, and helping me integrate into local gay culture. And I am a reasonably good judge of when things don't feel right. However, at the moment I am just breaking down into tears several times a day, and grieving for what I won't have with her.

 

Yes, I get that impression too. The first woman I met had the same problem.